Have you ever wondered why some people are so self-assured?
Or envious of how some people are easily at peace with themselves?
Well, the answer is simple: they have self-respect.
I have a friend, let’s call him… Joe, who struggles with self-respect. If you were to speak with Joe, you might appreciate his on-the-surface enthusiasm, but if you pay attention, you’d notice how it’s often underscored with self-deprecating jokes, second guesses, and the general undercurrent of doubt.
He doesn’t like himself. Which, to me, is crazy. Because if you actually knew Joe, you’d probably think he’s a pretty interesting cat.
He has his pilot’s license, rides motorcycles all across Asia, volunteers at hospitals, and has even taught English as a second language to children all over the world. He’s basically a movie character… the kind a cynical person might even hate because they do so much good.
Yet whenever Joe thinks about himself, you can hear the disappointment in his voice. In other words, despite the concrete proof that he’s brought so much good into the world, he doesn’t have self-respect.
What is Self-Respect?
Self-respect is simply a question of how much you respect yourself. Are you proud of the person you are? Do you respect the person you are. Do you admire what you do? If you do, that’s called self-respect.
You see, self-respect is all a matter of comparing who you are in the present moment with your potential in every moment. Are you living your life and making decisions in a manner you respect? Or are you not? And if you fall way short of your potential in every situation, then, of course, you won’t respect yourself. How could you? You know you can do better; that’s why you’re unsatisfied.
Building Self-Respect
So, how does one build long-lasting self-respect? Well, knowing the definition, the answer becomes crystal clear — it’s a matter of living your life in a way you respect.
It’s all about doing the things you know you should do in situations and less of the things that bring you immediate comfort. You see, self-respect shows up more so in little ways and not so much in those grand big goals.
Do you let dirty dishes collect in the sink, or do you clean them right then and there?
Do you fold your laundry right away, or do you let it collect wrinkles tangled up in the hamper?
Are you sharing the very best version of yourself with your spouse, or are you giving them the leftovers?
Self-respect is the sum total of the million micro-decisions you make daily that lead to you being you. If you end up making the decisions that you respect, by nature, you’ll respect yourself. If you don’t, you won’t. It’s that simple; it’s that honest.
Joe’s Problem
The problem with Joe is he wasn’t living a life he respected. No matter what he did, he couldn’t help but find himself falling short of the person he admired. Perhaps he was keenly aware of all that he can do and found himself falling short not making decisions he respected.
Sure, his highlight reel, I believe, trumps others (especially mine), not that you should compare, but Joe’s unhappy because he knows he’s leaving a lot on the table.
For example, Joe will talk about how he wants to start waking up early, but he sleeps in late. He talks about how he wants to get back into shape, yet he doesn’t go to the gym. He’ll talk about writing a book but never picks up a pen.
And I don’t say this to judge — lord knows I fall short too, but I say this to illustrate a point. This is how a lack of self-respect shows up. The problem is, the more you make decisions you don’t respect, the more it robs you of self-confidence.
Full Circle
Well, I have good news in the case of Joe. He has self-respect now, boundless quantities of it.
He essentially “woke up” and decided to start living life on his terms, and the results were near instantaneous. More importantly, he’s happy and as his friend, that’s what’s most important to me.
So, how did he turn it around? Well, he started living his life congruently with the intentions he had. He made small daily decisions he respected that built up into a large life he respects. And if he can do that, you can do it too.
It’s simple: self-respect boils down to living a life you respect. If you want self-respect, then you need to live the life you respect.
That’s it. That’s the secret sauce.
Please like, comment, share, and tell me what you think. Do you agree?
Keep going Joe
Indeed!
Very true.
Thank you so much for reading
Go Joe!
I agree. To me, it’s about setting achievable goals, not matter how small, and self motivation: Discipline. it becomes routine after a while.
1oo%
This really spoke to me Tony Bologna. The leaving it on the table. Not getting stuff done that is a goal. You are more than just baloney. Making me think….
Thank you so much! This made my day. I am more than more baloney. However I will never turn down bologna
This is a great story and I’m glad it worked out for Joe. I do believe that you need to be kind to yourself. Stumble, fall and make mistakes. Then get up dust it off and move on.
Thank you and I 100 percent agree! We all struggle with showing ourselves love
Thank you for sharing!
Pleasure is all mine
If Joe can then everyone can, thank you Sir for sharing this and thank you Joe for the encouragement 🌻
So very true
Great read.
thank you! I really appreciate it
i couldn’t be more agree. if you want it earn it
Absolutely! Thank you for reading
I love the advice but my Joe is someone with such an inflated ego, that he might believe himself to have greater potential than he actually does, so he’s very hard on himself when his goals are not achieved. He strives to be better than he was yesterday but sometimes it feels like he’s overreaching, aiming “too high” or/and “too far.” I’m sometimes not sure what to tell him when he beats himself for not achieving something j he wanted.
Ahh I understand – maybe – “good things take time” something along those lines and the “journey is the reward” just a few thoughts
Really enjoyed this – thanks for writing it!
Good for Joe, and anyone who can manage “liking” themselves or having self-respect. But it’s just not that easy for many of us.
“Deciding” to do all those things I *know* I should do is next to impossible, and missing the goals yet again only make me feel that much worse. Part of it is having been constantly told as a child that I wasn’t good enough, that whenever something went wrong it was my fault, etc., but even being aware of that now doesn’t mean I can move past it.
Then there’s the neuro issues many of us face, such as ADHD:
https://www.additudemag.com/self-criticism-shame-in-adults-with-adhd/
All the best to you –
Right it’s not a switch you flip it’s just little steps in the right direction that add up. I think we all struggle with doubt, the key is to not let it define us – even if it feels weird at first!
Thank you for reading!
When we feel good about ourselves, we project that to the world. Yet, all of us face internal struggles of some kind.
Very true on both accounts
Very helpful insight . Thanks for sharing this wonderful piece !
Nice post, thanks for sharing
Thanks! And thanks for reading!
Its an interesting story, sometimes I find myself having the illusions in my mind like one minute I’m motivated to do something but says men tomorrow I will do it. From this it’s an eye opener
So happy you enjoyed thank you for reading!
wow!