How To Be a Facebook Idiot

Anyone can be an idiot… but can YOU be a Facebook idiot? You decide.

What lies below is an utterly satirical guide you can follow to learn how to become a world-class Facebook idiot in preparation for the upcoming election season.

Buckle up, it’s time to lower your IQ.

Post Without Logic

Hey Einstein, guess what? All those years of struggling to better yourself through education are WORTHLESS. Why? Because the cornerstone of being a Facebook idiot is posting without logic. So get a head start and lose yours… (your head). Instead of researching informed political opinions from legitimate sources, you know, painstakingly taking the time to understand all points of view and using logic & reason to interrupt where you fall on the proverbial line…. Do the opposite… post without logic. Actually… don’t do anything…. Make a TV dinner, pick your belly button, and blame the dog for the stained carpet. If anything, just share the stories on Facebook that have pictures with your favorite color. Who doesn’t like your favorite color? Only an idiot… that’s who!

Belittle People For Having Opposite Points Of View

Are you the type of yellow tooth, bone sucking barbarian who steps on spiders when you see them? Great. Now it’s your turn to step on virtual spiders… you know, the bastards who disagree with what you have to say. Whenever someone has the nerve to park their logical opinion in your narrow-minded driveway, prepare to put on your angry old man pants and belittle people who disagree with you. Be proactive. Instead of welcoming a debate, squash the discussion before it even starts. I mean, come on, If someone is disagreeing with you, they must be wrong. After all, you’re always right, and the sun revolves around you. A dedicated Facebook idiot belittles people who see things from a different lens. Instead of embracing America’s melting pot, these people want to watch the pot burn, so they can roast marshmallows and make s’ mores. Who doesn’t love s’ mores, right?

Defend What You Post With Emotion 

The critical step in becoming a real Facebook idiot is to defend whatever you post with some pure, hardworkin’, unchecked emotion. Now it’s your turn to become a dragon and let your opinions burn wherever they damn well, please. Essentially, if anyone fancy-schmancy person wants to use “logic,” kick that person in the proverbial balls with your emotional response. Remember, no questions. No logic. Straight emotion. You want to use so much emotion that it drowns all forms of reason. It’s a pool party, baby, it’s time to take a swim.

Never Fact Check

Hey Buddy, come over here and let’s beat this dead horse, dare I say… together. Again, never, ever, EVER fact check what you post. Only an idiot would post something without fact-checking, and that’s our goal. To clarify, our goal isn’t to be informed, it’s being an idiot. So please, don’t fact check any of your political beliefs. Checking the facts is what people who are not idiots do … we don’t want to be like them!

Over Share

You can’t be a shy sally if you want to be a professional Facebook Idiot. Oh no, check your ego at the door and prepare to give your sausage fingers the workout of a lifetime! Post nonstop like you’re a psychopath running from the government who won’t be silenced. You want to post so much that the Guinness Book of World Records will contact you for a world record. That’s how much you should post. Anytime you smell the first wif of a post you like, share it.. don’t bother reading it…. Reading doesn’t matter. Remember, our goal isn’t to post on facts, logic, or reason. It’s mainly to post things that have our favorite color. Stick to the plan Stan! Stick. To. The. Plan.

Never Take Action

Finally, the best way to earn your Being a Facebook Idiot boy scout badge is to simply never take action on anything you believe. Never. Instead of you know, becoming more involved with your political party, making some phone calls, attending meetings, etc.… do none of that. Instead, keep your lumpy, hairy ass glued to the couch. Is it leather right? You like leather… so grab a soda & stay awhile. You want to aim for all talk, no action. THAT’S how the greats did it! After all, taking action would take you away from your darling TV, and we all know he gets lonely.

Happy Election season, people. Thank you for allowing me to waste your time. Again, this is a joke and my way of poking fun at how some people act on Facebook. I’m not perfect; I’ve made mistakes but, ideally, do the opposite of what I said in this article. Be informed—fact Check. Use Logic. Understand all sides of an issue before posting. Welcome debate. Take action for what you believe in. Be kind. Let’s try to be better as a society; we owe the world that.

Please like, comment, share, and tell me what you think. Are you excited about all the political posts?

67 thoughts on “How To Be a Facebook Idiot

  1. This sounds like a Good Mourning, America twitter-politico fest. What do you think about the 16th President of America Project?

      1. Abraham Lincoln was our 16th president
        A group of disaffected Republicans call themselves the Lincoln Project and just released an add called Mourning in America which is a take on Reagan’s Morning in America campaign ad. It has really gotten under the thin skin of our Narcissist in Chief. It fueled a major Twitter storm.

  2. There are some people who when someone disagrees with them, they go “Whatever!” and dismiss the other person’s point of view. Then there are others who when someone disagrees with them, they start exclaiming on their right to bear arms. Big difference there!

  3. Its’ funny how there are always two sides. And each side talks about how the other side talks without logic. Then both sides use God and will say He has everything planned in their favor.

    They both believe what they believe is right and will always say that the other side is a bunch of morons. There’s just no end to it.

  4. Just hypothetically, for doing the emotion thing, what would be the correct number of these 😡 emojis to use? Do you think fifty would get the message across or would a hundred be needed? Would just these be idiotic enough or should the idiot use some words too? Thanks for the entertainment, even though it was kind of scary reading.

  5. I like this post. A. Lot.
    It strikes me too that you don’t have to specialise in Politics to achieve this level of greatness. You can apply it almost universally. For example you can embrace the techniques when ‘discussing’ pandemics, sport, automobiles, world economics, anything really, just knock yourself out!

  6. Sometimes I like to be thoughtful, fair-minded and do my homework, but for the most part I never let the facts get in the way of a good argument 😂

  7. This is blessing to society 😂😂 thank you so much, I thoroughly enjoyed “wasting my time” on this post! Where I live it seems like everyone is spending their stimulus checks on political yard signs….
    Who’s gonna see that?!? We’re all inside! 🤦😂

    1. The most distressing thing so far on FB is the people whose politics I agree with are ranting just like the other side. I heard once and have remembered: If you fight monsters, be careful you don’t become a monster.

      There’s some funny stuff on FB, but at its best it’s a terrible Time Suck

      1. I’m working to teach myself as well. I try to stay balanced but occasionally lash out. It’s all so exhausting.

  8. Hello, TonysBologna. I loved it from the first sentence. You are doing what I think is one of the hardest kinds of writing to master–political satire–and you’ve got the key. You’re right on the money with facts and insights and you’re funny as all get-out. I’m thrilled to have found your blog.

      1. You’re very welcome. I’m a retired, more-than-a-little eccentric English teacher, and when I’m not writing myself, I’m energetically searching for good writers who can teach old dogs new tricks. So, thank you right back.

  9. I love this post it’s amusingly true. One day I got fed up with all of the above on Facebook and decided that was it. One by one family friend or foe I deleted everybody. There was a lot of ‘everybody’s’. I did notice one change, the groups I follow started showing up on my newsfeed which was refreshing. This time around I got my family/ extended family/friends who were like family back on my friend’s list and started fresh. Now I have a decent amount of positive thinking in my newsfeed. Funny but true post.

  10. PREACH omg this may be satire but it’s so true it hurts… especially now, with so many differing beliefs and opinions about politics, pandemic and protests… praying for our country and our world, hoping to be the change I wish to see instead of posting about everyone else needing to shape up. Excellent post.

  11. “Be informed. Fact Check. Use Logic. Understand all sides of an issue before posting. Welcome debate. Take action for what you believe in. Be kind. Let’s try to be better as a society, we owe the world that.”

    Yes – we need more of this. Thanks for encouraging people in a positive direction.

  12. Hey Tony.. this is truly an entertaining piece.. But superb perspective. i shall remember this when I plan on becoming a professional facebook idiot.. and on a more serious note prayers for a peaceful environment over there.

      1. Hello, again, and thanks for your comments on my blog posts. Your emphasis here, a theme that runs through the satire, seems to me to be kindness. I am reminded of something Fred Rogers said, “There are three things you need to do to get along in this world: #1 Be kind; #2 Be kind; #3 Be kind.

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