“Oh man Tony, I was worried what you’d think when I first invited Greg to play.”
That’s what my friend Shawn said out loud one night while we were playing video games — just me, him, and oh yeah, GREG.
And immediately, I could feel myself sinking into an awkward moment.
Keep in mind, we three had been gaming together for years.
But this was the day he decided to bring that up.
We were talking about how some people we know can act a little pretentious, when Shawn suddenly remembered this story about me apparently being a dick to Greg. And there I was, mouth open, body squirming, trying to figure out what the hell he was on about.
“What are you talking about?” I fired back.
Shawn cleared his throat.
“Oh, you know. Remember in high school, Greg came over and left the front door open? You flipped out because you thought he let your dog out.”
“No… I don’t remember that at all.” I mumbled.
“…And I was thinking, hey, Tony — Greg’s not dumb. He wouldn’t do that intentionally.”
Greg chimed in, “Oh yeah… I remember that.”
I sighed.
“Well, to be honest, I don’t remember that, but if it makes you feel better, I regret hearing that now about how I acted.”
If you couldn’t tell, we were talking about the “R” word.
Regret.
One of those emotions we’re told we’re not supposed to feel.
Everyone Says Don’t Regret. Everyone’s Wrong.
You’ve probably had a moment like this, too.
Maybe an older person in your life approached you calm and glassy-eyed, only to slow down and say, “No matter what you do, never have any regrets.”
Or maybe you’re scrolling through social media and see someone say, “Don’t regret anything. You only live once.”
And every time I hear that, I can’t help but roll my eyes.
Because honestly, I don’t buy it.
At all.
In fact, I think the opposite is true.
I think everyone should have regrets.
And you should probably want more of them.
Because it’s only through regret that you realize you’re actually growing as a person.
Everyone Has Regrets
Let me be clear: I believe everyone has regrets.
Everyone.
And if someone tells you they don’t, they’re either lying, delusional, or holding toilet paper at the store to get rid of the shit that’s inside them.
Because if you’re human, chances are you’ve done at least one thing you would have done differently if given the chance.
Because regrets are so easy to have.
Ever leave your car parked in the wrong place only to wake up to a ticket?
That’s a regret.
Ever stay up too late the night before work, have one too many drinks, then wake up feeling like your head’s been replaced with a basketball?
That’s a regret.
Ever get into a fight with someone you love and say something you can’t take back?
That’s a regret.
You see, regret is everywhere, and it always will be.
But that’s not a bad thing, because regret actually teaches you something.
It teaches you that you have matured.
What Regret Teaches Us
Here’s the deal: the only reason regret exists is because your brain is trying to teach you something.
That’s it.
It’s basically your internal coach saying,
“Hey, jackass, maybe don’t do that again so you won’t feel like shit.”
It’s basically the emotional equivalent of touching a hot oven without gloves.
It’s supposed to make you feel the burn so you don’t do it again.
But the crazy part is, you won’t have regrets unless you don’t mature.
And if you critically look back in your life and feel a little bit of regret, well, if you ask me, that’s good.
You’re supposed to mature. You should handle situations differently as you age.
Otherwise, if you had no regrets, you probably haven’t developed that much mentally.
How to Use Regret Without Letting It Crush You
Now, here’s the tricky part: sometimes we let regret win.
Because unchecked regret can be crushing.
Which is why everyone advises you not to have regrets.
And the only reason they tell you that is because they have regrets.
But the truth is, sometimes regret leaves us sitting in it.
We beat ourselves up.
We second-guess everything.
And that’s when it becomes a problem.
But the truth is, nobody’s perfect and nobody will be.
Everyone screws up.
Everyone.
And you can’t change the past, so sitting in it won’t help.
Instead, it’s ok to realize that feeling regret is enough.
In fact, it’s kind of the whole point.
It’s your mind acknowledging, “Yeah, I messed that up.”
And sometimes, that’s all you can do.
Because you can’t change the past.
But you can use those bad feelings to guide yourself to a better future.
And that, my friend, is a blessing.
So when people say, “live life without regrets,” what they really mean is:
Don’t let regret dim your light.
Don’t let it slow you down.
Feel it. Learn from it. Move forward.
Because regret doesn’t mean you failed.
Regret means you’re human.
Regret means you’re growing.
And if you pay attention, regret might just be the best teacher you’ll ever have.
Please like, comment, share, and tell me what you think!
Follow me on Substack here:Tonysbologna | Anthony Robert | Substack
Thank you for the valuable lesson. I think a lot of people forget about this. At my age right now, everyone is constantly telling me “don’t regret anything. Do everything!!” But like, I’m bound to mess up eventually hahah!
Whew, so it’s okay now to regret that extra piece or pie or the extra drink I had Saturday night. I feel so much better now. Ha, ha. I’ve always tried to watch the Big Rs — regret on big things. As you mentioned, I’ve tried to view it as things I would do differently. I have a ton of those. I just didn’t want too many Big Rs in my life. Ha, ha.
Hahah I don’t blame you – ideally none of us want too many big r’s appreciate you reading my friend – I’m hoping to avoid a few little drinking Rs this upcoming weekend
I heard somewhere that there is a difference between having regrets and feeling guilty. Regret says… maybe I should have done differently. Guilt says… I did something I knew was wrong. I’ve tried to avoid guilt by doing what I know is right, but not avoid regret but learning from my mistakes. I have a LOT of regrets, but let’s not get into that! 😎
Very wise distinction my friend!
After reading this, i admit i have regrets… its better than the ..”And if someone tells you they don’t, they’re either lying, delusional…” 😋🤭 (lol just kidding)
well said, Anthony…🤍🙏
As long as you don’t stay there for years regretting something, you are okay
As long as you let go of it and start living
I find it hard to never look back thinking oh well… Like why did I move here? And how did I end up in this situation? And even if I move back tomorrow, I will regret it later, situations change but regrets stay. I don’t enjoy it honestly
I hear you on that – thank you for reading my friend !
My pleasure
Great post, well written
Great post. Being regretful over an action committed is good. But as you have said, learn from it, and try not to make the same mistake again. I hope this message reaches many people
Thank you so much! Yeah it’s all about just learning from it. Appreciate you reading my friend
Totally agree. There’s a lot I regret, but I can’t change it so I learned from it. I still manage to screw up sometimes though, and I’ll probably carry on doing so. I don’t let it win, it’s part of being human. Interestingly, I don’t regret some things that I probably should, and if I had my time over I’d probably do them again. Life would be pretty boring otherwise so non, je ne regrette rien. 😎
You said it best, it’s part of being human – well said my friend!
The way I see it people who always act out of impulse need to be scared with the “You’ll regret” statement because if we wait for them to mature they as well as we ourselves can regret a lot. But for those who are experiencing life and make mistakes like getting a parking ticket (like you mention) these are just life experiences and to regret tiny things like this is to put yourself through a lot of undeserved stress as far as you learn from it. When I first read this “Don’t have any regrets in life” and the entire thread of older people telling us their regrets, I took it as an opportunity to be consciously present in my life. That way this has helped me more than any other advice. But the challenging part is how conscious I try to be. That stress is a payment to avoid regret eh? I guess I’ll know in the later years.
I like that being consciously present – very wise thank you for reading
Grest post and I agree. When I was 18 someone told me… When you are on your deathbed you want to be able to regret things you may have done. But you definitely don’t want to regret things you haven’t done. I’ve tried to stick to that theory all my life… It’s kept me busy 😉
So true and wise, I look at it the same way too – thank you for reading
This is a well-written and insightful post 👏👏
Thank you so much, appreciate you reading!
A thoughtful and thought-provoking piece, Tony! Thank you!
Thank you so so much
☺️
*slides in to throw her two cents* Haaaiiii! 😀
Ok, so… I’ve spent a LOT of time thinking about “Regret” and I am on the other side of the fence… but, not? Hear me out…
Regret vs. Remorse – I often say, “Regret is an anchor to the past.” We can’t truly move forward if we are constantly regretting all the things, yeah? But, Remorse! We can totally feel bad about that thing we did 20 years ago that we stay up late some nights replaying in our head (stop it!)… but letting go of the Regret – because we learned a valuable lesson that we wish not to repeat – is good, imho.
That being said, I think we are kinda on the same page, but in different ways, maybe?! 🙂 I love your perspective, though, and don’t disagree (completely).
Love your point! I feel like we agree we just express it differently, but I love the nuance you presented!
A thought-provoking piece. Nice one 👍
I agree, Tony—Regret means you’re growing. I have many regrets and I have learned a lot. Some of them will always haunt me, but striving for love, kindness, and understanding is a lifelong pursuit.
Loved it! Such a good read. Thank you for this.
So happy you enjoyed