Small Town Vagrants

Hey, I have a question for you.

Do you really live in small town if you don’t have these vagrants running around?

You be the judge.

These rat bastards live in every town… have you seen yours?


Garage Man

The creeks in the night, the shadows on the ground, the 80’s Halen dancing in the wind. You know the signs, and my friends, don’t be alarmed, but the signs know you.

Shooting out the back of an exhaust pipe, garage man was born, found his garage and never left. He’s the human equivalent of a hermit crab and uses his garage as a badge of pride.

Hiding behind a pultruding beer belly, long dead-dreams rocker hair, and white knuckles wrapped around a never-ending supply of light beer, the garage man sits like a gargoyle guarding his garage against the dastardly dangers of the outside world.

Anytime you drive past his house, this man can be seen sitting in a lawn chair, lost in the mighty mysteries of cable television.

What’s he watching? What does he do for work? Where does he go to the bathroom? The world may never know. All I know is this, don’t go into his garage because if you do, you may never return.

Pissed-Off Lady

As someone who has never been confused for “Happy Lady,” pissed-off lady spends her life living in the emotional equivalent of a cherished coupon being rejected.

With a permanent scowl firmly cemented on her flurried face and a day booked full of moments of being upset over trivial matters, pissed-off lady brings the fire to the cool world of everyday life.

Managers beware, she’ll chew your ass out over a decision a Corporate Toadie miles away made without giving you an inch of understanding. Stay out of her way, and if you’re lucky, she may stay out of yours.

Knife Guy

Slice them, dice them, splice them, you name it — your small-town knife dealer has a slab of steel for you.

A descendent of blacksmiths, this poor bastard has the rotten luck of not being born in the 1500s, when his sharp obsession had a booming demand.

Alas, competition has moved this man to the outskirts of town, where he makes his living in the Flea Markets. You can usually find him every other Saturday half asleep in the corner. When you grow the urge to buy a knife, which you’ll rarely use, probably with a wolf engraving; he’ll be there to rip you off properly.

Old Drunk-Guy

Houston, we have a problem, there’s a drunk guy here and he won’t shut the Hell up.

Where’s the hooch? The gin, the cold one? Give him something, anything to silence this infernal racket! You don’t receive a colorful name like “Old Drunk-Guy” without being an old, drunk-guy.

Known for his appetite for destruction and the twinkle in his eye when telling stories about what-could-have-been, old drunk-guy spends his time drunk, cruising down memory lane where cops don’t pull people over.

Although a bit misguided, many would confirm he’s a good guy, however; watch your drink, or he’ll watch it for you.

Grill Master

Achievements start with A. Athletics, Academics, Ambitions, and…. A grill? Wait a minute. Who hijacked my intro?

In a world where you can train a monkey to make a hamburger, the very same world where you realize that all grilled foods aren’t complicated to make, the grill master stacks his reputation on his spatula.

If you are thinking about using his grill forget about it — you’ll have better luck shitting out a leprechaun in a tuxedo.

This man lives for all things grilled and insists he does it better. But you know what… he’s probably right.

Motorcycle Menace

Picture this — it’s 8 PM, the kids are settling down, and you’re sitting on your front porch melting into the abyss of your mind when you hear the squeal of tires and the roar of a muffler. You look up only to see a blur zoom by your house, leaving fire in its wake.

My friends, that’s the motorcycle menace. The motorcycle menace is the only character that can make the garage man angry and out of his chair, giving him much-needed exercise. It’s a symbiotic relationship of love and hate. 

This vagrant lives for their motorcycle, as their motorcycle conversely lives for them. In their mind, speed limits are suggestions, and the world must see how cool they look as they wake the dead, revving back on the accelerator, middle finger in the air.

These people ride in packs, and potholes are their worst enemy. Talk to them if you want to learn about the freedom of the road.

Please like, comment, share and tell me what you think. What other small town vagrants am I missing? Have you ran into these characters yourself?

35 thoughts on “Small Town Vagrants

  1. I’m kind of the Grill Master, but I’m not preachy about it!

    Missing some Trailer Trash always has big ideas or those statues you paint from home get rich quick. Also the Good Ole Days who remembers days long gone, days which were sooo much better than now, and is gonna remind you of it any chance they can.

  2. Society Maven – the one who seeks to be president of some local women’s group/church group and goes about the time-honoured task of looking down her nose and commenting sharply on those who don’t live up to her standards or exhibit her expected socially-subservient mannerisms.

  3. I love this post and the comments. When I lived in San Diego, motorcycle menace used to think the three-way stop in front of our apartment building was put there just to inconvenience them. They used to love to show their disdain for the stop signs by revving their engines as they blasted through the intersection at midnight. You forgot to mention Lucy Goosie–everyone’s best chance to get some action once she had had her second beer.

  4. I don’t live in a small town but have some of these too… but will add that largish city creature, the crazy guy who doesn’t take his meds and walks around cursing and swearing and yelling at the top of his lungs…..we have two now in my neighourhood – an old guy ready for retirement and his replacement a young one….

  5. I loved this. A wonderful cast of characters delightfully delineated. Loved the alliteration of the gargoyle sentence, along with its imagery; loved also how characters in one segment popped up as cameos in another 🙂

  6. I think you should. You do it well: satirical barbs but with a light touch. I would suggest an illustrator to match your verbal sketches. This would add to its marketability.

    1. That’s a good idea! Yeah it would be fun, I want to do a whole small town. I’m currently finishing up a humorous sales advice book and I might make that my next project

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