I’m The Hapless Hollywood Security Guard


And don’t try anything funny

Hey there kids, if you think you’re gonna sneak past me and see that big honking Hollywood exec, forget about it; I’ll…

 Oh, is that a butterfly?

Wow! A real-life monarch? Would you look at that baby fly? Wow! I haven’t seen one of those in YEARS! Come here, little butterfly; I’ll get you outside.

Hey sonny, reach into that desk and hand me my net.

Yes- there’s a net in my desk. No, I don’t know how it fits. Yes, it’s modeled after the SpongeBob Jellyfish catcher. — That’s standard security stuff.

Come on, hand it over; I need to catch her before she gets hurt.

Because clearly, she’s a she.

The colors! That’s how I know.

And no — hallways ARE dangerous, that’s why they hire me — I keep them straightened out.


There you go, now to set you free. Outta my way.

*Wipes hands* — nothing like a job well done.

Hey, where did your other friend go?

Anyways, like I was saying, you won’t get past me. I’m the meanest, toughest guard on the force – I once… wait- what’s that smell? Are those doughnuts?

*Mouth waters*

I haven’t had a doughnut in years… Doc’ said they weren’t good for my ticker.

They’re fresh, you say? How fresh?


Please don’t tell me they’re powdered.

Oh no, they’re powdered.

*Bites knuckle*

No, I’m not moaning; that’s just… the fan.

It’s invisible ok? It’s high-tech stuff I’m dealing with here, kid. High-tech-stuff. You wouldn’t understand.

Get those away from me…well, maybe one won’t hurt. One CAN’T hurt, can it?

Yeah, that hits the spot — I’m glad you showed up.

Might have one more and hit several spots. What do you think about that? Several spots are better than one teeny-tiny spot, right?

Ahh, what the Hell do you know?

*Immediately devours doughnuts*

Hey sonny, you got any milk in there? You can’t give a guy a doughnut and not offer him milk. That’s illegal.

Just kidding- or am I?

No, I didn’t wink. That’s just a… a bug in my eye. From that butterfly. The butterfly laid eggs in my eye.

No, I’m not gonna see a doctor. Anyway, thanks’ pal — I needed that.

Oh — — oh, where did your friend go?

Like I said, you really can’t be back here without an appointment. They’ll boil you alive if they catch you. 

Hold on — watch out, there’s an oddly shaped 8 foot 6 guy wearing a trench coat with a taped-on mustache behind you.

Yeah — of course, I’m that specific; I’m a security guard. I notice stuff.

Pipe down–please give me and the trench coat some privacy.

Yes, sir, what business do you have?

Just business, you say. Yeah, that checks out — they do business here.

And hey- I’m no doctor, but you may want to see a chiropractor- it looks like you got two nasty bumps and two sets of eyeballs growing out of your chest .— You might need to get that checked out before it gets infected.

If you want, I know a guy — he’s a magician, and he worked his magic on me.

Oh yeah — if you think I look good now, you should have seen me before. I was like the bottom of your size 6 shoes.

Ok, ok, just offering — go on through.

Alright — kid, you see, if you want to get past me, you really, really need an appointment — now make like your other friends and leave.

Hold on, how do I look?

Hubba, Hubba, Hubba.

Kid, pipe down; there’s an absolute bombshell coming. Hand me that handkerchief.

Hey miss, how may I help you?

Am I single? Well, there’s one of me right here. So…

No, that’s not a wedding ring. It’s a ring meant to look like a wedding ring. A common mistake, I know. 

You know this uniform is like sugar to flies; I just wear it to…

No, I’m not blushing; it’s rosacea. It’s hell living with it. Sorry didn’t mean to swear in front of such a beautiful creature.

Sorry, lady. Beautiful lady.

Yeah, if you have an appointment, just sign in right here… What are you doing with that finger?

Don’t stop.

I have never had my chin scratched before, but my oh my, does it ever feel good. No, I’m not levitating; it just appears that I am.

We’re in Hollywood, baby- it’s magic. I can’t tell you all the secrets.

Can I get your num — ahh, she’s gone.

Damnit — Cinderella is off to her ball again.

Ok, where were we, you see, kid — you really should be leaving.

Hey — where did everyone go?

Please like, comment, share and tell me what you think! I was experimenting with a one-sided conversation, I don’t know if that came though,

14 thoughts on “I’m The Hapless Hollywood Security Guard

      1. What can I say – different – you have one wild imagination. But hey, it was enjoyable and that’s what counts. Thanks for sharing.

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