Dear Grocery Stores,
Hey, how are you doing?
Great! & might I add, I love what you did with the café.
You know I never spoke to an inanimate object before (let alone wrote to one) but what the hell, I like it. It’s 2019, who gives a fuck.
Before I spill the beans, (and no, not yours 😉 ) let me say, I used to dig our weekly meetings. You provided me with food to keep me full and I provided you with money to keep Earl happy while he scrubbed those pesky aisles.
This trade we often made called life played it’s song and we danced in circles, intertwined, leaning on each other twirling to the familiar beat of the routine.
And then in a flash our song skipped a beat and from the darkness of appeasing modern PC culture, grocery store progressivism shattered the windows, raised its ugly head and gave birth to a passive baby called the “ish” lane.
Do you remember the express lane at grocery stores? The lane that used to be white-knuckle-firm, don’t break the rules, keep the people moving, model of consumer efficiency?
Yeah?
Then why in the fat-guy-sitting-in-a-hot-tub-fuck did you feel the need to unbuckle your belt and relax on the express lane.
What gives?
Do you even know the people you’re trying to appease? The “Ish” customers… ugh, the people who feel warm and fuzzy when they can bring 20 items in a 12ish lane? You know, the people who take an express lane and turn it into a normal lane. Yeah, those colorful characters … is this who you want turning oxygen into carbon dioxide in your stores? Don’t you make enough money?
Those “ish” customer assholes are the worst people ever! They know what they’re doing, taking advantage of your relaxed policies knowing your pimple faced cashier won’t call them out.
These bullies and their selfish grocery-buying-habits bottleneck a perfect system forcing you to sit and marinate in the normal lane with the Helens, Franks, and Catherines of the world. You become a fly on their wall and believe me, you don’t want to be on their wall.
This is a crime, grocery stores, a true disservice! I forgave you when you coyly turned me into employee by forcing me check myself out, but this… this is an outrage. You need to stop selling pears and start growing a pair.
I used to feel like I had the master key when I went grocery shopping. You know, the key that unlocked all the secrets. I was a ninja. I would slip into the store, quickly pick up what I needed and laugh at the sheep clogging up the normal lane knowing that I would be in out in a breeze while these idiots had to wait.
Now I feel robbed. I feel like you used me, abused me and then spit on my face.
Now when I use the 12ish lane in an attempt to get my shopping done faster, I find myself, thumb-up-ass ignoring small talk, suppressing rage as I watch the normal lane moving quicker.
Just watch, pretty soon you grocery stores are going to hire some more passive cashiers and then a house wife feeding a family of six growing boys is going to show up in the 12 ish lane with a nuclear bomb two-cart-order completely backing up the system sending the store into chaos…every cashier’s worst nightmare.
Listen Buddy, you got us by the balls, we gotta by food! Please grow a back bone and put a limit on the express lane.
You outta be ashamed of yourself. Keep your politics in the parking lot.
I want some answers.
– Some guy who was mildly inconvenienced.
Please like, comment, share and tell me what you think. This is obviously satire, i just want to make you laugh. I’ve been someone who has taken advantage of the 12 ish lane. Does the 12 ish lane bother you or is it just me. What grinds your gears while shopping? Be sure to let me know.
People who bring too many groceries to the express line and then begin to match each item with a coupon, want the groceries sorted to fit into the not quite big enough bags they brought from home, and then proceed to argue with the cashier that the price that was just rung up is not the price that was on the sign at the back of the store. I was behind this asshole this past Spring.
Hahah that’s awesome, I’m cringing now
I wish you could have shared in the pleasure. I’d enjoyed having someone snarky to share it with.
Next time !
This is what life is about… doing what comes to mind with no regrets. I love that you wrote this, so carefree. Well done!
I’m happy you enjoyed, ive been trying to frame this rant for awhile now
Hahahahaha! Spot. On.
Which is also why I’m the psycho who gets up at 5am and gets to
the grocery store by 6 so I can avoid those fucktards who clog up the ish lane. Hahaha
No dude that’s the right idea, I do the same thing
I always complained about my nearby grocery store, until they closed it down and now is a pain 🙁 though maybe my complains had some sense…
Hahah you might be right if they shut down
Somehow, this made me feel proud of the grocery store in my town. When they say five items only in their express lane, you fucking bring five items only. Otherwise, they extend their whole arm as if it’s one huge ass finger pointing to another lane as their way of saying “Fuck off of this line, you idiot!”
That’s awesome S/O to your grocery store for standing their ground
It also reminded me of some genius fucks who’d get two baskets and put five items in each. Glad they also noticed that and is no longer allowed.
Wow! I never thought of that – that’s actually super Clever – I don’t know, if you do go that length to find the loophole, you might have to let them through…. as long as they’re not in front of us
I thought I had it cracked by attending the two week course on how to use the self check out, but no! We now have mother shopping for a family of 27, blocking all entry and exit with her two trolleys and three babies, putting said babies on the scales and thus blowing up the whole system and then finding out that the checkout she is using is cash only!
Oh that’s fucked – I would go Beserk
My grocery store doesn’t have an “express lane’ , I don’t know if it ever did quite frankly. It does have 6 self check-out stations plus a person to help with any problems or confusion using the self check-out. That poor person works harder than the regular cashiers! Me, I wait for my regular cashier no matter how long his line is, and his line is always very long because he actually knows how to pack a bag. It is kinda funny when there are 4 open cashier lanes and there are customers at only one and when we are encouraged to move to an empty lane everyone says “No thanks, I’ll wait here for Richard”. You would think management would get a clue and ask us why we would rather wait.
You’re right! I would give Richard a raise
I was hooked at “fat-guy-sitting-in-a-hot-tub-fuck” … I know him. Salient points that resonate. Nicely done.
There’s always one fay guy in every hot tub
😎
Fat** guy
Thanks for the laugh! I hate shopping, too. One other bad habit is the ‘lane blockers” you know, the dimwits who stand two carts beside eachother and have a lengthy conversation. No one else can get past. I usually start with firm, but polite, “Excuse me, can I get by please?”
Clueless!
Hahah good call I forgot about that type! Happy Holidays!
No doubt about it. The rule should be stuck to no matter what. I picture a smart aleck with one item too many taking their time and in no hurry and when their turn comes, the cashier looks and says, “Sorry. You can’t check out here.” Then the smart aleck puts something back but still the cashier refuses. Haha. Now the smart aleck has wasted his own time. Haha. Now that would be a dream come true! Great post, Tony!
Wow. You are a talented writer.
Hahah thank you!