The Unexpected Chaos of Owning a Bird Feeder

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It all starts with a seemingly innocent decision. Somewhere in your thirties, for some unfathomable reason, you decide to buy a bird feeder.

You never planned for this. After all, who wakes up one-day thinking, “I’m gonna be a bird person now!” Yet, there it is, in your hands at the cash register, as if it’s a voodoo doll dictating your life’s path.

Little do you know that this innocent purchase will set off a chain reaction that ripples throughout humanity.

It begins with the birds, as one would expect. After all, it’s a bird feeder. One bird leads to two, and before you know it, your bird feeder is hosting a feathery Woodstock complete with Pigeons, Parrots, and poop.

Then, a squirrel and his nuts catch a glimpse of the party and gets a nutty idea: “Hey, I want in on that!” And just like that, your bird feeder turns into a squirrel circus. Squirrels from all around, jump on your bird feeder as if it were a trapeze and send seeds scattering right into a mouse.

A seed bounces off the mouse’s head as if to say — It’s your lucky day. Because when food bounces off your head, it’s lucky, even if you’re just a mouse. Mice swarm the free meal, causing you to look for a piper… only to learn that COVID and the music industry took his business out.

The ripple rolls on. As the bird feeder becomes an all-you-can-eat buffet, a neighborhood cat spots the smorgasbord of prey. Birds, Mice, and squirrels — it’s everything the cat desires, except for world domination. With hair standing on her back, the cat leaps into the fray.

Down the road, Man’s best friend is on a walk when he sees the unthinkable. A cat catching a squirrel. This is a barking matter. With the ferocity of a canine crusader, he breaks free of his leash and charges into the feast with one goal — stop the cat.

With dogs and cats now battling it out, the pet owners find themselves pulled into the chaos, desperately trying to avoid being sued. “Petey, Stop! Petey, Sit down!” They scream as the pile continues to grow, kicking dirt up higher and higher.

Now, with the entire neighborhood searching for their animals in a birdseed tornado, the government decides enough is enough. If nobody is home, who in the hell is going to pay our taxes? They jump into the scuffle, hands feeling for pennies in their pockets.

By now, the pile is so big and bizarre, with clouds climbing into the sky, aliens come to observe what’s going on with their Earthly experiment. They jump in, too, trying to get to the bottom of this.

And then it happens.

The seeds run out.

The birds return to their nests; they have much to tweet about.

The squirrels go back to guarding their nuts; after all, you never know when you need a good nut.

The mice scurry off into your home because, yes, Mice live in your home.

The moody cats leave, but they were going to do it anyway.

The dogs raise their eyebrows, accept the blame, and return to their masters, who melt in sympathy, certain that they have the best dogs in the world.

And with the people and their pets heading home, the government decides to leave, too. They can tax the people the old-fashioned way.

And with the chaos settled, the aliens fly home, once again puzzled by humanity’s strange antics.

All because you bought a bird feeder.

Please, like, comment, share and tell me what you think.

Please, like, comment, share and tell me what you think.

66 thoughts on “The Unexpected Chaos of Owning a Bird Feeder

  1. I am a bird feeder, rather I have bird feeders and fill them year round and enjoy the birds of various kinds who visit regularly and who have nests nearby. I have not had the burden of squirrels or cats although a mouse tunneled under the garden wall to retrieve spilled seeds. Live and let live or eliminate to prevent more mice from deciding to move closer and find a place to call home too close?
    I am also a bird watcher out on the trail, used to keep a life list but am not a member of the Audubon society. I have some favorite birds because they are colorful, have a great repertoire of songs, and like some of us, migrate according to the seasons. So, there you have it from one of many thousands of us bird watchers and feeders. I am not one of the fanatics who reguarly carry binoculars and 500mm lenses although I admire their devotion to their pursuits.

    1. Some of the birds are really cool – it’s hard to believe how big they get. I always get excited when I see a big bird – they’re fun. Thank you so much for reading!

    1. Pretty cool. I love your imagination. The way you told this story, I just had to read to the end to see your finish.

      Well done!

  2. The next chapter tells the story of an increasing number of feeders, fat balls, water bowls, birds, and followers on. Then the alien plants start to show below the feeders and the police start to show an interest. Pigeons start to outnumber all others and trample all your wife’s favourite flowers. Individual species start to demand specific types of seed as they have a wheat intolerance. All birds find it very convenient to wipe their bottoms on the washing hanging on the line. Kamikaze birds, in increasing numbers, leave their impressions on the windows! All feeders are disposed of.

      1. It’s difficult to know whether we are helping nature or hindering it by feeding wildlife, altering habitats, providing nest boxes etc!

      2. I got back and fourth too – as humans I feel like we should help out – but we also don’t want to make things dependent on us – it’s a balance

  3. Brilliant. I was visiting my Mother in Law’s house recently. She’s been in hospital for a couple of months and I noticed her bird feeder was empty … glad I decided not to refill it now

  4. I am now a person that sits outside at the end of the day. On a glider. Just signs my life is over. No bird feeder. I don’t need that drama.

  5. Your writing style is a pleasure to read, made me chuckle. What you’ve got going is exactly what I want to have someday, you’ve inspired me!

  6. We don’t have a bird feeder per se, but every morning we put birdseed in one spot, and unsalted peanuts on the patio table for the squirrels. Often I look out to see the squirrels eating the birdseed and the birds flying off with a peanut in their beak! They seem contented enough to ‘share’ in this way! But then, last month we planted our flower seeds in the front yard and both birds and squirrels dug them up and ate them!!! Ingrates! We fed them all winter, and now they won’t let us have some colour in our lives … colourful flowers that would help sustain the bees, I might add! Ain’t nature grand? 🤗

      1. Agreed … nature’s balance! Still, I’d rather have squirrels, bunnies and birds getting the benefit than humans mowing and using chemicals to kill flowers, plants, and trees. A few years ago, our sunflowers were just starting to come up … about 4-5 inches high at the time, and the lawn company that takes care of the landscaping here at our apartment complex came along and chopped them all down with a weed whacker! I was so furious … you should have seen me confront them in the middle of the street … me barefoot and cussing like a sailor!

  7. This is a brilliant post, I read something I enjoyed after a long time. Funny thing right, all of the world’s chaos is controlled through the unsuspecting purchase of a bird feeder. Yeah , plus we have all been there, there is a mandatory need to have a bird sanctuary atleast a fantasy at some point in every one’s life.😀

  8. Ah, those birds and other animals. It’s fun for the first day, when just a few birds are coming, but like you mentioned, suddenly there is a squirrel hanging upside down trying to get food and breaking the bird feeder. It’s an amazing frenzy to watch. THEN, so true, food is gone — it’s peaceful again. It is fun to see the birds. Not sure the solution… because squirrels can really jump no matter where we move the bird feeder.

  9. I went on wild forays of taking pictures of birds in the wild, and what I found is that while I became well versed in what birds I saw… and the interesting things they do… I was just finding an excuse to tramp through the bush alone and enjoy solitude with a camera as an excuse.

    My father, on the other hand, fed the birds for different reasons. He had this hanging contraption he swiveled over a public road, full of bananas, in the hope that birds would poo on passing cars.

    Maybe it’s a matter of degree of misanthropy. 🙂

  10. It’s a quite true phenomenon—I bought a bird feeder in my mid thirties. Haven’t gotten quite as much action as your bird feeder.🤣 The seed falls into my flower beds, too, which is annoying. It’s been super windy here lately, so I took it down. Maybe in another post, you can give tips on how to get more birds to stop by.🦜

  11. The underlying truth is unreal.
    Also in my 30’s, during Covid, I decided we needed a “Nut Saloon”. The drama of our backyard is quite entertaining until the food runs out.

  12. It’s a slippery slope to addiction. You start small and before you know it you’re buying mealworms for bluebirds, suet nuggets tor woodpeckers and oranges for orioles. If I could claim all the birds we feed on our taxes life would be sweet.

  13. This is one of the most enjoyable posts I have read in awhile! Oh, how I can relate to the squirrels and the bird feeder. I have some of the coolest picture of the squirrel I named the Acrobat. What a hoot and a mess they can all be!

    Thank you for visiting Catnip of Life with a Like! Otherwise, I may not have found you and brought this day to such a comical close. Looking forward to perusing your blog:-)

  14. Ha. You made me reconsider putting up another birdhouse. Maybe I’ll just watch the bees instead ☺️

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