“Can I get just half a slice of prime rib?”

You could feel the buffet line stop.

You’re standing there when you witness the cardinal sin of overeating happen in real time.

A woman — suddenly becoming self-aware mid-buffet — calls out to the prime rib guy, asking for a smaller portion.

Keep in mind, her plate is already overflowing.

Chicken touching fish. Mashed potatoes carrying both gravy and Italian dressing  rivers and 3 other starches.

You curse under your breath.

Usually, people cut back after the buffet.

They go home, loosen their belt in silence, stand in front of the bathroom mirror, and whisper, “Not again.”

But this lady had her breakthrough right there in line.

You take a deep breath, turn,  and stare at the forehead vein pulsing on the man behind you.

It’s twitching.

And you know exactly what he’s thinking.

“Why did you break the unspoken rules of the buffet?”

1. Don’t hold up the line. Read that twice. A buffet line is a fragile ecosystem held together by melted butter, damp carpet, and the quiet belief that you are not the kind of person who normally eats here.
2. You don’t ask for small portions at a buffet. It’s like going to Vegas and spending the weekend at the penny slots. Even if you win, $100 in pennies is carrying home 60lbs in weight.
3. Never make eye contact with the guy carrying only crab legs. He’s no longer operating under normal social contracts. He will kill you.
4. Buffet sushi always inspires optimism in exactly the kind of people optimism routinely punishes.
5. There is always one kid at the buffet with chocolate on his face, no shoes, and the confidence of a Roman emperor. His mother looks like his mother.
6. Nobody has ever believed the words “light ranch.” Or paired it with a “light pouring.”
7. The dessert section is under a light that hasn’t been changed since 1987. Skip it and get the self-serve.
8. At a certain point, you don’t use the serving spoon. You just hope nobody catches you.
9. Every buffet has one tray of food that looks untouched because humanity collectively decided, “No.”
10. The carving station guy has seen things. He doesn’t even blink anymore. You could ask him to carve turkey directly into your mouth and he’d just nod. Tip him.
11. There is always one woman constructing a salad so drenched in toppings it becomes structurally indistinguishable from nachos.
12. At some point, the buffet stops being about hunger and becomes a race against “all you can eat.”
13. Every man says, “I’m just gonna have a little,” right before having a lot.
14. Buffets are the only place where people treat soft-serve ice cream like an engineering challenge.
15. The plate is never big enough because, deep down, Americans believe plate size — not personal restraint — is the issue.
16. Nobody leaves a buffet gracefully. People exit as though they’ve recently survived anesthesia.
17. The butter at a buffet comes in tiny squares because society understands there must be some friction between humans and gluttony.
18. There is always a guy who says, “They lose money on me.” He’s correct.
19. If you leave a buffet feeling healthy, you accidentally went to a wedding reception.
20. If you stand up too fast after the meal, your body takes a screenshot.

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