1. The Documentarian

If one photo’s worth a thousand words.

A thousand photos are worth one word:

“Annoying.”

To the documentarian, every moment deserves an audience — especially the unremarkable ones.

The walk to the coffee shop? A story.
The coffee itself? A story.
The empty cup? A story.

They haven’t eaten a non-photographed meal since 2015, and would spontaneously combust if they ever lived in the moment.

You’ll roll your eyes, swear you’d never do that, then magically post your own coffee later that day for some weird reason.

 

2. The Motivational Speaker

The guidance counselor you never asked for, pepping up your stories.

They mean well — they really do.

They tell you to chase your dreams.
They tell you to grind harder.
They even tell you if you shoot for the moon, you’ll land among the stars.

They’re not famous. They’re not a coach.

They just rehash recycled quips like one.

But buried beneath all the rah-rah there’s always a link —

The inevitable “Click here to learn more.”

Sometimes it’s an eBook.

Other times it’s an insurance quote.

And all the time, you can’t help but wonder how someone gets that fired up to sell dental coverage.

 

3. The Boomerang Enthusiast

“We should take a Boomerang!”

It starts small — a group of people clinking glasses — and that’s when the virus hits.

Next, it’s a group jump.

Then cheers.

Then waves.

Soon, everything and every moment’s a loop: wedding toasts, gender reveals, funerals.

The whole f*ckin’ shabang.

If motion sickness had a soundtrack, it’d be the thunk-thunk-thunk of their eternal clinks.

 

4. The Oversharer

The soap opera you can’t stop watching.

You never asked to be this close to someone’s emotional development —and yet, here you are.

You know exactly how they’re doing based on their background music.

Every breakup, every promise, every cryptic lyric about healing —  it’s all there for you to decipher.

You root for their highs. You feel for their lows.

And you think they might need a new boyfriend, all without ever meeting him.

They leave us feeling like neighbors who pretend not to hear the yelling coming through the wall.

 

5. The Phantom

You see them, then you don’t.

You were friends once — years ago — but time dropped sand on your memory.

When they post, you think, Oh — I remember you!

And just as you dig in for more info, they vanish again.

You’ll see them twice a year — once on their birthday, the other on accident. 

 

6. The Fitness Prophet

They never miss a workout — or a chance to remind you about one.

Their camera roll is 80% abs, 20% ego, and their alarm clock is permanently set to 4:59 a.m.

They caption everything like a TED Talk:

“Motivation fades. Discipline doesn’t.”

Or
“A lion doesn’t concern itself with the opinion of sheep.”

Without realizing that lions live in Africa and sheep live in Wales.

But hey — that’s geography.

 

7. The Relationship Status

Wait — isn’t she engaged?

No, she’s married.

No… she’s single.

She’s dating someone, you think — but she’d rather die than admit it directly.

So it’s an occasional story of a dinner… two plates.

A hike with two shadows.

And a hand holding a mysterious wrist.

Eventually, she’ll post a couple of photos with his back turned and caption it “him ❤️.”

Then delete it four months later.

 

8. The Meme Distributor

They haven’t had an original thought in years, but their memes are always on time — every time.

Their stories are half humor, half cry for help — and that ratio feels about right.

We count on them to say what we can’t.

And then steal their memes & share them with our friends.

 

9. The Pet Publicist

Their dog has more followers than you — and honestly, he deserves them.

Because it must be hell having a camera in your face just when you’re trying to lick your crotch.

The pet publicist has a dog, and you know it.

Everyone knows it.

Even the dead know it.

The pet publicist might even be the dog.

There are no humans in these stories — only golden retrievers with ring lights.

Is this the uprising we weren’t warned about?

 

10. The “I’m Taking a Break” Person

They post a black screen to announce they’re leaving social media.

Then post another story the next day, explaining why.

Their hiatus lasts about as long as an Instagram poll.

Then they return with, “I’ve had time to reflect.”

We’d like to say we don’t care.

But we do.

No judgment, all love. Life is funny.  Please like, comment, share and tell me what you think. Who did I miss?

Follow me on substack here: Tonysbologna | Anthony Robert | Substack