In the year of our Lord 2015, if you have managed to not live under a rock, (Call you Patrick Star) you are likely aware of the social media phenomena. For the first time in human history, people can read, admire and like the happenings of the world from the comfort of their toilet seat. We are hopelessly interconnected; the world has indeed shrunk and the possibilities are truly endless. Alas, this rollercoaster build up has reached it’s climax and now charges downhill. This article is part one in a three part series about the top three douchiest things people post on a social media. The kaleidoscope of bullshit otherwise known as the internet has provided BILLIONS of potential candidates so it has been difficult to narrow it down to a mere three.
This article is dedicated to the twisted people that go out of their way to read tweets, Instagrams and Facebook posts of people that annoy them. There isn’t one soul that I know that doesn’t indulge in the guilty pleasure of critiquing other people’s social media. If such a person exists they are likely the wisest being on earth. The truth is at times everyone is guilty of these douchey tendencies but I digress. The appetizer is over and the main course is about to be served, let us begin.
Douchey Tendency Number One: The Not So Subtle Art of Humble Bragging
Per Urban Dictionary:
Subtly letting others know about how fantastic your life is while undercutting it with a bit of self-effacing humor or “woe is me” gloss.
At its core, everyone posts on social media for the exact same reason: so other people can see what is going on in their life. Social media is our own reality TV show and people are tuned in. The number one douchiest tendency in social media is when people post a humble bragging status about acts / activities they should already be doing. Humble bragging is douchey in itself but the levels of douchiness raises ten fold when it’s accompanied with an ordinary act. In fact humble bragging to ordinary acts is an insult to everyone with an ounce of self respect.
This is our number one douchiest tendency because it encompasses many examples. The person that posts a status about making breakfast is held to the same standard as the fellow that posts he went to the gym on a Saturday. The person who tweets about making it to work on time dines at the table with the person who Instagrams that they had a productive day.
If you find yourself observing content and the question “Who cares?” comes to mind then ding, ding, ding my friend you have discovered a humble bragging status. There is no prize other than minute spikes of self-loathing, and quizzical grins but alas, I am no doctor.
Humble bragging about an ordinary act displays low standards of pride. Does anybody really care that you made dinner? I’m sure the dinner was fantastic and gosh darnit I would have probably come back for seconds, but did this really deserve to be a status? Yeah, me you and 2/3s of the population made dinner last night.
You went to the gym and started eating healthy? Congratulations, you are doing what you should already be doing. In fact millions of people do it and manage not to document it. Crazy, I know!
To the parents that post a status sharing that they get their kids to school on time and made there lunch. I ask you shouldn’t you be doing that anyways? Granted the lunch is a nice bonus but you made lunch for your kid, Mother Teresa. That’s great parenting but it’s basic, like super, duper basic.
If you’re going to take pride and brag about something, make sure it’s something that at bare minimum, isn’t ordinary. Take pride in accomplishing a goal or facing a fear. Stop taking pride in ordinary acts and start posting sweet statuses like a tiger playing the electric guitar or an elephant snowboarding.
I see 500 messages a day in social media and I surely don’t want to read about you feeling good over making a cheeseburger. If you are going to brag, just brag and if you do brag make sure it’s worthwhile.
Disclaimer : There are two sides to every coin, and many people post content as it is required for their job, fuels their passion, help stay connected with family, excreta and so fourth. Everyone has an angle; I acknowledge this and respect the hustle. Intent is everything and this article was written with the intent to appreciate the subtle douchey idiosyncrasies of social media. This was written intentionally with a skeptical, humorous lense. As acknowledged prior, everyone including myself has been guilty of this tendency.
Please comment, share your feedback, share your social media pet peeves, hate me, love me or whatever. Part 2 debuts next week. Stay tuned.
Thank you! This is a well thought out blog that I can relate to. I am on the internet quite a bit, however, not one to share videos of the cat, living room, etc. There are those angry and rude people that become superstars when they can hide behind their PC. There are those that get upset when their privacy is breached. Ahh, the power of WWW=World Wide Web.
Loved this. Very funny. I try hard NOT to be a douche. It irritates me as well. I can’t wait for next weeks post. 😄👍🏼
Hi Jessie, glad you enjoyed it! Alas I also try hard NOT to be a douche but 💩happens
You speak the truth brother. ; )
I liked your article and my take away will be…Stop taking pride in ordinary acts…thank you.
Glad you liked it! And yes that is essentially my article in a sentence.
This is perfect. As one of the “douche-bags” on the internet, I feel a slight twang of sorrow for these acts I have committed against humanity. I apologize.
Apology accepted from one D-Bag to another.
Loved this! SO accurate.
And I agree with your disclaimer too – people post for lots of reasons. I try to toe the line between ‘worthy posts’ and ‘boring posts to let my parents/friends/family know I am still alive’ myself.
I think the nature of the social media site is important to take into consideration, too. I expect to see pics proudly displaying baskets of folded laundry, fully dressed children, or new cars on Facebook, because Facebook is the family reunion of the internet and can’t be avoided. I try to avoid such elsewhere.
I really like that “Facebook is the family reunion of the Internet”
Ha ha, thanks! Love your blog!
Thank you for the honest humor! I love your writing style;) & thanks for liking my blog!
No problem! I really appreciate the kind words, I really do find them encouraging.
Ha ha! Great insight. I tend to look at it from the Wizard of Oz standpoint. There isn’t a computer screen and keyboard hidden behind, but a big curtain at the end of a long hallway and behind it sits a little shell of a person typing away their life story, posting the vague social media quote to keep us all (all who care if we do) in suspense as to, hummm wonder if she and Joe are splitting up? That quote is pretty deep, “set it free free, if it comes back to you it was meant to be. If it doesn’t, you just lost $12.00 on the new parakeet you just purchased. ”
I’m guilty though. No “what I’m eating for dinner” posts but I do share other random crap with no meaning to anyone but me. But then again, I DID approve these friend requests so dammit, you asked to be my friend Cindy, Steve, Tom, etc. so as part of your snooping privileges and to see what I look like these days, you must put up with my boring posts, photos, quotes, and announcements of upcoming medical procedures.
Social media reminds me why I didn’t like high school.
Thank you for your great insight into the pitfalls of other people’s business and their attempts to cleverly announce to their list of friends just how great their life is!
“…so as part of your snooping privileges and to see what I look like these days, you must put up with my boring posts, photos, quotes, and announcements of upcoming medical procedures….”
Love that comment! And love this post. I understand photos of kids and crazy cat lady jokes, but a play-by-play of your incredibly mundane life is not good reading. I’ll take a colonoscopy over a sale on artichokes any day.
Whoa! I’ve been through the colonoscopy routine a couple times. It’s not the scope that gets you, although that’s uncomfortable enough, it’s the gallon of “Go-Litely” I had to drink the afternoon before.
You’ve never seen visitors leave a hospital room quickly until you’ve seen their expression when the nurse brings the Go-Litely in.
I love your wizard of Oz analogy and I appreciate the well thought out and kind words!
Whaaaaa? How did you hack my webcam?
Thanks for checking out my first blog. I am as my kids call it a Newbie. I was interested in what type of reader would have liked my blog and I must say that this blog had me rolling while my teenagers were laughing behind me. You are very skilled with the use of words and comical humor that I am sure reaches many different types of readers. Thanks for the laugh and I will very much try not to be a douche, lol.
Hahah glad you enjoyed it! I thought your post was great, you have good imagery and use emotions well. Thanks for stopping by, glad you like my writing.
Thanks for the laugh. Loved it.
Reblogged this on John Barleycorn.
Reblogged this on Colorado's Western Slope The Dailey Sun.
Thanks for the laugh.
My Pleasure!
Thanks for liking my post about “Bed and Breakfast” at the Thousand Islands Playhouse! As the world premier of a new play, this first production is extremely important to the participants, and the fact that ANYone out there is reading the promo will tickle more than one fancy, I assure you. I found your article amusing and insightful, and you have potential. Keep writing – I look forward to seeing more.
Thank you for the kind words! I appreciate that, I just recently discovered my passion for writing so i’m eager to see where it leads me.
Ouch. The truth hurts! Anyone have some alcohol and a bandaid?
I have alcohol, can you bring the bandaids?
Very much enjoyed your humor. Do not forget those who post or forward 40 to 50 posts a day and plug up the inbox of the poor slobs (moi) who are using the internet for work.
Thank you sir! Yes you are right, that is def a wince inducing online behavior.
Fantastic post! By the way, thanks for your like. Have a great weekend!
No problem at all! So sorry it took me so long to respond.
It’s ok:)
Thank you! Sometimes I read those humble brags and feel kind of douchy for thinking, “I don’t give a sh*t.” I’m glad to know others feel the same way.
Great minds, Mary, great minds
I’m a total douche and mostly proud of it. So I’m going to go cook breakfast for my kids now. Oh no shoot! It’s already 2:50 pm. Crap! YOU are funny. Keep writing! You are making people laugh at themselves. Well done.
Thank you! Compliments like that make writing all worth it!
Why are you making them breakfast? Shouldn’t they be serving you? Now THAT would be something to take a picture of and post. But then that would fall into the bragging posts that I abhor!!! 😉
p.s I’m not stalking you peaceof8.
That’s a catch-22 for sure!
I found your blog because you liked an “update about random crap” posting on my blog. Ironic use of the like button?
Nah just an ironic guy behind the mouse 😉
First, thanks for reading my blog. 🙂
Second, Thanks for posting about this. I have been contemplating a social media, most likely about facebook, myself for quite some time as there are loads of annoying people on there.
Third, and last, my husband doesn’t use social media and is the wise one.
Can’t wait to read parts 2 and 3.
No problem at all glad you enjoyed it! Let me know what you think about 2 and 3
Well shit I think I just might be a douche bag 🙂 started this new clean eating and losing weight struggle… I am going to have to rethink my blogging now!!! Laughed and snorted, you are awesome 🙂
Hahah well if it means anything I’m a d bag too! Glad you enjoyed it
Thank you!!!!! So right! I was saying who the fuck cares so often while scrolling through my feed I realized I should just un-follow them and save myself the frustration.
Lots of truth here. The thing I hate the most is that usually on a very bad day for me I get on my social sites and there seem to be only posts about how awesome life is, how super their days is going etc. Meanwhile I need some sympathy and support but if I claim I’m having a lousy day with all that joy out there who’s going to care????
Lolll
Loved this post. At times, I feel really awful when I read those braggy posts. My self-esteem goes down the toilet. Actually, the ONLY time I like those braggy posts are when I write them–I’m douchy sometimes, but I’m a kind and loveable douche! LOL.
You know what though? I find the “sympathetic” posts pretty darn douchey..like the ones where people make their kids hold up signs that read “My mommy said that if I stopped getting on her nerves for a week and I get 6 million likes, I can get a hamster”. Ugh!
Gotta read more of your writings!!
Wow that’s a great observation, I hate that! It’s like doesn’t the caption serve the purpose of the sign? You know what I’m saying? Thanks for the comment btw, I do appreciate that
I hate the passive-aggressive complaint almost as much as the humble brag. As in, don’t you hate when people you thought were friends….knowing, of course, the people they are not-so-subtly referring to are likely going to read their whine about whatever it is the complainer thinks they did. Come on! If they’re really your friend, talk to them, for shit’s sake.
I LIKE YOU ALREADY!
I do often think to myself “who the fuck cares?” when I read status updates!
I am guilty. Looking forward to number 2 and 3 🙂
Oh I’m guilty too! Let me know what you think of 2 and 3
I’d love to, I just don’t know how to post comments via my account on the phone… But tomorrow I’ll do it, long 8 hours of boredom in the office are awaiting me.
Damn, I was just about to brag about a really good bowel movement I had this morning, but now my shit just doesn’t seem as exciting as it did three minutes ago. Did I mention that my finger poked through the paper when I wiped? Ah, you’ve already seen it on Facebook? Crap!
Hahahah – that’s really funny, kudos to you sir
Such accomplishments should not go unrewarded.
Well-written indeed! Thanks for the laughs, and thanks, too for the Like on my recent blog.
This is amazing ahaha so true !
“get their kids to school on time and made there* lunch”
*their
😉
😉 good call
Uh-oh, I’m going to have to start living a more exciting life, or I’m never going to be able to post anything:) Darn.
Reblogged this on ladynetvoon.
Thanks for popping by blog — loved this post and I think my post might have fallen into one of your douchiest categories lol.
Appreciate the insight 🙂 Cheers
Thanks for dropping by my blog sweeneyartcenter. Now having read your stuff I am compelled to tell you how very good your humor and writing really are – like, you didn’t know! Keep writing! Meanwhile I am on high alert to control any of my douchey stuff
Thank you so much for the kind words kathy! I just recently started writing so i’m curious to see where it takes me. I really appreciate your
support.
Having belatedly read this post I’m even more honoured you liked a post of mine. (Not being sarcastic) But don’t worry I won’t go # humble brag it on Facebook 🙂
And yes you have a terrific writing style.
Thank you very much!! It’s fun writing.
When cometh the 2nd Douchiest Post. The world waits.
I went to the gym and made a sandwich and read your blogpost today. Feeling so lucky.
Hahah
You made a sandwich in the gym?
Yes, and I found his blogpost in the sandwich.
Biggest pet peeve on SM (social media not that other S and M thing), flaunting it. Whether it be your riches, beotches, or off spring, there comes a point that it becomes more than what is bearable.
My biggest flaunts: I have a 7 year old car and a 64 year old wife…… Never mind, I have no flaunts other than I am only temporarily residing here while I await my transportation to the City of God. 🙂
My friend you and I share the same pet peeve