People Who Prefer Hose Water
You love Waffle House. You always have a pocket knife, but you don’t always have pockets. NASCAR is a six-letter word for paradise.
People Who Prefer Tap Water
You drive a pickup truck. Your doormat reads no pleasure here, only practicality. You could go to that dentist to get your tooth pulled, but Hell, a doorknob, a string, and some XXX whiskey is how John Wayne woulda done it.
People Who Prefer Britta Water
You love parties, so you can bring up the fact that you have a Britta. Your Facebook status shares the gospel of Britta, with a tsunami of capitalized letters and glittering emojis. Your dream is to become a Britta influencer, where you fill your Britta not with water but with envy. Did I mention Britta?
People Who Prefer Bottled Water
You’ve got a bitchin’ 401K. Last year at the holiday party, you watched “crazy” Johnson in accounts payable take his shirt off… no one followed suit. You get a little upset when you see a hose water person at your Target, knowing damn well he should be at Wal-Mart.
People Who Prefer Toilet Water
You have four legs. The mailman is your mortal enemy. You have a debilitating poker problem, yet your family thinks you’re a good boy, naive bastards. The cat is an asshole.
People Who Prefer Smart Water
You’ve gotten a wedgie or twenty. You’re good at Math, but try to hide it (from past wedgie trauma). Those jocks got the girl, but you can make their life a living canker sore with your IT superpowers and mighty belt of slow-internet connections.
People Who Prefer Fancy Glass Water
You drive a Porsche, and the neighborhood knows it. You have a 17th-century manservant named Alfred whom you pay to wipe bum-hole. When the Titanic sank, dooming all the hose-water people, you were saved and ate caviar in the lifeboat with the other aristocratic assholes.
People Who Take Cold Showers
You love hustle porn. You send motivational texts to your coworkers before 8 AM to remind them that you’re up and still better than them. After work, you race home and scream into a mirror, “I’m the best! I’m a winner! I’m the supreme ruler!” before breaking down and crying about being benched on the night of the homecoming game seven years ago.
People Who Prefer Seltzer Water
You have grandkids. Viagra has surpassed cheese as your favorite drug. You relish your age because you can confidently say “no” to invites without explaining yourself.
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