The Turkey Trot
Did some maniac wake up and suggest a 5K run on Thanksgiving morning? Gross. Channel your inner 2003 and slap on a pair of Heelys. Sure, you won’t win any style points, and you might lose a few friends, but hey, you won’t be running either!
So, you’d rather not get heartburn contemplating the inevitable collapse of society before the turkey hits the table? Your strategy is to blindly agree.
Is your Uncle launching into a four-letter-filled rant about the future of the country? Great! Agree with him. And what about your polar opposite Aunt firing back from the other side of the aisle? Nod along. With enough blind concurrence, they’ll catch the drift that you weren’t listening the whole time. It’ll make you their common enemy and indirectly bridge the political gap. Go, peacemaker.
Oh, cry me a gravy river. Worried about not fitting into that fancy wedding dress? Skip the turkey and load up on salad— a whole little of it. Sure, you’ll disappoint your entire family, especially grandma and her one joy in life —feeding you. But hey, in a few hours, they’ll all be passed out on the couch, giving you the perfect opportunity to escape their greasy judgment.
Is the big game stressing you out? Remind yourself of your utter insignificance. Believe it or not, you have little to no impact on a game 700 miles away. You and your stretchy sweatpants just don’t have that kind of pull. You’re like a fart in the wind — here for a moment, gone forever.
Hate the relentless, badgering attempts at connection during the family gathering? Ask questions- a whole lot of them. Give the illusion of interest while revealing absolutely nothing about yourself. Introverts rejoice; this is your master plan.
Backyard Football Game?
Oh no, is someone wanting you to risk breaking your ankle over a damn game of football? Don’t they know you don’t have health insurance? Do yourself a favor and play as a lineman. Embrace the O-line pride of snapping a ball and blocking air. It’s a thankless position you can be thankful for.
Most importantly, Happy Thanksgiving from your favorite curmudgeon!
What am I missing? Let me know in the comments. And be sure to share with your friends!