Dear Unsolicited Advice Gym Guy

In all of the fiery pits in Hell, the deepest pit gives off the stench of axe cologne and is bubbling over with hair-gel- sharin’, T-shirt tearin’, sister’s cousin marryin’ men that specialize in giving gym advice the exact moment you’re not seeking it.

Every. Single. Damn. Time.  My friends, this letter is for them; you’re welcome.

Dear Unsolicited Advice Gym Guy,
This letter is for you – most people knew that from the title; but I wanted to be clear since you had a hard time picking up on the screamingly subtle, “Leave me alone, I’m wearing headphones” vibe.

I’ll blame it on your big, dumb heart or your crusade to correct all-things-bad-form but dear unsolicited advice gym guy, you’ve made my shit list.

It’s not that you’re a bad guy, but it’s more of the fact that you’re a guy with bad timing.

So you know how I’ve never approached you for advice during the entire four year span we’ve known each other?

Well I was thinking, I’ve could have gone a lifetime without your advice.

I wanted to go a lifetime without your advice.

Believe me, I wasn’t dying to hear the secrets of the leg extension machine and how adjusting the seat position will “Blow my muscles right off the fucking bone.”

Nor did I care to learn about your crusade to fix all-things-bad-form.

I plead with you, it’s 6AM.

It’s 6 fucking AM.

Spare me. Please.

But I digress.

Here’s the truth:

I never asked you for your advice.

Nobody has ever asked you for your advice.

So why are handing it out like smuggled cookies at a fat camp?

As I sit here putting my head into the wall disturbing the sleep of my innocent neighbors; I’m pondering why today of all days you’ve decided to share your worldly insights about the proper way to push a barbell with me; and then I had a revelation.

I’ve decided that I’m going to give you advice that will change your-fucking-life.

Are your nipples hard yet?

Perfect.

Here it is:

When someone wants advice on proper form, they’ll ask you for it.

Now take the advice to the bank and cash it in! You Monopoly Man you.

I know you want to save the world one deep squat at a time, but

*Save the saving for the superheroes, chief!*

Your heart is in a good place but your timing is all over the place.

Sincerely,

The head-phone wearing public.

Clearly this is a satire and not to be taken seriously. Be sure to comment, share and tell me what you think. Tell me about your best unsolicited gym advice encounter.

66 thoughts on “Dear Unsolicited Advice Gym Guy

  1. Usually the wearing of headphones is a deterrent for unsolicited advice givers… this is why I kind of avoid the gym and exercise out of doors. If I’d want to be given advice on my “gym performance” I’d take a class.

    Liked by 4 people

  2. Yah, but iff u really vant to bahlk ahhp, und not be a girly man…. just kidding, your post was hilarious and spot on. Reminded me of both Buff Dudes -gym gentlemen, from Youtube, and of our beloved Hans und Franz from SNL. The amazing thing is the person who’s being helpful doesn’t realize he’s being obnoxious. Headphones, man, I can’t hear you with the death metal blasting in my ears! ~DM (who never actually goes to the gym)

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I feel we could take this post and use it in the context of those people that have to talk to you while you are reading a book. Because deep down you are only reading because you want to talk /facepalm

    Liked by 3 people

  4. When I darken the door of a gym, no one seems to bother me, BUT, let me pick up a golf clubbed every guy within 700 feet feel compelled to tell me how to swing, hold a club, place my feet, and twist my body. No, we aren’t talking about sex positions here.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. It’s particularly amazing to get advice from guys that don’t even train…
    (Me: Thanks…I want to look just like you.)

    Like

  6. Oh my gosh, we go to the same gym? My guy has a name. Paul. My husband will say, “Let’s go to the gym” and I have to simply say, “Paul”. I have memorized his schedule and avoid him at all costs. Too funny! Great post.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Worse. He just wants to talk. I’m doing cardio and he wants to have a conversation. Headphones are no match for Paul. I’m not even sure he works out. Just cruises for conversation.

        Liked by 1 person

  7. Ah, every gym has at least one! Back in October, my Unsolicited Advice Gym Guy (UAGG) took a break from gym advice and started telling everyone how great Donald Trump was.
    I wish I was joking.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Will I haven’t ever being too the gym, so no way to have the unsolicited gym advisors. I however know about people. A lot of them, that don’t understand that when you got your ears plugged, you really don’t wanna be disturbed.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. THIS. Like, Dude, I am wearing headphones and playing the music so loud they are bouncing when then bass comes on, what part of ‘I’m not interested’ don’t you get? 😡

    Liked by 1 person

  10. haha because they aren’t giving the advice to help you man, they give it to make themselves feel like they helped the little guy, the sad truth is those types of dudes crave for the ego boost. thus i avoid the gym and live in the cheat day

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Yikes, that sure was an unenjoyable rant. Next time, do not take your headphones off and just motion to the person that you are FOCUSED and don’t need adivice — FRANTICALLY point to your watch to indicate you are on a tight schedule! Works every time! Looks like you have some Jokes, heading to that category. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  12. This is awesome! I know that guy, and he gets on my nerves, too. I just put on my mean as hell face and try not to change it; most people don’t try to talk to me, but there’s always that one.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. There was a Buddhist monk he observed and questioned. All the whys. They sent him into the mountains. He did his dharmas to the rocks and they began to move. Because people may have been sitting on them. In Tibetan, context is different than English but I’m sure it was sitting. Direct translation is, hard. It always reminds me of satire. That. People find you if you’re funny or observant. They will follow you into the mountains.

        Liked by 1 person

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