If you want to experience magic, you don’t have to go to the movies.

Oh no, you only to take the short trip to your backyard.

You see, the BBQ is a magical place populated by magical creatures.

And if you want to learn more about these creatures, sit your ass on a comfy couch and read on.

The Grill Master

Instead of earning your reputation, this guy grills his reputation… medium-rare… with salt. Who knew that throwing a piece of meat on the grill and turning it over between sips of beer can be so damn hard. The Grill Master. That’s who knew. The Grill Master’s contribution to the BBQ is the food, in specifics the main course. He’s the A list actor of this play and doesn’t have time to weigh down preparing the passable B-list side dishes aptly named potato salad and fruit surprise. He’s the star baby, a bonafide star, and he doesn’t have time for you or me. His attention is on one thing and one thing only: hoisting a spatula, sliding it under a piece of dead meat, flipping it over, and getting showered in compliments for doing a basic task. He’s the king of his castle & you know it. Frankly, as long as the flame burns, long live the king.

The Grill Groupies

In a daring escape from their wife, these people walked 10 yards away from the safety of the porch to huddle around the Grill Master like teenage girls to a Justin Bieber concert. These people stoke the Grill Master’s ego fire with basic hum-drum compliments. You can expect comments like: “Hey Bob, that looks great!” “Wow, is that a gas grill?” “You really make the best burgers” These groupies perform a wall of protection for the Grill Master in case there is a grill kidnapping attempt which is lead by the Anti Grill Master.

The Anti Grill Master

Every protagonist needs an antagonist and our antagonist is the Anti Grill Master. This bastard was dragged here nails-in-yard by his spouse kicking’ and screaming’ the whole way. The Anti Grill Master is the Grill Master in his group of friends but is the outsider in this current situation and knows one thing and one thing only… he can make a better burger than Bob yuckin’ it up with his buddies over there. To make matters worse, he’s locked into a forced friendship with the Grill Master. Their spouses are work friends they are just the men on their arms. This man is hoping for disaster to strike, maybe a random lighting bolt thrown by Zeus himself to come down and strike the Grill Master so he can have a shot at ruling the hotdog and burger kingdom. Until this happens, you can find him, nose in beer, thinking thoughts of “I can do this better”

The Underappreciated Spouse

The hero in our story is the underappreciated spouse. While the Grill Master is the star, the underappreciated spouse is the director, screenwriter, and producer of the party. She was the one who cleaned the house, went shopping, bought the food, invited the guest, made the food, and kept everyone entertained. She was so heroically selfless that we can’t help but shed a tear of appreciation. Later that night she will complain to the Grill Master about not feeling appreciated and she will be right. With wisdom, the Grill Master will pretend to be asleep and put the complaint off until tomorrow. Life goes on.

The Lawn Games Warrior

He was famously benched in high school and his therapy is turning friendly games of cornhole into frantic games of cornhole. Years of being denied that “winning” feeling has left a permanent scar on this man’s psyche and you have to bear witness to the trauma. He wants revenge for his younger self and he’s taking it out on you. Forget about making small talk with him. He’s busy attaching meaning to meaningless games.

The Drinkers

It’s 5’o’clock somewhere and somewhere is at this BBQ… so prepare to meet the drinkers. The drinkers are a strand of party-goers, that do one thing and one thing only… drink the beer. They don’t care about the food, they care about their buzz, so if you’re feeling hungry, make sure you go to a party with the drinkers… you’ll get seconds. What’s important to know is that the drinkers can’t just grab a beer, they must grab an “ice-cold one”. To the drinkers, calling their beer anything but a beer is of the utmost importance. It’s a way to flex their wit, so let them say their phrases. Cheers to you drinkers, enjoy your barley pop, and thank you for making the BBQ fun.

The Drunk

“One more shot” turned into seven more shots and one of the drinkers turned into the drunk like a caterpillar to a butterfly… This person can take a friendly afternoon of light drinking and up the ante to concerning levels. The drunk is well… a drunk. He slurs, he knocks things over, he’s an emotional roller coaster. Every BBQ has one, your drunk is well… yours! Fasten your seat belts, the drunk will inevitably take you on a drive down a road called memory lane. There you’ll sit by him, slightly annoyed hearing the same stories you’ve heard time and time again. Nostalgia apparently isn’t what it used to be. Zing.

The Fireworks Guy

He traveled the road, under-fed, bladder full to the outskirts of the city to find hope, in a hopeless place… the road-side fireworks stand. The town decided to keep these places on the outskirts of town for safety. We all know that the people who like fireworks… are the people who like fireworks… they’re explosive. This man’s limelight is bumming a lighter from a smoker and using it to light the fuse of the party only for it to explode in a colorful bang. We like him though, he’s the show after the show. Thank you, Fireworks Guy.

Please like, comment, share and tell me what you think. Who of these have you met? Who am I missing?