“This Toilet Can Flush Golf Balls.”
That’s what the box said.
Not easy installation. Not saves water. Not clog-free guarantee. But golf balls.
Plural.
And the moment I read it, I knew I was in for a long, miserable night.
It’s 7 PM on a Tuesday, and I’m at Home Depot. Not because I want to be—no one wants to be at Home Depot at 7 PM on a Tuesday—but because I did the impossibly stupid: I flushed my fiancée’s glasses and broke our damn toilet.
This wasn’t the “oops, better grab the plunger” type of situation. No. This was a full-blown, unscrew-the-bolted-toilet-from-the-ground-and-hope-you-don’t-have-to-call-a-professional kind of problem.
The kind of problem that requires courage, YouTube videos, and probably a tetanus shot.
The whole situation felt as ridiculous as the clog itself.
Earlier that day, my fiancée texted me:
“Did you clog the toilet?”
“Which one?”
“The upstairs one.”
I felt a wave of relief wash over me. That’s not the place where I do business. Admittedly, I’ve been eating a lot of beans lately, and there were some close calls, but the basement bathroom was my battleground, so this wasn’t me.
“Nope!” I replied after a giggle or two. “I’ll figure it out when I get home from work.”
Hours later, this was all a distant memory—until I’m sitting in front of the TV and got this gem:
“I’m missing my glasses. The last place I saw them was in the bathroom.”
And that’s when my world stopped spinning.
That morning, I’d seen something dark and ominous in the bowl, and in my half-asleep haze, I flushed without a second thought. I mean, really, who wakes up and gazes into the abyss?
As all the dots fully connected, I realized what happened. Our cat climbed the shelf and knocked her glasses into the toilet, and I was the idiot who flushed them.
My hand instantly goes into the hole. It’s disgusting and, unfortunately, smooth.
Which means one thing:
They’re gone…
Fuck.
After washing my hands for what feels like an hour, I whip out my phone.
“How to unclog something you flushed.” Which, apparently, is a popular topic. And a short 5-minute video later, I quickly see I need to unbolt this bastard.
Just what everyone wants to do when they get home from work, right?
Unfortunately, the bolts need a 2-inch, 8-point star bit. The one bit I don’t own out of the 77-piece set I bought to feel like an adult.
So here I am, wandering the fluorescent aisles of Home Depot, feeling an oil-to-water mix between a homeowner and a failure, when I stumble upon the box for my make of toilet.
“This Toilet Can Flush Golf Balls.”
I stare at the box and my mind races. Many thoughts, many angles pour into my mind:
- Golf balls. Plural. Not singular. Why would a toilet need to flush golf balls? Can you imagine the sales guy? Hey buddy, you see this toilet here… it can flush golf balls, as he nods and sips his whiskey looking like a proud bastard.
- Wow, this toilet can flush golf balls… that means… it’ll never clog. Cue visions of dark water rising from the past toilets I’ve had.
- Oh no… her glasses are probably gone forever… this fuckin’ thing can flush golf balls. Who the hell needs a toilet that can flush golf balls?!
- In their product research, they must have hundreds of people saying, “My poop is bigger than golf balls.” There are no random words in marketing copy.
- I’m such a fuckin’ idiot.
I shake it off and proceed with the mission.
Buy the bit.
I grab the star bit after sifting through enough options to rebuild the Space Shuttle, while my fiancée reminds me— over and over—that I flushed her glasses. I felt like an idiot before, but there’s something uniquely humbling about being yelled at in the power tool aisle.
Finally, I’m home. It’s just me and the toilet now—a showdown for the ages. I quickly skim a YouTube tutorial that makes it look manageable—simple, even.
I even smugly think, “If a plumber can do it, so can I.”
As if providing water to a thirsty world was such an easy endeavor.
The bolts come off easily, and two screws later, I feel like a genius. Until…
The toilet tips to the side, and water gushes out all over the floor. I debate whether I’ll ever feel clean again. But in the misery, there’s a piece of dark hope:
A pair of glasses. Miraculously spared by the toilet designed to flush golf balls.
I hold them up like a trophy.
Triumph.
Redemption.
And then I remember: I still have to put the toilet back together.
And clean the house.
Fuck.
Unfortunately, this is a true story. Please like, comment, share, and tell me what you think! What have you flushed?
That sound catastrophic, you can really see that chaos
It was haha! Thank you for reading
No wonder people come up with such imaginations
“Hi! Amazing content! We are EP Ka Meter Films, storytellers and creators specializing in zero-budget filmmaking, creative storytelling, and professional post-production services. We craft compelling short films, music videos, and documentaries, bringing ideas to life with expert editing, color grading, and visual effects. Dive into filmmaking tips, insights on independent cinema, and innovative ideas to enhance your storytelling. Let’s connect and create impactful stories together! Check us out here: EP Ka Meter Films.”
https://youtube.com/@epkameterfilms
Thanks EP! What did you have in mind?
It is really crazy to here it. Looking forward to checking out.
Love it! Not me, but my sons did it all. I remember one summer day, husband sitting on the back step trying to wrestle a four inch metal sports car out of the neck of our one and only toilet – while I put the finishing touches on a meal meant for the twenty or so guests we were expecting any moment. Good Times! 🙄
Hahah the moments that make us smile
My takeaway: remember to put down the toilet seat AND THE LID. It ain’t closed ’til it’s closed.
wise words my friend, wise words
😅😅😅
Thank you so much!
Wow! Haha! This is comedy for the ages. Don’t tell me its real…..dude good luck and enjoy yourself don’t be so hard on yourself lol.
Thank you so much? It unfortunately was real
Hahaha We’ve had similar thing happen here. We bought a snake for our drill to fish stuff out easier… toddlers… you know… ;-D
hahah but of course 😉
Feeling in a fogged state of sickness blues, I read your blog–I laughed and laughed, not at you but at how you write about such a calamity and the final rescue. Thank you, and may it never happen again!
So happy to help!! I think this is a lesson learned – hope you feel better
I shared it with a friend also. She completely understood the tribulations of dealing with the unexpected household calamity! she loved your story! thank you again
No, thank you! It means the world that you shared it
Husband and I are laughing, remembering the time our youngest flushed a toothbrush which requires the purchase of a new toilet because that thing was NOT going to come out. We bought him a new toothbrush because we are a lot of things, but we are not barbarians.
Hahah yeah I’d make the same all
Call** thank you for reading
Yeah, SOOOOO . . . I wouldn’t want those glasses again. Not at all. I’m pretty anal retentive and I wouldn’t be able to wear those glasses without thinking where they’ve been and nearly puking every time I think about it.
And this part:
“Unfortunately, the bolts need a 2-inch, 8-point star bit. The one bit I don’t own out of the 77-piece set I bought to feel like an adult.”
ALL THOSE TOOLS! 🤣😆😂 and not the bit you need! Lawd, help!
Let’s just say those glasses ended up in the trash haha – it was one of those days!
Totally understandable! 🤣😆😂
Fortunately I’ve never managed to flush anything that shouldn’t be flushed – and I managed to stop laughing long enough to type this. Sorry. 🙂
Hahah so happy you enjoyed!
So sorry you didn’t. 😂😂😂
Just too funny! Thank you for giving me a laugh before bed (I’m on UK time). My life is too mundane. Nothing too exciting to report in terms of flushing other than…
Hahah so happy to hear!
I’m not sure I would put toilet glasses anywhere near my face or eyes. Could you offer to pay for a new pair of glasses?
Hilarious haha
OMG, horror of horrors! Glad you got them back!! LOL.
It was fight worth fighting
Im having to re-do concrete at the base of my toilet. I would trade you.
Yeah… that sounds miserable!
Loved this read! Reminded me of all the silly, yet frustrating, lil happenings that occur in my marriage haha
So happy you enjoyed!
You fixed something with only one trip to the hardware store? That is amazing.
Lmao -good point!
No misshaps as an adult, but my mum and aunts would delight in telling a story of me flushing my aunt’s false eyelashes down the toilet because they were ‘beasties’ as she was getting ready for a night out … I must have been about 2 or 3
Hahah I’m sure it’s one of her favorite memories
Great story from the trenches of household repair. Just wait until she discovers HGTV and says, “Look how easy it is’.
Hahah can’t wait
You are officially a hero, Anthony!!🌟😂 Knowing me, I probably would’ve gotten the new toilet too. I mean, you already had to remove the other.🤷🏽♀️😅 Enjoy your day!
Hahah it was on my mind Forsure!!! Appreciate you my friend
But can it suck golf balls through a garden hose like Pvt. Pyle on Full Metal Jacket? That’s the question:)
Great movie! And yes it can
I don’t know why a toilet should be able to flush golf balls, but once flushed, there’s also a matter of whether the sewerage pipes could handle them (or just cause a blockage further along.) I am imagining workers in a sewerage treatment plant wondering where golf balls are coming from, as people test out their new toilets.
I imagine them taking those balls and telling their friends they never have to buy golf balls again! Thank you for reading
There are few things I hate more than messing with plumbing. And toilets are at the top of my hate for plumbing list. So, you got her glasses back … but will she ever actually wear them again?
LMAO!
Imagry is perfect. I’m glad you got the glasses out of the toilet.
Thank you so much!
Very wise words wisest I’ve ever heard
Haha thanks!
Wonderful ♥️
Funny reality
The Fab Four of Cley
-:) -:) -:) -:)
Appreciate you my friend!
Hi! Trying to grow my blog. Follow for follow back? Sincerely, Mikayla Scotlynd Littrell (MetsMadness the blog)😄
Haha… Super funny. I really enjoy reading your post.
Isn’t there a saying about this situation? My fading memory was something like “Girls who flush glasses should mind the splash, or they’ll soak their own britches while blaming the creek.” 👓🚽
This is freaking hilarious. I absolutely love the use of language and the pacing. It was so easy to envision all those emotions and the sheer ridiculousness of the whole situation as though it were my own experience
Thank you so much for posting this
I’m so happy you enjoyed, this comment made my day!
Sorry I laughed:) Sad story indeed. Have a nice day
No worries at all, that’s the goal!!
Hahahahah, this sounds like the kind of lore you’d tell your kids or nephews for many times
Building up my lore bucket- so happy you enjoyed!
That was a great read! I enjoyed how you added humour to a shitty situation
OMG, this is hilarious. I’ve had my share of clogged toilets, but flushing glasses? That’s a new one!
I’m sure it was not at all funny in the moment, but your storytelling is absolutely hilarious!
Thank you so so much!
Damn must have been a hard time. Well atleast now you got a conversation starter😂
OMG! 😄😄😄😄👌
hah!
Hilarious. Brilliant. Funnily enough, of all the things I’ve flushed down the toilet, glasses isn’t one of them.