Miami, Florida
Sitting untrustingly calm as a cucumber, a local steroid user brushed off heated criticism of steroid use with a half-hearted “It’s all natural, no steroid use here.” followed by a smug grin and a cheap wink.
It was like any other Monday afternoon at the gym, Douche bags from three square miles flocked to the iron arena like virgins to the renaissance fair when local steroid user Bob Tompkins raged out on the bench press after another, bigger douche bag challenged him.
Tompkins was all routine warming up his bench grunts, shouting at the top of his lungs, when A gorilla man hybrid, Brett Thomas, answered the call.
With tits hanging out of an extra small tang top worn by an extra large man Thomas lumbered over to the bench press a confident man ready to upset the pecking order.
“I can bench more than you pussy.” Whispered Thomas to a peacocking Tompkins.
Answering the challenge with veins bursting out of his neck like pipes sticking out of a post earthquake apocalypse, Tompkin’s mind worked up the courage to respond “Oh yeah?” and quickly stacked plates.
Rising to the challenge, Tompkin’s muscles ran like a well-oiled machine and moved an insane amount of weight with shouts and jeers working himself into a steroid influenced rage, leaving a tear in the collective gym conscience.
When the dust settled, Tompkins stood up cloaked in self appreciation and set down the weight a bigger man with adrenaline dripping like a shower.
Quivering, Thomas reluctantly sat on the bench knowing he could not compete. After struggling to replicate the weight, Thomas bowed out of the challenge, a dickless man.
As he walked away back to the shadows, Thomas asked? “How’d you get so big?! You have to be on steroids!”
Prepared for the criticism, Tompkins rattled off a well-rehearsed “It’s all natural, no steroid use here” with a smug grin and a wink before returning to his home to spend his evening scrolling away on Tinder being the consummate hopeless romantic.
Reporting to you live from everyday America.
– ATRW
This is Satire, and you knew that. Please like, comment, share and tell me what you think. Do you know someone who is on steroids and denies it? Do you have any funny gym stories? Do you like these random satire articles? Let the person typing this sentence know, by typing your very own sentence below!
“Roid rage–is it the drugs talking or a flaming asshole? (Think hemorrhoid.)
Hahah, that’s one of life’s mysteries!
Someplace, somewhere, there’s a shrink that can make some real money off someone like that.
Yes indeed!
I love satire and sarcasm equally.
Me too!
It’s actually one of my site rules. You should check out my 10 rules since you seem to be a kindred spirit. I let people know upfront that sarcasm is required, among other things.
I’m looking forward to reading them!
I liked the theatrics of it and you wrote out some spectacular descriptors. It was a fun read, that made me grin. 😁
I’m so happy that you enjoyed it! That made my night!
😁 Happy to oblige!
rippingly well told; I go to gym three times a week but have not witnessed such extreme behaviours. Admittedly Adelaide is not Miami 🙂
Thank you kind sir I appreciate that! I have no idea what Australian gym culture is like, but I’m sure it can inspire some great satire!
I like that attitude ! thank you; you’ve given me something to work on 🙂
My pleasure
“like virgins to the renaissance fair” I’m effing dying at this
So happy you like that! I enjoyed that too – it took me a minute to come up with that. the truth is I would kill to go to a renaissance fair.
Couple buddies used to juice. They’re in bad shape now. Pretty close to The Onion. They were, great.
Satire? You sure? Sounds pretty real to me. So well written Tony. Love it.
I’m so happy that you do! That makes my day reading this
You can’t argue with results.