Listen, people, we have a giant issue on our hands.
Jack and The Beanstalk may seem like a nursery rhyme to you, but it’s a nursery nightmare to college-educated giants like me.
Just because you don’t have 80 foot tall, 8-ton Giants running around your backyard doesn’t mean I don’t have them in mine!
So please, can we cancel Jack And The Beanstalk?
I’m serious. Giants are people too. Prominent people who should be treated with immense respect.
We need to stop spreading the tale of one giant’s death because we don’t live in a brutal society; we live in America.
Jack was a terrorist, a fly you couldn’t swat, who stole, swindled, and slaughtered. In fact, “Jack” is the reason why I lock my doors at night! Rest assured, I don’t need a Jack invading my bog!
What’s amusing about a small man — in mind and body- breaking into one’s home, robbing them blind, and cutting them down as they rightly pursued him?
If someone stole your treasure trove of gold, would you sit back and complain about the commercials? Or would you get your ass up and chase them?
I have it on no authority that many of us would chase.
Have you ever thought about the giant?
The giant died in this story.
Also, the “Giant” wasn’t a nameless figure; he was a gentle father his friends lovingly called Gunther The Bone Swallower.
Gunther had a wife, kids, and community that he carried on his giant shoulders. Now without him to bring home end’s meat, who’s going to feed his son little Ragon The Blood Drinker?
In case your privilege blinded you, Ragon is also a giant with a larger-than-life sized appetite. He relied on Gunther to provide for him and nurture him so he too could grow up and wildly pillage towns but sadly, he is a victim in this nightmare.
So next time you and that whore Mother Goose wants to tell a story, cancel this one because this giant is genuinely offended.