Call me naïve, but I never understood the fear of failure.
How the thought of losing something can scare someone into inaction.
And maybe it’s because, well, I fail all the time.
I can hardly get dressed without wearing matching socks – a criminal offense by the fashion police.
I tried out for football and made first string, bench rider. The splinters are still stuck somewhere in my ass.
And at the time of this writing, I’m querying my book and have had far more no’s than yes’s.
Another fail.
By any standards, I can say I’ve failed over and over again, and by the end of today, I will likely fail at one more thing.
Because failing is simple. It’s just not getting what you wanted and it happens all the time.
You wake up late and miss your morning coffee.
Fail.
You pick the wrong line at the grocery store, and get stuck behind some guy with a thousand coupons.
Annoying Fail.
You accidentally step in mud and ruin your new shoes.
Fail.
Failure? It’s everywhere. It’s not special, and you likely don’t fear it. But what you do fear is embarrassment. You know, looking like an idiot to other people, that’s what really screws with you.
But the good news is, there’s a way to deal with it.
My epic stand-up comedy fail
Years ago, I got the bright idea to give stand-up comedy a shot.
As you know – I like writing comedy – but performing comedy? To actually see when people laugh? That seemed like the new mountain to climb.
So one day, one of my friends told me he was going to try stand-up. I told him I would do it with him, and a hobby was born.
On our very first night, something miraculous happened – it worked.
We both got laughs and, even better, we were invited to do a private show.
We did the show – and again, more miracles. We had laughs and started to think this was something we could do.
After many more stand-up nights, I had an opportunity to do something I never did before – be the opener. In other words, be the unlucky bastard who has to go first.
And being an opener, I would learn, is a different animal.
You’re the person who’s supposed to break the ice and get people to pull the proverbial stick out of their ass and lighten up. And being the opener, you’re dealing with some high expectations.
The crowd wants you to be funny, the other comedians need you to do good, and, of course, the business owner doesn’t want to pay someone who drives the crowd away.
It’s a tall order for a newbie.
Unfortunately for me, I didn’t do a good job.
I bombed – epically so. The crowd was mummified, not a smile was cracked, and in the back of my mind, I couldn’t wait to get off stage, with my eyes constantly looking for the flash of light to bail me out.
It was, in fact, very embarrassing.
My friend’s epic fail, too
My buddy, who started stand-up with me, also bombed that night. No laughs, no love, and a couple of people walked out mid-set.
The difference? I got pissed. He got embarrassed.
For me, the embarrassment was fuel. It lit a fire under my ass to figure out what went wrong and get better. I spent my time writing jokes and practicing for hours on end until I felt confident in my abilities.
For him, it was game over. He never set foot on stage again.
And that’s the thing about embarrassment: it’s not the failure that stops you—it’s what you do with it that matters.
Why embarrassment owns you
Here’s the harsh truth: embarrassment happens when you care too much about what other people think and not enough about what you think. It’s like handing out free tickets to your self-esteem and letting the whole world take a seat.
But the reality is, you can’t control people’s opinions. You can’t even come close. So why give them that much power?
Why let the fear of someone’s raised eyebrow dictate what you do with your life?
It’s totally normal to feel embarrassed from time to time—hell, I’d argue it’s even expected—but you don’t have to let embarrassing moments stop you.
If you let it stop you, you’re essentially saying that someone who is not living your life gets to control your self-esteem.
It’s a losing business.
How to overcome embarrassment
Embarrassment isn’t something you can truly rid yourself of because, alas, you’re human.
Much like any emotion like happiness, jealousy, rage, or melancholy, you were designed to feel, so getting rid of something you were built to do is an impossible task.
But what you can do is get down to the root and ask yourself one question:
Do you care more about what other people think or more about what you think?
Because if you can start to care more about what you think, then you can get to what overcomes embarrassment.
Acceptance.
Accepting that being embarrassed from time to time is a part of life, and it’s okay.
It’s actually built-in motivation to improve.
Keep embarrassing yourself
Since that night on stage, I’ve done plenty of embarrassing things. I’ve posted my first fiction book online, filmed cringey TikToks (& hated the sound of my voice), and sent my book out to agents who probably rolled their eyes before hitting delete.
And you know what? Every embarrassing thing has made me better.
I’ve learned from all of those missteps and became halfway decent. I now have agents looking at my book, my Tiktoks don’t bomb, and I’ve been experimenting with more writing in different styles.
And it’s only because I was ok with looking like an idiot who wears mismatched socks.
The truth is that embarrassment is inevitable. Failure is inevitable. But letting them stop you?
That’s a choice.
And it’s the wrong one.
Use embarrassment to make yourself better, and in the end, you’ll be the one who’s laughing.
I promise.
Please like, comment, share and tell me what you think! Hey, in 2025 aside from my book, I may open up a new offer. 1 on 1 writing coaching. A course on mindset. How to write funny? Or whatever. I’m at the idea stage. What if anything, would you like to see? What could I offer, that you would consider buying?
I’m also launching a substack, I don’t think I did this right, but here’s the link if you want to get emailed whenever I post. Thank you for reading!
Great post. Thanks for writing it – I needed to read it.
I need to get over being embarrassed with a better attitude.
I had a big fail this week and it’s hurting my ego big time!
Time to get to action.
That just means you’re human, you’ll bounce back, we always do
You are what you are and you are who you are. The ego does us no good. It only exists if you allow it. I would recommend youtubing Alan Watts ego and listen to some talks on the matter. It will open your eyes and change the wiring in your brain.
Alan Watts, a British-American philosopher known for popularizing Eastern philosophy in the West, had profound insights about the ego, particularly from a Zen Buddhist and Taoist perspective. Here’s a concise summary of his views on the ego:
The Ego as an Illusion: Watts often described the ego—the sense of a separate, individual self—as a fiction or illusion. He argued that the ego is a construct of the mind, reinforced by social conditioning and language, which creates a false sense of separation between the individual and the universe. In reality, he said, there is no isolated “I” because everything is interconnected.
Ego and Suffering: Watts linked the ego to human suffering. The ego’s constant striving for control, security, and permanence leads to anxiety, fear, and dissatisfaction. By clinging to this false sense of self, people resist the natural flow of life, which is impermanent and ever-changing.
Transcending the Ego: Watts emphasized that liberation comes from seeing through the illusion of the ego. This doesn’t mean destroying the ego but recognizing it as a useful tool rather than the core of your being. Practices like meditation or mindfulness help individuals experience their unity with the cosmos, dissolving the ego’s grip.
The Ego’s Role in Life: While Watts saw the ego as illusory, he also acknowledged its practical function in navigating daily life. He likened it to a mask or a role we play, but one we shouldn’t mistake for our true nature. The goal is to live with an ego lightly, without being overly attached to it.
Cosmic Perspective: Drawing from Zen and Taoism, Watts often framed the ego as a temporary wave on the ocean of existence. Just as a wave is not separate from the ocean, the individual is not separate from the universe. Realizing this, one can live more spontaneously and harmoniously.
Key Quote:
“The ego is nothing other than the focus of conscious attention. It’s like a radar blip that you identify as ‘me.’ But if you look closely, you’ll see there’s no fixed ‘you’—just a process, a flow.”
Spot on. Loved reading this
Thank you so much!
Loved the write up. It really res9nated with me
Solid thinking, my friend. Get up; dust yourself off, and try again. It’s worked for me for a long damn time. Happy New Year!
Happy New Year my friend!
Hello Anthony, this was rather insightful reading. I agree and try not to let failure mess me up too bad and effect my life negatively. We all make A LOT OF MISTAKES.
“Fear is the mind killer.”
Have you continued doing stand up?
What books are you working on?
All the best, and keep doing your thing.
Hey I have! and I wrote a new book, letters from Jasper – on Tonysbologna.com it’s on the home page pinned up top – working on a new book now
Happy New Year!
It pays to advertise. I also just started a Substack page, though I don’t think I’m smart enough to know how to post a link yet . . . but I just subscribed to yours. See you there, here or wherever in the new year.
Good stuff -fail is a loaded word I reckon, if something falls flat then it was a necessary step in making it better. I do standup myself. Might be worth noting that the audience can also be the problem (loved Patrice O’Neill’s bit -paraphrasing: ‘don’t look at me with that sour face, I can’t remove whatever trauma you have or had in your life, you came here to laugh, give it a go’) …also the current trend for ‘insult/ roast comedy’ (have no clue how insulting someone is fun but seemingly it is) muddies the waters for storytellers. Anyways, great blog, fair play
Totally agree the audience does play a huge role – I appreciate you reading my friend happy New Year
Very helpful thoughts , thanks for sharing your insights. I will carry them through with me to 2025.
Screw up like the best of them! Here is to 2025.
The good thing with failing is that you end up learning in the process. I have related with your post so much that I had to comment. I just started writing and honestly, I can’t count the number of times I have doubted making it through this year. Am always afraid of what I can not see or put hands on!
Dude i’m proud of you for sticking with it! It’s all apart of the process, know I too have felt the same way – I appreciate you reading!
kindly read my story too
Will do
I find this insight very helpful
“embarrassment happens when you care too much about what other people think and not enough about what you think.’ – I’m going to try to remember this the next time I bomb at an open mic. Great post. Thanks.
Didn’t realize I needed to read this, until I did. Well put!
Great post!
Cool post and on point. Oh, like the look of the site.
As someone who is afraid of failure, I really needed this post. Thanks man!
It is scary to fail, however, I do believe there is no success without trying thousands of things and naturally you will fail at a few of them.
The master has failed more times than the beginner has tried
Good post R. If I may add my experience, acceptance and self love are continuous work of an evolved being.. I have been embarrassed to even accept that I had a such a low thought or that I didn’t know what was expected of me for a job. Humor has helped me a lot too. I laugh at myself and I share with my friends which softens the blow . I won’t be the first or the last .. that helps me too.
I’m a big believer in humor as well- thank you for reading and sharing
Great post.. rings a bell with me too..I often find myself embarassed about something embarassing I am yet to do. But I know for sure, it’s just gonna keep happening. I fluster and falter and generally make an ass of myself all the time. Sometimes I do all my embarrassing at one time in the day, and then the rest of the days feels light.
I feel the same way sometimes!
Konichiwa!! Thank you for liking my post, I was quite surprised because I just launched my blog yesterday, didn’t except anyone to read it ( and now. 5 likes) that’s pretty darn brilliant!!! I haven’t read your post throughly yet, and I will, I did read a bit, and I’m really interested and intrigued. Just wanted to pop by and say – thank you!
You made some excellent points about failure. What got to me the most were the comments about embarrassment. I related to that the most. When I was younger and did not have much confidence, embarrassment is what stopped me in my tracks. Embarrassment led to anxiety about potential embarrassment. Your blog was very insightful.
So happy you enjoyed!! I was the same way foo
Totally loved this. You’re insightful and entertaining. Sweet!
Thank you so much !
and wow! This, this is an amazing read. 😀 Ain’t reading this, is a failure!
Appreciate you my friend, thank you!
Great Post! Made me more clear about my life. Thank You!
So happy it did, thank you for letting me know, it made my morning
Happy to do it!
Good article, thanks. I can relate to it. Though if I’m being totally honest, laziness and lack of focus is probably my biggest issue. I’m actually pretty good at laughing at myself (I’ve had plenty of practice).
This is a great post and something I definitely need to work on
You have a certain wit about you that makes your writing enjoyable! Thanks for sharing
Love your approach! Another part could be how each of us defines “failure” and “success.” Since there are so many things out of our control, our reactions can make a huge difference.
So so true
Wonderful article… and sometimes, you can even fail at failing, life has a way of making that happen too. 🙂
That’s the beauty of it – thank you for reading
I’ve never thought of it that way. Food for thought 🙂
Happy you enjoyed!
Wow! This was so inspiring! Thank you for this. I really needed to see this today. Here’s to continued embarrassment for both of us!
So happy it did!
Beautifully written and inspirational, my good sir 🙂
Thank you so so much!
This was really meaningful to me. It made me realize how much fear I don’t have, which is making me question what fear I have left and it’s validity.
So happy it was!
I’ve decided this year I don’t like the words ‘fail’ and ‘failure’. How can you do either of those if you’re at least trying? In my personal journey I used those far too much and the negativity surrounding them caused me so many issues with my mental health. I wish they didn’t exist in anyones vocabulary 😊
Wow, I have finally found someone who is completely opposite of me when it comes to handling failure. Thank you so much for the insight; it was eye-opening, and it made me realize that I would much prefer your way of living!
So happy it helped
Wow great, get used to it and never stop trying 🙂
Indeed!
Makes sense. It’s not really failure, but the embarrassment that drives most of my efforts away. Excellent piece.
Thanks so much!!
I really needed this one. Last week, I had one of those days where the fails just stacked like bad Jenga moves.
I pressed a student who seemed totally checked out—kept asking why he wasn’t engaging. Got nothing but a blank stare. Found out later he was autistic. That one stayed with me.
Same day, I let a not-so-teacher-friendly word slip after a student threw an eraser at someone. He’d been off-task and bothering the whole class, but still—not my finest moment. I apologized, but you can’t unmake how someone feels.
Then, in my frazzled state, I stood on a chair and gave a passionate 2D art lecture… to my 3D class. A student (who’s in both) quietly let me know. “Oh,” I said, while 34 students blinked back at me. That kind of day.
Your point about embarrassment being more about what others think than the failure itself—that stuck. I’ve had a lot of those moments. I just don’t always frame them right.
Appreciate the honesty and the encouragement here. Subscribed. And I’m rooting for your book. Thanks for showing up with this kind of real talk—it matters.
Aww thank you so much, your comment made my day! It’s only human to have embarrassing moments – so if you’re having them, it’s just a part of our experience – I appreciate you reading
You my friend, are my new favorite blogger… and human 🥰
Thank you so much for the kind words! I appreciate you reading my friend
Most of this is spot on, but hear me out: what if you’re scared of embarrassing yourself before yourself? I think the inner critic also has a huge role to play in the fear of failure becoming something as huge as to lead to inaction. Or maybe that’s just me.
Anyway, loved the anecdote, keep em coming!
Thank you so much!! You’re right your inner critic will always be a thing but I still think it’s linked to embarrassment. Our inner critics always want to protect ourselves
Great blog.. loved reading this, it resonated much. Thank you!
So glad it did, thank you!
A prolific post and glad I stumbled onto this! Well, the flops have a flair and taking a tumble and stumbling also teaches a lot of lessons!!!
So happy you enjoyed, thank you for reading
I really enjoyed this. Don’t stop writing because you’re really good at it. I’m gonna hit subscribe because I want to see the next one! Promise!
I don’t plan on it! Thank you so so so much!!
This is a brilliant article. Lot of truth here!
Thank you so so much!
Thanks so much for the kind words, made my day!
Great stuff; fear of embarrassment should be crushed at the root. Found out how I got there… freer since. Keep writing, we’ll read and perhaps one day you’ll coach some of us to write better. At the mo… I just write for carthasis.
Wow! This is great stuff! Really relatable!
So happy you enjoyed, thank you!
Needed this today! Love your writing!
Thank you so much!!
Hey Tony! I’m new to WordPress. I was just wondering how I could more views and advertise my site better. Because your site is doing amazing!
Hey Thien, thanks for reading and congrats on starting!
Here are the two big things:
1.) write good content: good is subjective but try to write things that get you and the reader to have an emotional reaction on some level.
2.) interact with other writers,// readers
And just know, I’ve been doing this for years so what you’re seeing is the compounding of daily effort.
The easiest way to do this is to simply enjoy what you do
Thank you so much! I will start doing this right away!
Great read! And it totally makes sense. I would add that on top of what you think of others opinion you should also not take yourself so seriously. It’s a huge relief to do something without an expectation for success… just for your own fun and enjoyment of tryin it out.
Totally agree, thanks so much for reading
How do you grow without failures? I learn so much cuz I failed so much….
I had a pigeon. His name was Cookie. His partner was called Oreo. They were trying to make a nest on my ventilator.
Cookie used to get the biggest sticks I ever saw, basically from all around the place, and build his nest for Oreo. It never worked.
He used to do this every single day. And I used to wonder how he manages to get up in the morning and go through an entire day of watching his nest fall from the ventilator, again and again.
I was astonished at his discipline, and how happy he was at times. I saw the frustration, the anger, sometimes how lost he was, too.
But I never saw the nest falling as his failure. Because his big sticks overshadowed everything else I saw. He could fly on one smooth wing and carry them where Oreo sat grumpily.
Yes, they did make a nest in the end.
I get what you mean. I mean it too.
Nice philosophy!
Thanka so much
I wear mismatched socks with pride, and when ppl ask about it? I say that I’m starting a new trend. 😛
And I was thinking of starting a Substack too. I am REALLY thinking. LOL
These words truly resonated with me today and I needed them. I’m also happy to be a part of the mismatched sock club.
Your among friends