The Wrong Order
You ordered a pepperoni, green pepper, and mushroom pizza for your family. Hope was on the menu tonight.
But what shows up? One jalapeño-only pizza ordered by a madman who dances with heartburn and treats Pepto Bismal as a dipping sauce. The worst part? That bastard has the same name as you, making you worry about what little pizza credibility you have left.
The silver lining? This now becomes a personal pizza as your family flees the inferno.
Chances of this chaos: 2 out of 10.
The Cold Order
You’re so hungry, you’re agitated.
Simple things—like the TV spiking in volume—have your patience screaming.
You ordered McDonald’s because you’re a lazy American, and what you want more than anything is a hot burger. But what arrives is colder than your neighbor’s shoulder.
The fries are a block of ice, the cheese isn’t melted, but frozen, and you could drop the patty and play hockey with it.
You eat it anyway, tasting the disappointment in every bite.
Chances of this cold betrayal: 1 out of 10.
Right Order, Wrong House
You did everything right.
You clicked. You tipped. And even waited like Christmas morning, eyes glued to the window. Your phone buzzes: “Delivered.” But when you open the door, there’s nothing there besides the “Paw’s only” doormat you should have replaced seven years ago.
You keep looking, expecting it to suddenly appear. It doesn’t. Yet somewhere in the distance, out of the corner of your eye, you see a taillight vanish into the night.
Your order did arrive—just at your neighbor’s house a few doors down.
Now comes the decision: Do you commit porch piracy? Do you knock on their door at 11 PM, telling them DoorDash delivered to the wrong house? Do you let this be their impression of you? Hungry, begging, desperate.
Or do you just suck it up like the wimp you are and stay hungry?
You stay hungry.
Decisions, decisions.
Chances of this suburban tragedy: 1.5 out of 10.
The Perfect Order
Hot. Correct. Beautiful. The food looks just like the app photo—suspiciously so, as if the chef was cooking for his career.
The sauce is on the side like you asked, and the Dasher even texted you, “I’m here.”
The perfect order is the one that keeps you coming back for more. They send this beauty out right when you’re one mistake away from swearing off the app. This is what commercials are made for. This is the genius behind the inherent laziness of this app.
This is a true thing of beauty, and rest assured, it will never happen again.
Chances of this sacred event: 3 out of 10.
The Incomplete Order
You’re feeling sick, so you order your sick meal. For you, it’s Chicken McNuggets, fries, and of course the pièce de résistance: the Sprite.
And if you’re being honest, the Sprite is really the only thing you want, but you’re not about to spend 6 dollars on a soda. However, you can justify spending 16 dollars for a meal you hardly pick at.
Unfortunately, what arrives is the Home Alone moment. Fries… check. McNuggets… check. Sprite? SPRITE?!
The incomplete order is the most frustrating order of them all. You’re happy it arrived but mad it was wrong. It’s like life—a little good, a little bad, and you’re just here for the ride.
Chances of this emotional wound: 2 out of 10.
Please like, comment, share and tell me what you think. What am I missing?
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So you’re saying at some point you actually got a hot meal from McDonald’s delivered by DoorDash? It’s barely hot when you order from the counter AT McDonald’s. Is this even possible?
Hahaha fair point – made me laugh
Truth to the max, sir. I have, due to orders of icy fries and “meat” patties, stopped ordering from McClown. I know. How dastardly of me to break from American programming. I feel like I’m in that moment of Tron: Legacy where we see Kevin Flynn sitting Zen in his self-made apartment. Out there, desperately looking for me, is Ronald on a light-cycle. The only way not to lose is not to play. (Apologies for the badly written movie analogy). Oh, and Sprite. One of the powers of Mordor that seek to break me from drinking only water. Darn you, Sprite!!!!!!!!!
Darn you sprite!! I need to break my programming too
I just read this to my office peeps …which is actually all family. We laughed so hard because it’s all true! Sidenote- My son does Uber Eats as a side gig. He was a Marine for many years and has four kiddos …now divorced. So between his benefits and the side gig, he makes a good dime! He his also a Diamond Deliverer which apparently is a big deal 🤣
That’s awesome, tell him I appreciate his service and really appreciate you sharing this with me!
I’ve used DoorDash twice. The first time half my order was left out, and the second time it got delivered to somebody else’s house, I have no idea where. I did wander around the street at 10am looking for it, but had no luck. Whoever got it, I really hope they enjoyed it. Both times it was KFC. I have no intention to use them a third time.
The colonel won again!
Okay, I hate to cook Tony, but you’ve convinced. The heck with this going out thing. I did have to laugh too when you talked about cold food. That seems to happen to us all the time. Better to go ourselves in person or forget about eating out altogether. Ha, ha.
So much better to get it ourselves, cheaper, hotter, you get a story out of it…
We live too far out in the sticks to order food — unless we pick it up. And it’s always cold when we get home. We weren’t getting our morning newspaper on Saturdays for a few weeks in a row. I saw the paper four houses up. I knocked on their door and no answer. I waited until 2 p.m. until I grabbed it and texted the neighbor that I took the paper. She answered and said, “Oh you can keep it.” I asked her if she subscribed and she said, “No. I throw it out.”
Oh my goodness, that’s funny – a good base for a story
Good points in this blog. The worse I got so far is the frozen dinner.
Heat her up!! Thanks for reading
I once ordered dominos, and I really was looking forward to the garlic bread. But in the garlic bread box was a ham and pineapple pizza.
I phoned up to let them know, I thought someone else might have a garlic bread instead of a hawaiian. I said, “I have a pizza instead of garlic bread”,
“Garlic bread IS pizza? Thats what a garlic bread looks like” they replied
And I say, “Well does your garlic bread also have ham and pineapple on it, because I’m no Italian, but I’m pretty sure it does not”
We all had a bit of a laugh.
The I’m no Italian like killed me
Never tried Door Dash, I’ll go and buy it. And THEY STILL GET IT WRONG. Sorry!
Hahah ain’t that the truth
Been there, done them. 🤣🤣🤣
Misery loves company haha!
Listen, I got so tired of DoorDash, I started using Uber Eats, instead. I am NEVER looking back. 😆🤣😂
So much better! Better price too
EXACTLY! Lol. A couple of my friends kept telling me to use them instead, and I finally made the change. It’s such a huge difference. Lol.
These are all too familiar. I have had the cold food consistently from Uber Eats for a while now. Even ordering priority delivery, it all still arrives cold. When we had Menu Log, food was consistently delivered to an address in a street that has a name one letter different from ours. (What fevered mind led the city council to have a Perry St and a Berry St in the same suburb?)
Hahaha wow that would drive me crazy – I also feel like that detail would be really compelling in a story
I’m a DoorDash driver, so I can offer a bit of the opposite perspective here.
Wrong Order: this could be either the driver’s fault or the store’s fault. DoorDash usually (but not always) makes us take pictures of the receipt upon pickup. The customer’s name is on the receipt, so there’s very little excuse if the driver messes up here. If the receipt is not on the bag or box, we have to take it on faith that it’s the right order because our independent contractor agreement does not allow us to open and inspect the food.
Cold Food: This is usually due to an inadequate (or no) tip. We are independent contractors, therefore we are allowed to accept or decline any delivery offer. Most of us look for a certain dollar amount per mileage traveled to accept an order. If it’s not adequate, we decline the order. Further, DoorDash only pays a $2 base wage for most orders, and the rest comes from tips. The better you tip, the more likely your order will be accepted by the first or second driver it’s offered to, leading to faster delivery and hotter food.
Right Order Wrong House: This is on the driver. DoorDash does everything it can to point us to the right property, including pictures of previous drop-offs (in the case of contactless deliveries) to aid the driver in finding the right location. Unfortunately, DoorDash’s built-in GPS is total garbage, and we often have to use another GPS to help us find our way. I have only dropped off an order in the wrong location once, but fortunately it was an apartment complex and the right door was just a few feet down the breezeway of the same building, and I successfully moved it to the right location for the customer to collect.
Incomplete Order: Much like the wrong order scenario, per our independent contractor agreement we are not allowed to open the bag/box and verify the contents as that is considered tampering. As such, we have to take on faith that the entire order is present, and any missing items simply are not our fault. I’ve had this happen to me a couple of times, and in all instances I instructed the customer to contact DoorDash support to straighten the issue out.
Perfect Order: Yep, pretty much a stroke of luck. Everything has to come together flawlessly. I must be doing a good job from my end though, as I currently have a 100% on-time rate, and a 4.94 star customer rating.
Well, I really appreciate you!!
Hilarious! Grinned the whole way through. I’ve done door dash once—an overnight stay in a hotel; I was too tired to venture out. The food was great but tips and fees turned a food delivery into a car payment. Learned my lesson first time, but missed out on writing a killer blog by a failure to recognize that the real value in overpriced and undercooked delivery food might just be inspiration.
Thank you so much, so happy you enjoyed and you’re right the fees do add
I am jealous of the Dashers you have were you live. I’ve only gotten a version of the wrong house one time but I was at a hotel away from home and they went to the wrong one even though I made sure the front desk person confirmed the address with me … needless to say, by the time I had my food it had turned into the all too familiar idea cold delivery (unless you wanted something cold, then it’ll be warm/melted/tragically spilled inside the bag). I would have put the chances of cold delivery up around 8. 🤣
Hahaha I will make the edits
I once ordered delivery from a restauraunt that didn’t believe in 3rd party delivery, I thought someone actually from the restaurant would be on point. I specify my building is locked on weekends, so I’ll come down to meet them. It’s cold I’m standing in the lobby. A car pulls up, a girl gets out with a bag of food looks at the address then as i am opening the door she gets back in het xar and leaves, then I get a ding on my phone with a text/photo saying the food was delivered ??!! I call the restaurant to explain the situation, they ask if I have a back entrance. I do and that’s where my food was. So fuck delivery period. 😑🙄