The Person Who’s Way Too Into It
They woke up in red, white, and blue bedsheets and wiped their ass with Star-Spangled toilet paper.
They showered and emerged from the bathroom in a beer-soaked headband, American flag shorts, and a tank top with a screaming eagle on it.
Their vibe is equal parts patriot, equal parts energy drink.
They’ve never voted in a midterm election and couldn’t name a single Supreme Court justice, but today, they are America—at least the social media-branded version of it. By sundown, they’re chanting “USA! USA!” while shotgunning a warm Coors. By tomorrow? They won’t remember why.
The Firework King
He’s named Duane or Earl, or maybe Randy—but never all three—and today is his Super Bowl. He shows up to the party shirtless, hopeful, and grinning, wearing cargo shorts and lugging a box of fireworks with names like Thrust Monkey and B-52 Cherry Bomber.
He’s already lost a few fingers, and no one’s seen his eyebrows since 2017, but he’s not concerned. He knows exactly what he’s doing: standing ten feet too close, lighting the fuse with a lit cigarette, and trying the damndest to set the sky on fire.
He’s dangerous. He’s unpredictable. And he’s the guy who spent $700 so you wouldn’t have to.
The Planner
They’re the unsung hero. The clipboard commander. The reason you’re not currently eating salsa out of a Frisbee. You’ll find them checking coolers, refilling napkins, and quietly panicking about the folding chair shortage.
They don’t enjoy the party so much as project-manage it. While you’re relaxing, they’re doing mental math about hot dog-to-bun ratios. They’d love to sit down. But someone has to stress-eat coleslaw while arranging a condiment station with military precision.
The Guy Who Grills Like It’s a Personality
This man hasn’t made eye contact with another human since the charcoal ignited—nor has he smiled. His apron says “License to Grill,” and he interprets it more like “License to Kill.”
He doesn’t just cook—he crafts. His burgers are “not ready” until he says they’re ready, and he will take offense if you ask for yours well done. When the grilling’s over, he drives home in silence, thinking he should’ve gone heavier on the paprika.
The Man Explaining What 1776 Really Means
He finds you. You weren’t looking for him, but he finds you. He’s got a drink in one hand and the Constitution in the other—metaphorically, but just barely.
He uses phrases like “Founding Principles” and “the tyranny of monarchy” while you’re just trying to see if Joey Chestnut chokes on a hot dog. Whenever he starts talking, you suddenly remember you promised the planner you’d help with the chairs.
The Couple Passive-Aggressively Fighting Over the Cooler
They arrived in matching shirts that say Party Like It’s 1776, which—ironically—is exactly what they’re not doing. You can sense the tension before you even see them. Something about the way she’s stabbing potato salad onto plates, and the way he’s been “getting ice” for the past 40 minutes.
Their argument is quiet. Surgical. Surgical like a scalpel, not like a skilled surgeon.
“Did you pack the drinks?”
“You said you were bringing them.”
“I said I could, not that I would.”
A smile never leaves their faces, but the energy is less cookout and more custody mediation. At some point, he loudly offers to “just go back to the store,” while she reassures the group that “everything’s fine.”
It is not. But they’ll spend the entire day pretending it is—for America.
Happy 4TH! Please, like, comment, share, and tell me what you think. Who am I missing?
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR YOUR SUPPORT! My new book, Letters From Jasper, is out. If you’re looking for a funny and sad read that will make you laugh and cry – please check it out: Amazon.com: Letters From Jasper eBook : Winn, Anthony: Kindle Store
SIgn up for my substack here: Tonysbologna | Anthony Robert | Substack
This was hilarious and well written!
Thank you so very much! Happy 4th!
The imagery I just experienced reading this was amazing. Very well written:)
Thank you so so much! Happy 4th! This was awesome reading this!
This is so funny, and I don’t think you missed anyone! LOL Thanks for starting my day out the right way.
No worries at all! I really appreciate you reading and commenting – thank you so much!
hilarious, loved it
Thank you so much!!
My pleasure, I enjoy your writings.
Thank you so much!!
Well shared. Happy 4th July 🎉
Great job of nailing the basic types. There is a subspecies you may have missed. It’s the Here,hold my beer bros.
Ohhhhhhhhhh those make my skin crawl
They do have their groupies, even if they do not include us.
So true … I hate that that phrase stuck
Where do you fit in? I fit in hiding with Mike trying to read a good novel in the back bedroom with the pug barking at every firecracker.
Hahaha I’m in the next room -holding my cat who’s freaking out, while peaking out the window wishing I could see the fireworks.
I am with you!
I love this summary. I’d enjoy all of them.
Me too!
Brilliant Tony … this is so funny, and a bit of adaptation and it works elsewhere too.
Happy 4th when it comes. I hope you have a great time.
Ive also downloaded an ecosystem of your book
Thank you so much! I really really hope you enjoy / you’ve been a huge help in my writing process and I’d love to know your thoughts when you’re done.
If you ever have any books you want me to read, just send them I’ll buy and leave a review
Thanks Tony, working on refining a couple of short stories over the summer break
LOL I think you can find people like that at any summer get-together.
So descriptive and realistic makes me never want to leave the serenity of my house or attend another 4th of July event in my life🧨
Hahah thank you so much!! I’m a homebody too – and you know what? There’s no place like home!
OMG, I had a 4th party like that! Not only did Randy set off fireworks, he handed bottle rockets to Earl so they could shoot at each other with them. Almost burned down the block! 😂
spot on…you left out the couple that brings their bratty kids and expects everyone else to watch them while they pound beers and play cornhole
Hahahah so damn true
Excellent as always. You forgot the poor schlumps like me: enjoying the fireworks for how pretty they are and trying my best to ignore the chaos. Happy 4th of July!
Funny. Lovely vibes. Happy Fourth of July 🇺🇸 👏🏽
Happy 4th!
Love it! Your descriptons suit every one of my family members. They are the reason we celebrate indoors, with air conditioning, and taking turns with the remote control. Looking for you now on Substack.
Thank you so much!!
I love your insight and humor.
Great fun! You missed out the sad guy who couldn’t give a duck! But perhaps they don’t exist in America?
Oh they’re there
loved it!
I just caught this, but it is so spot-on! We have so many neighbors shooting off fireworks all night long despite the fact that a block away is the city’s firework spectacular fireworks display. I doubt you missed anyone except the one who decides the No Parking signs weren’t meant to actually mean that on the Fourth so they can park there (and heaven forbid if a ticket it issued!). ~Nan