The Realtor Card
“Merry Christmas” with a side of I want to sell your house.
Most people speak to their realtor exactly twice in their lifetime:
Once they buy the house.
The other when they sell it.
Everything in between is sustained by cards.
But in December, you’ll get sent a thick, glossy envelope with a professionally lit headshot of a woman who has never stepped foot inside your living room when furnished.
She is smiling the way people do when they want to be remembered positively, without doing anything personal to maintain the relationship.
The message always says something vague like Wishing you joy this holiday season!
And what it means is: If you know anyone moving, please say my name out loud.
Christmas cheer arrives with a side of interest rates.
The Family Photo Card
It says “Merry Christmas” once.
Only once.
And then the rest of the card is photos. Front and back. Edges included.
Of:
Mom.
Dad.
The kids.
The dog.
And a surprise bonus appearance from Grandma, who now lives in the spare room and clearly didn’t consent to this lifestyle or this photo.
Each image appears to have been taken in a different emotional climate. One child is thrilled, the other is furious, and the dog is somehow on a tropical beach.
There is no signature. No message. Just faces.
Very bold.
It’s the intersection where social media stops being social and starts being media.
The Job Application
It starts out innocently enough.
Merry Christmas from the Thompsons!
Then, without warning, the résumé begins.
This year, Billy started college.
Billy got really into baseball.
Billy left college.
Billy fell into drinking.
Billy stopped drinking.
Billy is “finding himself.”
Billy found himself.
Billy is back and better than ever.
None of this is framed as a concern. It’s all presented as a life update.
You reach the end of the card feeling like you’ve attended a meeting you didn’t RSVP to, only to realize you haven’t actually seen these people since 2003.
The Genuine One
A rare artifact.
A Christmas card with actual words in it.
Handwritten words from a person you know.
They didn’t summarize their year.
They didn’t pitch you anything.
They didn’t include a QR code.
They wished you well and meant you specifically.
There’s a short note. Slightly crooked handwriting. And a sentence that didn’t come from Hallmark, but from a human being who sat down and thought about you.
You read it twice.
Then a third time, slower.
You look forward to writing back.
The Hallmark Card
Every moment has a feeling, and Hallmark decides what that feeling is.
This card was purchased on December 22nd at 8:03 p.m. in a panic.
The buyer walked into CVS, only to find an aisle that looked like it survived a small war.
Envelopes spilling onto the floor. Cards half-opened. Someone’s gum pressed permanently into the tile.
They skimmed for the word Christmas, landed somewhere close, grabbed an envelope, and ran for the register.
Only later did they realize it was a Christmas birthday card.
They signed it anyway.
It arrives in your mailbox on January 3rd.
The Coal Card
One card.
One picture of coal.
No note. No explanation.
Sent from the confidence of someone who has already made peace with their decision.
You respect it, in a way.
And in another way, it drives you crazy.
You know they’re somewhere laughing.
But more importantly, you’re thankful someone took the time to think about you.
Merry Christmas and God bless!
Please like, comment, share, and tell me what you think. Merry Christmas, my friends. Our Savior is born. Who am I missing?
FOllow me on substack for more random b.s. Tonysbologna | Anthony Robert | Substack
A fantastic summation. Have you ever received a Christmas newsletter/newspaper from a family member? Wow. A bit extra:)
Hahah I have! Ahh that’s a good suggestion
Thanks for the laugh. I have received copies of each of these, minus the coal (so far).
Hahah thank you so much! Hopefully you’ll never get one!
You somehow managed to find a fresh way to do a Christmas (sort of) blog. Well done, Tony. How about the shmaltzy one of only the fur babies and Santa?
Ahh that’s a staple! Good idea my friend
enjoyed the read. Got “The Family” one, this year!
Thank you so much my friend! Me too!
I get a card every year from State Farm. It is the LEAST thing they can do. I enjoyed the read.
Hahah that’s so weird they do that. Thanks so much my friend, Merry Christmas and happy holidays!
LOL How about the card you received the day after Thanksgiving, because they want…cards.
Or how about the free cards the sender got from some charity. They sent the cards, didn’t send to charity. 🤪
I love these, Tony, and I think I’ve seen them all – thankfully more of the genuine handwritten articles than the others. My late mother-in-law always used to send us a card purchased from the charity she was supporting at the time, and which always had absolutely nothing of the festive seasona about them. Fortunately I could hide them at the back, behind the red, gold, tinsel-bedecked offerings. They always sent the message that the money spent on these went to a good cause, from a good person. Bless her. She meant well, sort of. Whatever. May the festive season bring you an abundance of what you want – and you can blog about the stuff you didn’t want that came anyway. Enjoy! 🙂
Hahah that’s funny! And you’re right! A ton of good material on our hands
You missed the digital Christmas Card senders who can be bothered with the physical word with its paper, pens, and postage.
physical world, physical word, whichever
A great summary on the holiday experience!
This is such a clever and hilarious breakdown of Christmas card archetypes you really nailed how something as simple as a greeting card can say so much about a relationship (or the lack thereof). 😂
I especially loved the contrast between the transactional “Realtor Card” and the genuinely thoughtful handwritten ones it reminds us that holiday traditions can be both funny and meaningful. In an age where design trends are evolving (from minimalist botanical themes to bold jewel tones and unique shapes) and people are sending everything from photo cards to interactive e-cards, your post highlights that the intent behind the card often matters more than the styles.
This is such a wonderful post! I enjoyed it thoroughly!
So happy you did!
This made me laugh in that quiet nodding way where you’re like yep I’ve received every single one of these. The realtor card especially… festive on the outside, business on the inside. And the family photo ones feel less like a card and more like a forced slideshow you didn’t ask for.
But that bit about the genuine handwritten card is spot on. You can feel the difference instantly when someone actually thought about you and not “holiday mailing list you.” That’s the one you reread and remember. Sharp, funny, and painfully accurate.
From one family, we get a “card” every year that’s 8 x 11, cardstock, 5 pages of photos of people we don’t know. No explanations. It’s like the family photo card you mention, but on steroids. It comes in a large manilla envelope.
Merry Christmas Y’all 🎄
Merry Christmas!
Merry Christmas, Tony. I hope Santa brings you lots of bologna.
Thank you so much my friend
LOL – a FUN amusing post. I haven’t sent Christmas cards in years. This year, I received quite a few. I felt bad that people took the time to write to me and I was lazy. SO, guess what, I just wrote Christmas cards last night, will mail them TODAY! So, a fun and perfect post for today. Merry Christmas!
Merry Christmas my friend!
To you too! Keep writing and amusing us! Ho…Ho…Ho! 🎄
Ha, that was humorous and true…. I never know if I should feel grateful or offended when I no longer receive the Christmas newsletter, bulletin, life update card sent by friends I never see anymore
Such a fun post, Tony! I hope you get a lot of the personal cards this year! I treasure those, too! Merry Christmas!
You hit the nail on the head with this one, Tony. Perhaps it’s a good thing that cards are dying a slow death in Oz. Happy New Year. Judith Colquhoun
Happy New Year Judith!!
And to you, Tony. Love your writing.