And now for your reading pleasure, I’d like to offer you a horror story.
Picture this: it’s 7:30 AM. Black exhaust fumes rise as you inch to a lava-red line of taillights shining their angry glow in front of an angrier red light as the road is choked worse than a fat guy who had one chicken-bone too many clinging on for dear, sweet life.
It’s bumper to bumper people, there’s no getting out, you’re trapped.
The mood of the traffic jam is damp, annoyed and all the while petty as 40 people wonder what idiot caused their version of Wednesday-morning-Hell.
Your coffee mug is running dry while your bladder creeps towards full as you find yourself in one Hell of pickle when you see that car.
You know that car.
The car with all the dumbass bumper stickers.
Yes, bumper stickers are the tramp stamps of cars; a moving billboard from tackiest of advertisements.
In a world that competes for attention, the bumper sticker car wins the battle of the long traffic jam.
Read on to learn some of the dumbest bumper stickers you’ll see on the road today.
My Kid is an Honor Roll Student
Helen, good for you, we the people of the traffic jam couldn’t be more honored to be driving behind you, the annoyingly proud parent of an honor roll student. Hell, maybe instead of sending an application to college, you can just send your bumper sticker and Tommy will get in. Please feel free to cut me off and send me careening to a halt. Your kid is an honor roll student – the road is yours; I am merely in your way. Before I thought you were a van, now I know you’re a van who reads books. I’m going to drive in your tailwind with the hopes of my grades improving. If there’s one thing that the people of the traffic jam don’t care about at 7:30 AM, it’s that your kid is an honor roll student. Sincerely, the dumbass C student cars.
Honk If Your Drunk
Why the fuck wont this guy stop honking?! What is he drunk?…. Oh wait. Yep. ***Takes another sip of coffee*** Ehhh, what the Hell? Their drinks must be better than the coffee I’m drinking.
Let’s be clear, there’s nothing loving about suddenly merging over into my lane sending my foot racing to the brake, my coffee into the windshield and my sandwich exploding on my pants like a popped piñata. But hey, since you cut me off and completely upset my bubble, I suppose I can pause to reflect on the merits of world peace. You know the best way to preach “one love” is on the back of your car as you blast loud music onto a crowded road, hands free from the wheel, waving all willy-nilly into the air. I like your style kid; you’re bold.
Outdated Election Stickers
Nothing says I don’t give a fuck like election stickers from 1996, 2000, 2004, 2008, 2012 & 2016 all plastered onto one single bumper. What’s even more impressive is the 20 years of longevity from the car. Perhaps I should by that model? Nonetheless, this is the last person I’m taking political advice from.
Please comment, share and tell me what you think. This is satire and not meant to be taken seriously, person who I offended. Tell me what dumbass bumper stickers that I missed.