Small Town Vagrants

Hey, I have a question for you.

Do you really live in small town if you don’t have these vagrants running around?

You be the judge.

These rat bastards live in every town… have you seen yours?


Garage Man

The creeks in the night, the shadows on the ground, the 80’s Halen dancing in the wind. You know the signs, and my friends, don’t be alarmed, the signs know you. Shooting out the back of an exhaust pipe, garage man was born, found his garage and never left. He’s the human equivalent of a hermit crab and uses his garage as a badge of pride. Hiding behind a pultruding beer belly, long dead-dreams rocker hair and white knuckles wrapped around a never-ending supply of light beer, garage man sits like a gargoyle guarding his garage from the dastardly dangers of the outside world. Anytime you drive past his house, this man can be seen sitting in a lawn chair, lost in the mighty mysteries of cable television. What’s he watching? What does he do for work? Where does he go to the bathroom? The world may never know. All I know is this, don’t go into his garage, because if you do, you may never return.

Pissed Off Lady

As someone who has never been confused for “Happy Lady” pissed off lady spends her life in the emotional equivalent of a cherished coupon being rejected. With a permanent scowl firmly cemented on her flurried face and a day booked full of moments of being upset over trivial matters; pissed off lady brings the fire to the cool world of everyday life. Managers beware, she’ll chew your ass out over a decision a corporate toadies miles away made without giving you an inch of understanding. Stay out of her way, and if you’re lucky, she may stay out of yours.

Knife Guy

Slice them, dice them, splice them, you name it – your small town knife dealer has a slab of steel for you. A decedent of blacksmiths, this poor bastard has the rotten luck of not being born in the 1500’s, where his sharp obsession had a booming demand. Alas, competition has moved this man to the outskirts of town where he makes his living in the Flea Markets. You can usually find him every other Saturday half asleep in the corner. When you grow the urge to buy a knife you’ll rarely use, probably with a wolf engraving, he’ll be there to properly rip you off.

Old Drunk-Guy

Houston we have a problem, there’s a drunk guy here and he won’t shut the Hell up. Where’s the hooch? the gin, the cold one? Give him something, anything to silence this inferno racket! You don’t receive a colorful name like “Old Drunk-Guy” without being an old, drunk-guy. Known for his appetite of destruction and the twinkle in his eye when telling stories about what could-have-been, old drunk-guys spends his time drunk, cruising down memory lane where cops don’t pull people over. Although bit misguided, many would confirm he’s a good guy, however; watch your drink, or he’ll watch it for you.

Grill Master

Achievements starts with A. Athletics, Academics, Ambitions and…. A grill? Wait a minute. Who hijacked my intro? In a world where you can train a monkey to make a hamburger, the very same worldwhere you realize that all grilled foods aren’t complicated to make, the grill masters stacks his reputation on his spatula. If you are thinking about using his grill forget about it – you’ll have better luck shitting out a leprechaun in a tuxedo.This man lives for all things grilled and insists he does it better. But you know what… he’s probably right.

Motorcycle Menace

Picture this – it’s 8PM, the kids are settled down and you’re sitting on your front porch melting into the abyss of your mind when you hear a squeal of tires and a roar of muffler as a bat of Hell sitting on a motorcycle zooms by your house, leaving fire in it’s wake. My friends, that’s the motorcycle menace. The motorcycle menace is the only character that can make garage man angry and out of his chair, as even they disturb the Nirvana of his garage. This vagrant lives for their motorcycle, as their motorcycle conversely lives for them. In their mind, speed limits are suggestions, and world must see how cool they look as they wake the dead, revving back on the accelerator, middle finger in the air. These people ride in packs, and pot holes are their worst enemy. If you want to learn about the freedom of the road, talk to them.


Please like, comment, share and tell me what you think. What other small town vagrants am I missing? Have you ran into these characters yourself?

18 thoughts on “Small Town Vagrants

  1. I’m kind of the Grill Master, but I’m not preachy about it!

    Missing some Trailer Trash always has big ideas or those statues you paint from home get rich quick. Also the Good Ole Days who remembers days long gone, days which were sooo much better than now, and is gonna remind you of it any chance they can.

    Liked by 3 people

  2. Society Maven – the one who seeks to be president of some local women’s group/church group and goes about the time-honoured task of looking down her nose and commenting sharply on those who don’t live up to her standards or exhibit her expected socially-subservient mannerisms.

    Liked by 3 people

  3. I love this post and the comments. When I lived in San Diego, motorcycle menace used to think the three-way stop in front of our apartment building was put there just to inconvenience them. They used to love to show their disdain for the stop signs by revving their engines as they blasted through the intersection at midnight. You forgot to mention Lucy Goosie–everyone’s best chance to get some action once she had had her second beer.

    Liked by 1 person

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