The Slow Cashier
You notice her before she notices you.
And that’s the first problem.
You’re three people back in line, and after a full four minutes of no movement, you look up—only to see a cashier stuck in time. She’s been separating a plastic bag for about 38 seconds now. Not opening it. Not progressing. Just fiddling with it.
Everyone in line does the same thing at the same time: quick eye contact with each other, then back to the cashier. A silent support group.
The woman checking out finally says, gently, like she’s calming a hostage situation, “You know what, I can bag my own groceries.”
The cashier smiles. Relieved. Like this solution just arrived from NASA itself.
Twelve seconds later, she scans a gallon of milk.
Five seconds after that—stamps.
Minutes later, when it’s finally your turn, you avoid eye contact because if you make it, your blood pressure will reach a number your doctor has warned you about.
The First Job Cashier
They still have the blue in their eyes.
Figuratively, of course.
The blue of naivety. The belief that work might be fun. Or at least fair. They greet you with enthusiasm, which is already a little aggressive given the setting: 7:38 on a Sunday.
Everything goes smoothly until they scan your beer.
Then everything stops.
They freeze. You freeze. The register freezes, and somewhere, a manager senses a disturbance in the Force.
Five minutes later, the manager arrives, checks your ID, and sends you packing.
As you leave, you notice the woman behind you holding a bottle of wine frowning as she watches the manager slip away into the back.
The Lifer
You remember her when you were six.
Then sixteen.
Now you’re forty-six.
And she’s still there—listening to the same looping soundtrack, scanning the same groceries, living inside the same four-foot radius of existence.
This isn’t a job. It’s a terrarium.
She’s scanned your childhood cereal, your college ramen, your frozen dinners after breakups and you feel like you should have a relationship by now.
But all you have is mutual recognition.
An unspoken agreement: I see you. I still don’t know you. And no, I still don’t want paper in my plastic.
The Comedian
You get checked out with a side of commentary. The comedian narrates your groceries like they’re reading your psychological profile.
“Big soup guy, huh?” they say, holding up onions.
They shame you for frozen food. They shame you for homemade soup.
Apparently, effort and laziness are both wrong. You laugh because correcting them would require explaining yourself, but that would make the experience run longer.
You leave entertained, slightly exposed, and unclear on how groceries became a performance review.
The Efficient One
No greeting. No commentary. Just speed. Items fly across the scanner like this is a competition you didn’t know you entered. You suddenly feel underprepared. Your card isn’t out. Your bags aren’t ready.
They finish before you do. You apologize, though you’re not sure why. This cashier makes you feel like a burden while also making you feel like they deserve a raise.
The Attractive Cashier
The cashier you don’t mind waiting for. You start rationalizing why they’re working here. They could be anywhere. Maybe an office. Somewhere with natural light and fewer Doritos.
You imagine a version of yourself who says something charming. Instead, they ask if you have an Advantage Card, and your brain completely shuts down. You fumble through your wallet like it’s the first time you’ve ever owned one.
The line grows. People sigh. You apologize to no one in particular. You leave embarrassed, flustered, and somehow in a better mood than when you walked in.
The Manager-in-Waiting
They don’t trust anyone. Not the system. Not the bagger. Not you. Every beep is monitored. Every item is double-checked.
When something goes wrong—and something always does—they sigh and call for backup, escalating the situation like groceries are a legal matter now. You stand there holding a receipt that feels less like proof of purchase and more like evidence.
The Self-Checkout Whisperer
Not technically a cashier, but always nearby. They appear the moment you make a mistake, as if summoned by shame.
They override the machine quietly, efficiently, and without judgment. They don’t ask questions. They don’t explain. They just fix it.
You thank them more sincerely than you thank actual people in your life.
Please like, comment, share and tell me what you think! Who did I miss! Happy New Year!
Follow me on Substack here: Tonysbologna | Anthony Robert | Substack
I went to college in the South, and the one thing that irked me was the Gabber. Yes, when the cashier’s distant cousin has their turn, you might have to resort to an obvious sigh to signal your need to move it!!! (Plunk in an image of Sgt. Hartman from “Full Metal Jacket”). Me? Sigh? Neeeeeeeevvvvver 🙂
I love your list. My favorite on your list is the Comedian. Keep those lists coming, please.
Oh the gabber is so good!
I think I might! I ve been experimenting with shorter form content just to promote on other apps while I work on finishing my book and the occasional non-fiction
You mention all of the ones I thought of, except for the one who desperately wants to be a weatherman and woul give you a detailed (though never requested) analysis of the current weather. Shut the F up, is not a polite rejoinder to this tedious monologue in meteorological superiority. (This guy used to work at a Giant in Northern Virginia before it closed and the spot became a Planet Fitness.)
This is hilarious! Love it! And…for the record… those bags ARE insanely tough to open. I go through the self checkout often and can’t stand them. Lol
Hahah thank you so much my friend, I agree!
So funny, Tony! I love the way you wrap each of them up with the way you feel at the end. They are all so good. 😂
Thank you so much my friend!!
My pleasure!
The Efficient One is the most stressful for me! I’m a quick packer but sometimes I feel like juggling skills are a prerequisite to keep up!
Cousins agree more!!
Self-checkout whisperer here. Can’t even help it at this point. Lol!
A good laugh, as usual, and I thank you for it, Tony. I’ve seen some of these in my time, but for years now I’ve had the groceries delivered and only go into a store once in a blue moon. The delivery guys come in various sort too, but most are good to pass the time with while I unload the containers they bring. 🙂
I’ve seen them all. I’ve also been a cashier, so I was the newby, and I fumbled with those plastic bags. I prefer being on the other side now, the customer side. It’s less shaming.
https://araja47.wordpress.com/2026/01/06/i-went-to-nepal-alone-not-to-escape-life-but-to-finally-meet-it/
Love it! So true. How about the cashier who knows everybody in town and efficiently checking them out while asking them about their life at the same time? We love her.
The gold standard! Great suggestion
You got them all down to a tee….one addition ..The Philosophical Teller who by listening comforts the forlorn grocery buyer who no one ever normally speaks to and who values the time another human being spent in acknowledging their existence.
Hi Tony,
This post made me smile. And made me think of the very friendly cashiers at Trader Joe’s. I shop at Trader Joe’s all the time and have gotten to know many of the cashiers, so much so that I can ask them about their families, their vacations, etc.
Food shopping isn’t high on my list of fun things to do, but I actually look forward to shopping at Trader Joe’s.
Nancy
I was the efficient AND a chatter box when i worked in a grocery store when I was younger. You are spot on with these!
Omg. Your so on point. I’ve met every single one of these cashiers and responded accordingly. Were you there? Were you the next in line. The silent observer?? Why hello fellow line holder. Nice to finally meet you. Converse with you. Read your mind or vice versa it seems. Lol shh let
this be our forever secret lol
It’s so cute that you make all of those boredom while waiting into a piece of satire writing. Love it!
I can relate! Made me laugh. I’ve met each one of these at Publix.
Thank you so so much! I appreciate you!
I chuckled all the way through this post. Thank you.
So happy you did! Thank you so much!
Great humor and a sharp observer! You descriptions, if never experienced personally, feel now as if they were. I very much enjoyed the read.
Oh in my case I feel its not the cashier. When its my turn the paper on the bill machine runs out, or the lady at the counter rushes off on maybe a washroombreak or my card does not read or if I am paying cash , she can’t find the change to return. A jinxed situation almost always. Like your posts and since I was dormant her for a while, i will catch up with good reads hear . Thanks