Humor

Famous Maintenance People

In a porta potty nearest you, somewhere between the scribbled dicks and the empty roll of toilet paper live the names of the world’s greatest maintenance men forever marked down to give the inquiring minds something to ponder as they stare down the blue abyss.

These maintenance men made a living scraping by doing the bare minimum and I’m the one to tell you their story of exploits, crinkled wrappers and frustrations. Take a seat and find out why your workorder wasn’t getting done.


Big Rig Henderson

Fitted with a commanding mustache and an appetite for “We’ll handle it tomorrow” Big Rig Henderson (B.R.H.) lived a life of luxury that only working in the shadows of a boiler room can provide. Emergency? Forget about it, this man kept to the “employees only” backroom where he could enjoy decades old playboys and make passive comments about how management is going to shit with his stable of card-playing goons. Every so often when the furnace stops working, do yourself a favor and grab a blanket because ol’ Henderson is getting to it tomorrow. Maybe.

Jamal Taylor

All business, no bullshit. Well, kind of a lot of bullshit. Mainly bullshit. Totally bullshit. This guy is a bullshitter in denim, a charlatan with a wrench. For three summers straight Jamal skillfully slept through noise of a ringing phone only to wake when the mandated cigarette break beckoned her sweet call. A true Maven in the art of stringing along tenants, Jamal won people over with his charm only to later furnish their frustrations with a complete disregard for handling work orders in a timely fashion. He didn’t fucking care, that was his genius; that was his marching orders. No business. All bullshit. Maintenance hero.

Dirty Dan McGee

You could smell him before you saw him. He wore Marlboro cologne, and used Jack Daniels as mouth wash. A cloud of dirt hugged his body and unkempt hair poked out from beneath his hat. He was a character alright, a character indeed. Quite literally the opposite of “The dapper dan” character archetype, in all honesty, Dirty Dan Mcgee was a piece of shit with a drivers license. He’ll admit that too. Work? Forget about it. Dan preferred to roll in the mud and try to flirt with divorced women. No one really knows what happened to him, but I like to think he’s living in the sewers somewhere raising a family of alligators. He wasn’t missed.

Please like, share, comment and tell me what you think! Who am I missing? Do you have a maintenance story? Which character have you had the pleasure of waiting on?

19 thoughts on “Famous Maintenance People”

  1. I used to work in a library on an Army base that shall remain nameless (and hence blameless). The library was in an old building, so occasionally the toilets were reluctant to flush a ‘load.’ We had such an occurrence on a Monday morning. I put in the work order immediately. Will “inspect it on Friday afternoon so we can get overtime on Saturday” lived up to expectations. A week’s worth of brown water and stinky turds floated around until Friday afternoon when his team finally sauntered into the library and said, “Too late to fix it today. We’ll have to come back tomorrow.”

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      2. That’s great! Yeah I’m going to try to do a better job of being more consistent with them, but thank you so much – reading comments like that make the writing process so much more enjoyable.

      4. Thanks! Yeah I forsure will – I always get wrapped up in these side projects but from here on out – I’m doubling down on the random bull Shit inside my head

  7. Oh my God, this post was fucking hilarious! There are so many great one-liners in this piece, such as charlatans with a wrench, or a piece of shit with the driver’s license. I loved this XD

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