Have you ever noticed these stereotypes putzing around in your hometown?
Be sure to let me know.
With a heavy beard and a smug grin of superiority, this man buys his reputation one overpriced beer at a time and has the nerve to tell you about it too, as if you were interested in what he is drinking because you know, you never met the fucking guy. The affordable pilsner? That’s peasant talk, why don’t you take that regular beer and shove it up your regular, denim-ass, Mr. Wally – Mart. This man wants something that tastes like fermented grass clippings. Often sitting next to the crossfit guy, these guys take turns stroking their ego, among other things, and breath in wide-nostril the sweet smell of pretentiousness. We all hope these two arch types don’t interbreed, otherwise we will have created the most annoying stereotype ever, and I shudder, the CrossFit, IPA guy.
“You won’t believe the day I had!” “I’m just shaking my head” “Look at Crazzyyy thing my kids did” The Facebook mom is alive, well and thriving on Facebook, but Hell, I didn’t have to tell you that, you just had to pay attention. The Facebook Mom isn’t a real mom, at least not any more. Instead, she’s been sucked into her computer, Tron style, and plants her garden of dramatic Facebook statuses one keystroke at a time. You never have to wonder what emotional state she’ll be in, mainly because she’ll tell you, she’s not one for mystery. She has her highs, she endures her lows and you happily sit in the front seat in her roller coaster called life, popcorn in mouth, asking for more. Heaven forbid something dramatic actually happens otherwise the whole internet will come crashing down, sending us into a black hole called chaos. I’m rooting for you Facebook mom.
Semi Racist Guy
Yeah, sure, he has a black friend & all and Hell, would you look at that, he has an Asian friend too. But when the beers crack, day turns to night and the coverage of darkness dims cameras, he’ll let the derogatory words fly. It always starts off with “The coast is clear” look over the shoulder followed by a racist joke. Give him a few more drinks, a racist joke will turn into a racist rant and the punchline will be regrettably overlooked. Of course, he’ll throw out the disclaimer, “I’m not racist though” to cover his trail, that sly, sly bastard. Little does he know, you’re actually half black and will leave having to referee a wrestling match of friendship vs values later that night. Life goes on I suppose.
As someone who casted aside the pursuit of pussy in lieu of the pursuit of power ups, this electric, Mountain Dew filled man, is locked in and ready to go. If you’re silent at night you can hear the button crunching, sweat wiping fingers at work, tap, tapping away breaking the silence in an otherwise peaceful suburban evening. Curious by the noise, you cast a peak into the room only to see a man possessed sitting in the brilliant glow illuminating from the tv, inching closer, slowly getting sucked in like a cow to an alien ship. Villains beware, this super human has been preparing his thumbs to take over world domination and if you have the stomach to face him in an online battle, you may as well book your funeral because rest assured, you will lose. Keep doing you kid, the princess is rooting for you and with enough time, you’ll get a chance to meet her and her royal panties.
During the deafening silence of night this forgotten hero can still hear the crowd’s roar and taste the victory as he recalls sliding into home base and into the arms of admiration. However, as peaceful as his dream was, a piercing scream from the alarm clock casts him back to reality where he can hear a only a whisper. Back in the day this guy was the king, he had all the small town fame, and small town exploits that one early puberty-hitting high school boy could ever ask for. When he says High School was the best time in his life, he meant it, that was his climax, and now he’s on the slide of “meh” until he hits the bottom with a lackluster thud. His problem was he flew too close to the sun and with seared wings, he tail spun back down to earth landing among us mere mortals. Today you can find him, mop in hand, polishing the pine murmuring to himself with buffalo-wing stained shirts and beer cologne as he scrubs along the school floor wishing he was Marty Mcfly with a time machine. He had his moment and you’ll soon have yours.
Please like, comment, share and tell me what you think. If you enjoyed this post, please send it to a friend, it would mean the world to me. This is all satire and not meant to be taken seriously, but rather meant to be enjoyed. Let me know: what stereotypes am I missing?