“Can I get just half a slice of prime rib?”
You could feel the buffet line stop.
You’re standing there when you witness the cardinal sin of overeating happen in real time.
A woman — suddenly becoming self-aware mid-buffet — calls out to the prime rib guy, asking for a smaller portion.
Keep in mind, her plate is already overflowing.
Chicken touching fish. Mashed potatoes carrying both gravy and Italian dressing rivers and 3 other starches.
You curse under your breath.
Usually, people cut back after the buffet.
They go home, loosen their belt in silence, stand in front of the bathroom mirror, and whisper, “Not again.”
But this lady had her breakthrough right there in line.
You take a deep breath, turn, and stare at the forehead vein pulsing on the man behind you.
It’s twitching.
And you know exactly what he’s thinking.
“Why did you break the unspoken rules of the buffet?”
- Don’t hold up the line. Read that twice. A buffet line is a fragile ecosystem held together by melted butter, damp carpet, and the quiet belief that you are not the kind of person who normally eats here.
- You don’t ask for small portions at a buffet. It’s like going to Vegas and spending the weekend at the penny slots. Even if you win, $100 in pennies is carrying home 60lbs in weight.
- Never make eye contact with the guy carrying only crab legs. He’s no longer operating under normal social contracts. He will kill you.
- Buffet sushi always inspires optimism in exactly the kind of people optimism routinely punishes.
- There is always one kid at the buffet with chocolate on his face, no shoes, and the confidence of a Roman emperor. His mother looks like his mother.
- Nobody has ever believed the words “light ranch.” Or paired it with a “light pouring.”
- The dessert section is under a light that hasn’t been changed since 1987. Skip it and get the self-serve.
- At a certain point, you don’t use the serving spoon. You just hope nobody catches you.
- Every buffet has one tray of food that looks untouched because humanity collectively decided, “No.”
- The carving station guy has seen things. He doesn’t even blink anymore. You could ask him to carve turkey directly into your mouth and he’d just nod. Tip him.
- There is always one woman constructing a salad so drenched in toppings it becomes structurally indistinguishable from nachos.
- At some point, the buffet stops being about hunger and becomes a race against “all you can eat.”
- Every man says, “I’m just gonna have a little,” right before having a lot.
- Buffets are the only place where people treat soft-serve ice cream like an engineering challenge.
- The plate is never big enough because, deep down, Americans believe plate size — not personal restraint — is the issue.
- Nobody leaves a buffet gracefully. People exit as though they’ve recently survived anesthesia.
- The butter at a buffet comes in tiny squares because society understands there must be some friction between humans and gluttony.
- There is always a guy who says, “They lose money on me.” He’s correct.
- If you leave a buffet feeling healthy, you accidentally went to a wedding reception.
- If you stand up too fast after the meal, your body takes a screenshot.
Please like, comment, share and tell me what you think. What did I miss?
Follow me on substack here: (3) Tonysbologna | Anthony Robert | Substack
So funny 😂
Thank you so much
!
Excellent lol so true
Thank you so much
So true. Welcome to Vegas. 😂
Hahah I should add, 21. You’ll see an Elvis impersonator. Avoid him.
Personally my favourite part is always watching them try to balance all of those tiny desserts on one little plate and then looking guiltily at the person who serves the cake. 🍰
I enjoyed this post. 😆 Personally, I hate going to buffets. Whenever my husband suggest going to one I instantly start feeling sick.
Hahah wise move! Appreciate you reading!!
LOL Strange that I have more control over what I eat at a buffet than at home. I don’t like the idea of people seeing me pig out.
The world needs more people like you!
LOL
I need to go to buffets everyday. It would be easier for me to stick to my diet.
It be a hell of a lot easier than shopping
I hate these. At a friend’s daughter’s wedding we were called up by table, and ours was one of the last. There were no Yorkshire puddings left, and two very large women on the table before us had 3 each on their plates. My thoughts weren’t pleasant. It’s always like that though; some people feel the need to pig out, and I find it sickening.
It’s always burning when you watch the last of what you want being taken away – good writing fodder!
#11 that’s me… hand over the toppings keep the lettuce to a minimum. 1/2 Prime rib? Heresy I tell ya.
I was floored (clearly)
I started to copy the one line I thought would be _the_ shining example of human depravity but I’d have to copy your whole list. ALL OF IT IS TRUE. o_O (And we all know because we’ve been there.)
Though buffets are clearly a bit different in America (we never have self-serve ice-cream in Australia) the sentiments are spot on. People turn into pigs at buffets, acting as if this is their last meal.
this line is awesome – A buffet line is a fragile ecosystem held together by melted butter, damp carpet, and the quiet belief that you are not the kind of person who normally eats here
Ahhh so happy you enjoyed it!!
I must be a horrible person to be at a buffet then, because I only know so few of these rules 😂
This was a fun read!
So happy you enjoyed!! It’s ok – it’s probably a good thing you don’t
I didn’t think I would relate to this post. By line 3 I had travelled back in time to over fifteen years ago when I was last at this kind of buffet. Your writing is both transporting and hilarious! Makes me a bit peckish for some of that soft-serve, though, ngl.
(Also, why is the line “His mother looks like his mother” such an accurate burn? XD)
Hahaha I don’t know – it just came in! Thank you so much – made my day!
Can’t say I haven’t been there, but those were the good old days! Thanks for the flashback, though. So funny!
Thank you so so much! Memory lane is fun!
I think so too!!☺️
😁😁😎
😎😎😎
Well observed, and all reasons why I run from buffets as fast as my fat feet will take me.
Hahah I’m right behind you my friend!
I don’t understand all of this, Tony cos i’m not from the USA – but i recognise enough to have had a good giggle!
Haha. Love this! You are right, we Americans must have a challenge to gluttony, lest we sit on toilets while we eat—a la Ancient Rome style. When I was a kid, I used to get a mountain of mashed potatoes and peperoni. I still probably would, but I haven’t been to a buffet in a very long time. I’m honestly afraid to go back. I’m not afraid of my own choices; I have a healthy fear of what other people do to the food.
Hahah I think that’s healthy too!
Hell yes Tony!! 🍔🍔🍔🍔
So happy you enjoyed!!
(GASP!) Chicken….touching…..fish? You dare, sir!
Seriously, one of my yucks of the buffet experience is when someone at your table uses the same plate the turkey, gravy, and dressing once graced…for a dessert plate. Not judging, just exposing one of my silly “thou shalt nots.” 🙂 Imagine, atoms touching atoms!!! What will become of the universe????
Hahah yeah – i personally couldn’t take the mixing! What will become of the universe??
These need to be published at every buffet!!! 😊😁
I’m down, got a printer?
She should have doubled down. Own it. More on the plate. Go big or go home.
Damn right!
Loved this! Simple buffet manners make a big difference. Thanks for the helpful tips!
Thank you!!
All so true. One of my favorite movie scenes is Cousin Eddie at the Vegas buffet — “I’ll have some of the yella — and don’t get cheap on me!” After over 40 years of going to buffets in Reno and Vegas, we’ve seen it all. We once watched a woman bring 3 loaded plates (at the same time), and plowed through all of them, then sitting back with a satisfied sigh, lighting a cigarette. Or the guy on a cruise who had 2 plates of nothing but bacon.
Ha! Love all of them. The one about the kid though with the confidence of the Roman emperor—and his mother looks like his mother—so good!