Are you a large, bearded, hairy man with a penchant for the color red?

We want to hear from you.

About the job:

This job is sweeter than cookies and milk. Do you enjoy sitting on the couch, binge-watching reality TV but deep down, you’re dreaming of becoming something more? Well, here’s your invitation to step into the spotlight and become America’s biggest star: Mall Santa.

Get read to catch the drama of mothers tossing tantrum-throwing toddlers right onto your lap. Enjoy the thrill of granting wishes without lifting a finger (or even remembering them later!) Experience the sheer joy of watching children’s belief in magic erode with every expectation-failing interaction. And be wowed in wonder as your hope for humanity dwindles, one disappointing interaction at a time. This job gives the best parts of parenthood, without the price of parenthood. Cha-ching!

So what’s the ask?

So what’s the ask? Be the man in red. Let spoiled kids perch on your lap and make dictator-like-demands. Just think, you might already have experience doing this.

 Pretend you’re at home and your kid is interrupting your show right when you get to the fu*kin good part. And instead of waiting for your show to finish, they demand the remote, and you begrudgingly grant them their wish. See, you’re practically a pro. Just snap a few photos after their demands, and you’re done.

A few musts…

Must be jovial & jolly. You like to laugh — even when the joke falls flatter than a pancake. If your spirit has been hardened by years of going through the motions of social niceties, and you can still keep a smile on your face (albeit restrained), you may be a good fit.

Need to have a beard. No goatee, fu-man-chus, or that weird French mustache & beard musketeer combo. You must look like you never knew a razor. Like you were cast away for years and years on a deep and forgotten island somewhere in the Pacific. The bottom line: The longer the beard, the fatter the paycheck.

Must be bursting at the seams. In this job, we want you to have a little… scratch that — lotta extra cushion. If you’re the type to sneak a bite or two off your spouse’s plate when they turn their back, we love your ambition.

Serious inquiries only— no alcohol, drugs, or thoughts of anything not merry. Being Santa is a solemn business and not for the crass at heart.

Send your headshots & body shots to 899 North Pole, Suburbia, Pennsylvania 41293 and apply to join the merry madness today!

P.S. If you have any short friends who like the color green… we’ll reward you with extra green in a referral bonus.

Have a Merry Christmas, a happy holiday and a joyus New Year!

Please like comment share and tell me what you think. What else should be on the application?