The Family
Father. Mother. Daughter. Son-in-law.
All seated next to each other on a double date neither couple agreed to.
A double date with twelve strangers, that is.
They’re arranged side by side in boy-girl-boy-girl order like a middle school dance diagram. When you talk, two people lean forward, two lean back, and the waiter serves yum-yum sauce in between. Eventually, someone bumps an elbow, and the whole ordeal resets.
Nothing like catching up on family dynamics while an audience tracks who’s tense, who’s drinking faster, and who hasn’t spoken yet.
The Birthday Boy
Big smile. Bigger ice cream. And a crowd that doesn’t know his name.
At a hibachi restaurant, there is a 90% chance someone at your table is celebrating a birthday and a 50% chance they’re lying about it.
The problem is, right when you’re ready to ask for the check, a conga line of waiters appears, clapping and singing like the Chinese restaurant across town burned down.
When the peak of the song hits, “Happy birthday dear…..”
You try to mouth the name along with the crowd, coughing up syllables, hoping you get that nod of approval.
Eventually, the song ends.
The smoke clears.
And you raise your hand for the bill.
Only to find the waitress preoccupied with the first-date couple ordering dessert.
The First Date
Strong eye contact. Under-the-table hand-holding and nervous glances to see who’s watching.
Their private love made aggressively public.
This is the nicest date of their relationship so far, and it’s happening for the world to see.
The guy scans the table like a mall security guard. The girl laughs a half-second too late at his jokes. And someone asks how long they’ve been dating.
They look at each other.
They look at the ceiling.
And no answer is delivered.
The guy glares at you.
The 100th Date
This guy has sway.
He knows the chef by name, and the chef knows his.
He gets extra sake, an extra nod, and catches the zucchini mid-air like he’s part of the show.
His date hugs his arm.
He doesn’t flinch at the fire.
He doesn’t jump at the knife tricks.
He just looks into his date’s eyes and asks,
“Do you like this place?”
Then winks at the chef.
The chef nods.
Two Bros Catching Up
“It’s been years.”
Four years, exactly.
They thought this would be a great place to talk about college.
They were wrong.
Their conversation now happens in whispers, timed between spatula clanks and onion volcanoes. They lean in. They pull back. They lose momentum.
At some point, one of them gives up mid-sentence and scrolls through Instagram.
Coworkers Mingling
What a day.
The boss was unbearable. The deadlines are looming, and they came here to loosen the tie.
Only to find they stumbled into a networking event with twelve strangers asking what they do for work.
Everyone’s favorite topic at 6 p.m.
They leave feeling more stressed than when they came in.
Grandma
She’s suspicious.
She’s polite.
And for damn sure, she’s not sure about the food.
And…
Not sure about the chef.
Not sure why his face doesn’t match his accent.
Not sure why a bunch of strangers are at her table.
At the end of the meal, she will say she liked it.
And you can rest assured she didn’t.
The Check Skipper
He arrived late and left early.
Flat-brim hat. High collar. Easy smile.
He immediately ordered mixed drinks and flagged the waitress like he was directing air traffic. When asked if he was with anyone, he smiled and made eye contact with someone innocent across the table, who smiled back in return.
But right when the birthday song started, he wiped his mouth, stood up, and walked out the front door.
No goodbye.
No payment.
Just a faint memory and a panicked waitress.
The Person Filming Everything
They don’t eat. They document. $24 dollars worth.
Every flip. Every flame. Every clink of sake glasses.
Their phone hovers, determined to remember this experience.
They never watch this footage again.
The Guy Who’s Never Been Here Before
He’s innocent.
Dumb.
Jumps at everything.
The fire.
The knife.
The egg toss.
He laughs too hard, then apologizes for laughing. He keeps saying, “This is wild,” like he’s looking for some sort of approval.
The flat-brimmed guy across politely smiles, apparently agreeing with his sentiment and the waitress.
By the end of the meal, he’s exhausted and surprised there’s an extra steak hibachi on his bill.
You
You laughed when expected.
You clapped when others clapped.
You said, “That was fun.”
Which really means:
That was loud.
That was strange.
That was a little uncomfortable.
But it was shared.
And that’s the point.
Please like, comment, share and tell me what you think. Who did I miss.Â
FOllow me on substack here: Tonysbologna | Anthony Robert | Substack
Very true..
Indeed my friend!!!
I’ve never experienced this, Tony, and I’m feeling pretty glad about that. I’ve seen some of these types around, and I can imagine putting them all together; yes, not something I’d like to be part of. We did have an interesting experience many years ago when my mother-in-law, who always liked to get the family together and torture us through the forced proximity, arranged a meal out at a restaurant somewhere. Her own mother was of the group, about ten of us, and there was a similar group across the restaurant. Try to imagine the awkward shuffling and eye meets on our table when a group of waiters appeared at our side with a huge cake, proceeding to sing ‘Happy Birthday, dear Granny’ – as well as the hostility coming at us in waves from the other group, who were supposed to receive the cake and the song. Not our fault, but embarrassing to say the least. It was the waiters – who were at fault – who paid in the end, lucking out on tips all around. On a part with what you describe, I’d say. Thanks as always for the laughs. 🙂
Hahah oh that could be an episode of a tv show! Thanks for sharing
I try to avoid hibachi places – the first time I went the chef was a total sleezoid blabbermouth numbnuts
Damn! Wouldn’t go back either
I have visited these establishments in the past enough to have seen this entire list. It’s very accurate! Loved it!
Thank you so much my friend!!
I avoid these places, Tony. When a food joint works that hard at distracting its patrons, the food isn’t going to be anything to brag about. That said, I do remember the first one of these I went to. I think I pretty well fit “the guy who’s never been here before.”
You are very wise my friend!!
As usual with your pieces, Anthony, I can see all of these people. Great job. I liked Grandma and the Guy Who’s Never Been Here Before best.
Thank you so much my friend, I really appreciate you and your support. The hibachi thing I couldn’t get out of my head after I went.
The folks at the table would think I’m the grandma, but deep down, I’m not.