In the year of our Lord 2015, if you have managed to not live under a rock, (Call you Patrick Star) you are likely aware of the social media phenomena. For the first time in human history, people can read, admire and like the happenings of the world from the comfort of their toilet seat. We are hopelessly interconnected; the world has indeed shrunk and the possibilities are truly endless. Alas, this rollercoaster build up has reached it’s climax and now charges downhill. This article is part one in a three part series about the top three douchiest things people post on a social media. The kaleidoscope of bullshit otherwise known as the internet has provided BILLIONS of potential candidates so it has been difficult to narrow it down to a mere three.
This article is dedicated to the twisted people that go out of their way to read tweets, Instagrams and Facebook posts of people that annoy them. There isn’t one soul that I know that doesn’t indulge in the guilty pleasure of critiquing other people’s social media. If such a person exists they are likely the wisest being on earth. The truth is at times everyone is guilty of these douchey tendencies but I digress. The appetizer is over and the main course is about to be served, let us begin.
Douchey Tendency Number One: The Not So Subtle Art of Humble Bragging
Per Urban Dictionary:
Subtly letting others know about how fantastic your life is while undercutting it with a bit of self-effacing humor or “woe is me” gloss.
At its core, everyone posts on social media for the exact same reason: so other people can see what is going on in their life. Social media is our own reality TV show and people are tuned in. The number one douchiest tendency in social media is when people post a humble bragging status about acts / activities they should already be doing. Humble bragging is douchey in itself but the levels of douchiness raises ten fold when it’s accompanied with an ordinary act. In fact humble bragging to ordinary acts is an insult to everyone with an ounce of self respect.
This is our number one douchiest tendency because it encompasses many examples. The person that posts a status about making breakfast is held to the same standard as the fellow that posts he went to the gym on a Saturday. The person who tweets about making it to work on time dines at the table with the person who Instagrams that they had a productive day.
If you find yourself observing content and the question “Who cares?” comes to mind then ding, ding, ding my friend you have discovered a humble bragging status. There is no prize other than minute spikes of self-loathing, and quizzical grins but alas, I am no doctor.
Humble bragging about an ordinary act displays low standards of pride. Does anybody really care that you made dinner? I’m sure the dinner was fantastic and gosh darnit I would have probably come back for seconds, but did this really deserve to be a status? Yeah, me you and 2/3s of the population made dinner last night.
You went to the gym and started eating healthy? Congratulations, you are doing what you should already be doing. In fact millions of people do it and manage not to document it. Crazy, I know!
To the parents that post a status sharing that they get their kids to school on time and made there lunch. I ask you shouldn’t you be doing that anyways? Granted the lunch is a nice bonus but you made lunch for your kid, Mother Teresa. That’s great parenting but it’s basic, like super, duper basic.
If you’re going to take pride and brag about something, make sure it’s something that at bare minimum, isn’t ordinary. Take pride in accomplishing a goal or facing a fear. Stop taking pride in ordinary acts and start posting sweet statuses like a tiger playing the electric guitar or an elephant snowboarding.
I see 500 messages a day in social media and I surely don’t want to read about you feeling good over making a cheeseburger. If you are going to brag, just brag and if you do brag make sure it’s worthwhile.
Disclaimer : There are two sides to every coin, and many people post content as it is required for their job, fuels their passion, help stay connected with family, excreta and so fourth. Everyone has an angle; I acknowledge this and respect the hustle. Intent is everything and this article was written with the intent to appreciate the subtle douchey idiosyncrasies of social media. This was written intentionally with a skeptical, humorous lense. As acknowledged prior, everyone including myself has been guilty of this tendency.
Please comment, share your feedback, share your social media pet peeves, hate me, love me or whatever. Part 2 debuts next week. Stay tuned.
Nice article. Made me laugh and kept me amused for a couple of minutes. Uhm, this is really bothering me though, and I thought I should point it out to you… did you use the word “excreta” instead of “etcetera” on purpose? If so, that was funny. If not, still funny. Haha. Forgive me.
Hi Oinkichigo,
Glad you enjoyed the article! That was indeed intentional and I applaud you for noticing that.
It’s my firm belief that most people on social media are introverts. We (the introverts) would never dream of saying anything we say on social media. The veil of cybernimity* gives us guts, foolhardy as that may be. (I just made that up. I lay claim to it officially. ;-)) We’d bore that pants off people in real life if we prattled on about half the stuff we share on social media. That’s why we have no friends in the real world.
P.S. Mother Theresa is tired of being used as a punching bag.
Hi Skat,
Interesting points! Social Media is a great tool for introverts to socialize, as well as for people to connect. I will say that introverts usually have well thought out point of views and I do appreciate that.
The real story is how you are able to communicate with Mother Teresa 😉
Have a great one!
I’m a Catholic and I have nuns in my family. We have a “thing”. 😉
I’m so sorry! I missed this reply earlier. Mama T and I are very good friends.
I’m all for the introverts; we are the ones who keep social media rolling. Prior to the internet, all we could do was sit at home, read newspapers and write letters (snail mail) to the Editor. ha ha
First – thanks for the like on Jacques’ Dog Blog!
Second – haha!!SO true!!! I have actually unfriended a few people because their statuses we’re play-by-plays of their entire days – including trips to the bathroom. I just couldn’t handle it and I really didn’t care!
Hi Jacque,
Thank you so much for the feedback; I really do appreciate that! I totally agree there is nothing more annoying than people who have a play by play of their day. Save some fucking mystery for us!!! If people document their entire day than what can they possibly talk about with their friends and family? Once again thank you for the feedback and I wish you a fantastic day!
Enjoyed this article – fun read. And SO agree – I’m trying to keep my ‘stupid’ (harsh but currently true) sister from constantly posting her tyrants about her ‘soon-to-be-ex’ on Facebook (as I and a friend of hers remind her, ‘great fuel for his attorney’) – but we are amused with the ‘likes’ and comments her (so-called friends/followers) give her. Facebook – the bashing, OMG I’m important and/or my life sux new world. I fell into that trap in the beginning (admit it) but it didn’t take long to realize that I actually just like to write… (whether you LIKE) or not! Can’t wait to read the rest…
Hi Laura,
Thank you so much for the feedback! I really do appreciate any and all feedback so this has not gone unnoticed. You’re absolutely right people love reading the bashing comments on Facebook; probably because they have nothing better to do. I can deff understand wanting to share yourself with the world but I’ve always thought that people should do it in a positive manner. It’s far too easy to write a status bashing something, it’s easy to complain. Once again I thank you for your feedback and hope you have a fantastic rest of your day! =)
The article is spot on, but in truth a lot of people are dull and have boring lives. It most likely does give them an outlet to at least pretend someone cares, and vice versa. (says me writing a comment on a social media site after a mind-numbingly tedious day). The oddest trend I find is when a celebrity dies and it instantly gets about 10,000 ‘likes’. Is this really appropriate? Are they glad they’re dead? I find this totally bewildering – like doing a Mexican wave outside the hospital room as the doctors call it.
Hi Statler,
Thank you for the feedback! I have noticed that too! It puts you in a moral dilemma. Do you like the photo to show that you miss them? or do you like the photo and risk people thinking that you’re glad that they died? Keep them on their toes..
I say the old-fashioned way, just say “Oh, that’s a shame” and then get on with whatever you were doing cos you didn’t even know them, slightly. But that’s just me :>
I like your coyness good sir.
“There isn’t one soul that I know that doesn’t indulge in the guilty pleasure of critiquing other people’s social media. If such a person exists they are likely the wisest being on earth.”
Preach, man. Such truth there.
Hey thanks Calliope! Glad you enjoyed it.
Hitting really close to the house, breaking it up into a three part expose is a good idea. Could have used a little less profanity, but your ideas and thoughts, are right on the money. Grabbed a sub and will follow it to see what transpires.
Good job.
LDS
Hey,
I appreciate the feedback and thank you for the support! I hope you enjoy part 2 when it comes out.
So right so far . Can’t wait for part 2 and 3. You pull no punches .
Hi Dan,
Thank you for the support! I can tell you part 2 revolves around a current lightning rod issue and trend. Stay tuned..
Love it! Made me laugh!!!
Is blogging social media?? Just curious.
There was a comment on introverts using social media as a way to communicate etc. I’m an absolute introvert, but not awkwardly social when I need to be. I don’t facebook etc., I’m so not interested in who did what with their day and I could care less what anyone eats for dinner. Unless I’m hard core PMS’ing then I want to know what everyone is eating!! Haha … but I obviously blog. I wouldn’t think a true introvert would want to be on social media … But I guess being a quiet person comes in varying forms.
I am looking forward to part 2 & 3. Hurry up! 😉
Hi Sandy,
I appreciate your feedback and want to thank you for the support! I guess blogging technically is social media so I think I’m a hypocrite 😁😁 I think to many people people put to much weight into being an introvert or extrovert.
I consider myself an introvert but everyone I meet considers me to be extremely extroverted. Who the hell knows?? Part 2 is something that you’ll love to hate, I promise you!
Reblogged this on Concierge Librarian.
Hahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha…..I can only roll my eyes sometimes
I found myself smiling and nodding my head while reading your post
I will follow you and I look forward to read more from you.
Thanks for making me laugh 🙂
Sirenia
Hi Sirenia,
Thank you so much for the feedback =) I’m glad you enjoyed my post. I hope you enjoy part 2.
Patting myself on the back for reading this in one sitting after buying groceries before noon 😀
Touché
Reblogged this on literallylaurie and commented:
HA!
I did 3 blog post about Social Media myself and how absolutely ridiculous people are. Everybody trying to be something they not, doing the most for some attention it’s sad. Not truly caring about making real connections just want attention. Nice to see like minds who share the same thoughts. lol. Great post 🙂
Tickled my funny bone, I did enjoy reading this witty dissection of the most banal excreta that populates the vast majority of social media networks. I am curious though, and maybe shall experiment, does this humblebragging actually have an audience? (begins the process of setting up fake twatter and facepalm accounts…)
Hey thank you so much! Unfortunately humblebragging does have an audience. It’s audience is other douchebags 😉
Reblogged this on Marilyn Munrow and commented:
hahahaha love this. thank you.
Hi there, thanks for the “LIKE”! I’m not even eyebrow deep in your world and I already realize I’ve been missing out. Thanks for the laughter. I am one of those “laughter is the best medicine” types so keep ’em coming.
Thank you so much for the feedback! I really liked the expression you used “I’m not even an eyebrow deep”
lol
Nice!! I am glad to see many of my thoughts in print, that I didn’t write. 😀 I will read your next two installments as soon as you are done with them. I am also tired of the mundane tweets. Worse are the offenders who retweet such tripe. Worst are the MSM jerks who produce articles on such things that is none of my business and goes waaaay beyond my interest point (Jenner sex change).
Reblogged this on Crazy Pasta Child.
The Web Is Home To Narcissistic Behavior under False Anonymity.
I cannot read facebook posts for more than three minutes without getting painfully bored and wanting to stab someone with a fork.
“I lost a half a pound”
is not interesting and reading about the next 800 “lost a half a pound”
then ” oops , ate an entire cake. Gained a pound”
back and forth
It is really painful to me.
I feel so embarrassed for them posting such boring posts that I can’t bear to read it.
Most everyone of my Facebook friends complains that I am “never” checking my Facebook, which is true.
I tried to tell then that I enjoy WordPress more because it has more substance and meaning, but sometimes this hurts their feelings or I sound conceited.
Oh well, I cannot torture my soul and lose IQ points, just to please others.
Every hour on facebook watching how people dress up their poor pets in clothing. ..pets which now need therapy LOL…drops your IQ by one point.
No, I am making it up….but it feels like that.
Sending good writing vibes and good stuff vibes 🙂
Annie <3
Hi Annie,
Thank you so much for the support! Yes, I agree Facebook blows. You made the right decision going to WordPress. People who enjoy reading are usually better off in the big picture. Thanks again!
can you guys please follow my blog
I like your ideas and your wit. Funny and true as it may be, there are some very lonely people out there who need the social media to interact with people. l like the fact you realize that…
Hi Shirelie,
Thank you so much for the feedback! Social media is a double edged sword. If social media makes someone feel loved and important then I am happy for them. I think people do get carried away with it at times but hey we’re only human. Thanks again for commenting and I hope you like part three when it comes out.
Reblogged this on AMSFYN.COM Peoples Micro Magazine.
Reblogged this on fattymccupcakes and commented:
This is hilarious. Hilarious and far too accurate!
Love your blog, just been reading through the articles, funny ,insightful and honest.Look forward to reading more of your posts. Here is an article I did on 2014 biggest moron, some overlaping themes with what you have written http://things-that-matter.net/2014/12/28/biggest-moron-of-2014-is-revealed/
Thanks for visiting my blog. I love this post! I’ve never really understood some of the things people like to share on social media. TMI!
Thanks for the feedback,
I’ve never understood people, maybe that’s our problem!
This gave me a chuckle! Thanks for the good read and the like on my blog! Peace, Love and all the good shit lol!
Hi Nelson,
No problem at all, for the record I love the expression, peace love and all that other good shit. Might have to borrow that from you!
Feel free lol! Sharing is caring hahaha…. hope u subscribed to the Road and Sky youtube channel as well for more fun and frolics….
Thanks for stopping by mine 🙂
Haha, love your post~ I’m going to go back and make an awesome dessert worth bragging about 😉
You couldn’t have said it any better my friend! :p
Thanks Thai!
Omg! It’s actually me, sneaks back to WordPress page to make sure it’s cool. Brilliant read, very funny. 🙂
Thanks Magpie =)
Finally. I’ve met somebody who’s equally sardonic! (I get a bad rap- I swear I do.) The main difference between us though, is that people who would view me as a classic bitch, would view you as the coolest guy in the world.
Must be nice. ;0) I agree with 100% of your philosophical views on EVERYTHING. x
Hey thank you so much! Great minds to think alike 😉 If it means anything I don’t think you’re a bitch!
That’s what the last guy said. haha…
(Kidddiiiing…….)
Thanks for the like on Unfinished Business. I like the series you’ve started writing about. It’s pretty much right on the money, as the saying goes . . .
Thank you so much! Theres little quirks about social media have been annoying me for years..
Totally enjoyed reading this and totally agree. I log into Facebook every couple of weeks just to see what family is up to. Otherwise I could care less about the plate of food my ‘friends’ took a picture of before they ate it!
Thank you, glad you enjoyed it! I think we’re all in a way addicted to social media and being in the know. I check up on people that I’m not even friends with and I know it doesn’t serve me any value, yet I still do it!
Thank you for reading and liking one of my posts. I thought I would read one of yours this afternoon. It’s different, and interesting take on social media (I rather hate the word, one might as well include the old world method of writing letters except such writings rarely reach more than a couple of people at anyone time). Since I don’t use a cell phone much, I don’t text or twitter or instagram (whatever that is) and I refuse to have anything to do with Facebook. But I get your point. In my youth we had happenings and be-ins where the introvert could rub elbows with the extrovert. Some of the more interesting social “media” were fraternities.where introverts, once supplied with enough liquor, could discover their “outer selves” in the comfort of their one “House”. One could even meet live girls face to face and practice interdigitation with them instead of with their iPhones. Keep writing, you are entertaining to read.
Hi William,
Thank you for the thoughtful comment! I really like the way you set up your points in your articles. Looking forward to reading more.
I couldn’t resist commenting. Very well written!
Thanks for the like on How to Get Things Done in 10 Ways!
Love what you wrote here! Super funny and I couldn’t agree more. I usually spend my time seriously reading posts and thinking who the fuck cares!
Thanks Allie! Glad you enjoyed it. I find myself doing the same thing. https://widgets.wp.com/notifications/1953510776#
But if I don’t post about it, it didn’t really happen!
That’s right!
You know, social media is the reality we wished we really had. The “look, look, LOOK at me, I’m happy, my world is perfect” kind of fluff that only lives in the internet. Honestly, I don’t even recognize my sister when I look at her Facebook. All the bubblegum-sunshine-crap she posts is not even close to true to life. It makes me think, though, that that’s what some folks need; a way to escape from misery or boredom. While I applaud you for your candor and humor (damn, you make me laugh!!), I look at the people who “humblebrag” and all the stupid and trivial shit they make such a big deal of, is exactly what they need to do to keep going. AND let me make it clear that I NEVER, oh no not me, not ever do I humblebrag! 😉
WE never, oh no not us, not ever do we humblebrag 😉
Love it! Now, do you wanna see my cheeseburger? I need to start teaching my tiger to play the electric guitar…
Make sure you exercise GREAT patience when training the tiger… They are very fickle creatures 😉
Ha! This is too funny, and too true!
My biggest social media pet peeves are:
1) when people add the hashtag ‘blessed’ to everything. I guess that’s similar to the humblebrag, except with a bit more piety.
2) when people post disgusting photos of their sick child’s bodily fluid, green tongue , etc. Look , I’m sorry to hear that your kid is sick , but if you post disgusting photos I will unfriend you faster than you can hit ‘like’.
3) When people post photos of their meals. It’s OK if it’s only done when you get a plate of food that’s an artistic masterpiece, but most of the people that do this post a food-pic about once a day.
Thank you for visiting my blog and for liking one of my posts. Blessings, Natalie 🙂
I enjoyed your blog. You are a great writer
I appreciate that buddy!
Thank you! I totally agree!!!
Hilarious! Thanks for a great read. I’ll admit I’m a douche now and again, and I’m OK with that! Funny stuff.
Hey I’m a douche from time to time too! Thanks for checking me out!
I agree with you. Now let me tell you about the fried breakfast I ate this morning, maybe even post a photograph of it or, on second thoughts maybe not …! Kevin
Can you post it in Instagram and then tag me in it?
So, I take it that you don’t want to know what I fed the cat I don’t have this morning, and how I fixed my lunch? You mean that’s NOT interesting to everyone in the known universe????