Humor

Please Get On My Lawn

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HEY YOU!

Please get on my lawn, would ya?

Owning a home is just a made-up story we tell ourselves so why should owning my lawn be any different? We’re all just renting, right? So go ahead, dig a hole. Dig a big hole. Find a dinosaur. Find two dinosaurs. Heck, roll up my grass like it’s a giant green yoga mat and shove it in your car. My lawn? Nah, it’s your lawn.

And while you’re at it, use my lawn for your impromptu football game.

When I was a kid, I had dreams of going pro. Well, those dreams went down the drain faster than the Titanic. So now, waking up to the sounds of someone else’s dreams shattering (along with their collarbone) just seems to be like the next best thing. Who doesn’t love the panic of potential lawsuits with their morning coffee? I know I do.

Seriously, play baseball on my lawn too.

And take swings aimed directly at my house. Break my window? Now that’s what I call a home run. Extra points if the ball makes it through my window, takes a detour into the bathtub, and gives me a morning surprise right on the noggin. I needed some sense knocked into me anyways.

Oh, and don’t forget to invade my privacy.

Who needs peace and quiet anyways? We’re all just floating on a massive cosmic rock in the middle of n̶o̶w̶h̶e̶r̶e̶ somewhere. If I peek out of my blinds and see a band of strangers treating my lawn like their own personal park, who am I to complain? What’s mine is yours and what’s yours isn’t mine.

And one more thing, go ahead and even poop on my lawn.

Is that your dog dropping or is it mine? Who knows anymore? With the canine parade that uses my lawn as their public porta-potty, it’s anyone’s guess. And the delightful surprise I get when I head out for the mail and step on something squishy, it just really makes me shine.

So go ahead and get on my lawn and don’t forget to bring your friends. Only with your help can I ruin my life.

Please like, comment, share with your network, and tell me what you think. Oh and let me know if you’re getting on my lawn.

40 thoughts on “Please Get On My Lawn”

  1. LOL – Ok, what in the world happened, you are in a lawn mood. Be kind, put chairs out for people, an umbrella too, blast the music!

    Reply

      1. You need a sitcom. Miss the Seinfeld show.

  4. A bit of humor to brighten my mood, but you’re right. It’s everyone’s lawn!

    Reply

  5. Along with the lawn chair and umbrella, how about a couple of tents for the homeless, and maybe a truckload of leaves dumped in a heap for the kids to scatter?

    Reply

  6. Anthony, I’d love to share your lawn, bring a few pals over, leave some scattered empty vodka bottles and McD packaging but, man, you omitted to give us all the address!

    Reply

  12. Excellent as always. Thanks for another great story. If I my add to your list, drive your car through my lawn. My house was hit by a car last year. The deputy wasn’t going to fill out an accident report because he knew the youth. And I do mean youth. 🙄

    Reply
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