Have you ever noticed these stereotypes putzing around in your hometown?
Be sure to let me know.
With a heavy beard and a smug grin of superiority, this man buys his reputation one overpriced beer at a time and has the nerve to tell you about it too, as if you were interested in what he is drinking because you know, you never met the fucking guy. The affordable pilsner? That’s peasant talk, why don’t you take that regular beer and shove it up your regular, denim-ass, Mr. Wally – Mart. This man wants something that tastes like fermented grass clippings. Often sitting next to the crossfit guy, these guys take turns stroking their ego, among other things, and breath in wide-nostril the sweet smell of pretentiousness. We all hope these two arch types don’t interbreed, otherwise we will have created the most annoying stereotype ever, and I shudder, the CrossFit, IPA guy.
“You won’t believe the day I had!” “I’m just shaking my head” “Look at Crazzyyy thing my kids did” The Facebook mom is alive, well and thriving on Facebook, but Hell, I didn’t have to tell you that, you just had to pay attention. The Facebook Mom isn’t a real mom, at least not any more. Instead, she’s been sucked into her computer, Tron style, and plants her garden of dramatic Facebook statuses one keystroke at a time. You never have to wonder what emotional state she’ll be in, mainly because she’ll tell you, she’s not one for mystery. She has her highs, she endures her lows and you happily sit in the front seat in her roller coaster called life, popcorn in mouth, asking for more. Heaven forbid something dramatic actually happens otherwise the whole internet will come crashing down, sending us into a black hole called chaos. I’m rooting for you Facebook mom.
Semi Racist Guy
Yeah, sure, he has a black friend & all and Hell, would you look at that, he has an Asian friend too. But when the beers crack, day turns to night and the coverage of darkness dims cameras, he’ll let the derogatory words fly. It always starts off with “The coast is clear” look over the shoulder followed by a racist joke. Give him a few more drinks, a racist joke will turn into a racist rant and the punchline will be regrettably overlooked. Of course, he’ll throw out the disclaimer, “I’m not racist though” to cover his trail, that sly, sly bastard. Little does he know, you’re actually half black and will leave having to referee a wrestling match of friendship vs values later that night. Life goes on I suppose.
As someone who casted aside the pursuit of pussy in lieu of the pursuit of power ups, this electric, Mountain Dew filled man, is locked in and ready to go. If you’re silent at night you can hear the button crunching, sweat wiping fingers at work, tap, tapping away breaking the silence in an otherwise peaceful suburban evening. Curious by the noise, you cast a peak into the room only to see a man possessed sitting in the brilliant glow illuminating from the tv, inching closer, slowly getting sucked in like a cow to an alien ship. Villains beware, this super human has been preparing his thumbs to take over world domination and if you have the stomach to face him in an online battle, you may as well book your funeral because rest assured, you will lose. Keep doing you kid, the princess is rooting for you and with enough time, you’ll get a chance to meet her and her royal panties.
During the deafening silence of night this forgotten hero can still hear the crowd’s roar and taste the victory as he recalls sliding into home base and into the arms of admiration. However, as peaceful as his dream was, a piercing scream from the alarm clock casts him back to reality where he can hear a only a whisper. Back in the day this guy was the king, he had all the small town fame, and small town exploits that one early puberty-hitting high school boy could ever ask for. When he says High School was the best time in his life, he meant it, that was his climax, and now he’s on the slide of “meh” until he hits the bottom with a lackluster thud. His problem was he flew too close to the sun and with seared wings, he tail spun back down to earth landing among us mere mortals. Today you can find him, mop in hand, polishing the pine murmuring to himself with buffalo-wing stained shirts and beer cologne as he scrubs along the school floor wishing he was Marty Mcfly with a time machine. He had his moment and you’ll soon have yours.
Please like, comment, share and tell me what you think. If you enjoyed this post, please send it to a friend, it would mean the world to me. This is all satire and not meant to be taken seriously, but rather meant to be enjoyed. Let me know: what stereotypes am I missing?
47 thoughts on “Stereotypes”
I think you hit all of the stereotype nails on the head.
Awesome! Thank you so much
I laughed my ass off. You hit the nail right on the head. Keep it coming.
I know a couple of IPA guys & Facebook Moms, alas. 😒
Hahah they are spreading among us – they Are pretty much my entire neighbor
Then I wonder why I want to buy a ranch on Montana, and hang a sign on the gate that proclaims “Earth is room enough. Keep out!” I think I run into at least one of these every other person.
Hahah I love the sign idea!
Time to go play Stereotype Bingo! lol
These are all highly excellent. The only one you missed was the female equivalent of high school jock who peaked too soon. Ms Homecoming Queen/Cheerleader/Girl Most Likely To… now weighs 300 pounds, is Meth-odically trying to make ends meet and hopes to someday move to a double-wide.
Ahhh I’ll have to add it to the next one, good call
Damn, you made me spill my IPA!
My bad!!! I’ll grab you a miller lite
Hahah! So relatable! Lovely read! 💜
So happy you enjoyed!
::: nodding in agreement ::: mmm, yes… yes indeed. hahahahaha
Thank you kind sir!
I’ve known all of the above at one time or another. A few, notably the “Facebook Mom”, I still know. They all try my patience to no end … I’m looking for a small, self-sufficient desert island to move to … anybody know of one for sale … cheap?
Very on-the-nose! 🙂
I think the whole “latest trendy beers” movement has really left me behind. I’ll just stick with my stout/dark beers that have no fruity flavours whatsoever.
ROTFLMAO at CrossFit IPA guy. On the weekend you can find him at the farmers’ market buying the $8.00 loaf of bread with a story attached.
Lmao – 8.00 loaf of bread – great call hahah
The semi-racist guy will grease the skids with an Irish joke, and a Polish joke before nervously launching into the black joke. In some cases they actually believe the punchline. Others are probably just wrong-headed clowns who think that, as your friend, they are part of your private club and that you understand they are an idiot. My advice is, if you don’t think it, you won’t accidentally say it.
Hahah I loved “greased the skids” great phrase
Facebook Mom has the cleaning service come in to clean her house, and has every takeout joint on speed dial. She is too busy driving her children to school–God forbid they ride the school bus that stops in front of their house, better to jam up the main roads at rush hour–and the never ending list of activities she signed them up for.
Hahah too funny – good call I’m taking the kids to school
The first two are definitely my favorite and are the most relatable. I, too, am that dreadful IPA “guy” without the immense ego stroking. Sitting next to a cross-fitter, though? Unfortunately, yes.
I’d like your post, but it’s so perfectly at 69 likes… I didn’t want to ruin that for your blog.
You sir are a saint! Thank you for keeping things 69. Next stop, 420!
Some of these were right on!
Great post, I’ve seen some of those people – the Facebook Mum is a harmless lady but I don’t miss Facebook and the undercover racist – charming dude.
Hahah real charming fella
Millennial Guy: ‘YAWN’ I downvote Thee! What about YAWN do you not understand? No likes! YAWN!
Tony you are a keen observer of human behaviors. They infact provide some flavor in our lives by their actions. ,😂
Too funny and also too true. Thankfully, I don’t know many of those stereotypes. Where I live in Arizona, we’re all pretty down to earth people. Or I just don’t get out enough. Maybe that’s it. Anyway, great job. Made me laugh.
I’m so happy it made you laugh! I’m sure most people are down to earth, but it’s the weird ones that are fun to write about
Maybe we’re all racist of a sort!
My DNA indicates I am Italian, Greek, Sicilian, Hispanic, North African, English, Irish, Western European and Jewish!
Hell I have trouble getting along with myself!
Great post by the way!
And thank you so much! I’m glad you enjoyed it
Your DNA sounds like mine!
Sicilian? Great Sicilian Earthquake of 1908!?
Hahah something like that
You hit them all… ! I think the ‘snobbish author’ can be added to the IPA guy. You know, ‘First person point of view is for beginners’ (tell that to James Patterson), ‘how’s that little (smirk) book of yours coming?’ And on. And on.
Hahah that’s funny – anytime you. Any time someone can poke fun At pretentiousness you’re in the money
bwwwaaahhhhaaa… ! Still waitin’ for me money. The real thing.
I’ve met all of these at one time or another, and I’ve lived in two of IPA Guy’s natural habitats: Portland and Flagstaff. May I humbly suggest 2 more for the list:
Pot Proselytizer: Dresses like Che (if identifies as male) or Stevie Nicks (if identifies as female) and tells anyone who will stand still long enough that weed is the solution to all problems, from cancer to nuclear weaponry.
InstaMom: Facebook Mom’s younger, more photogenic cousin. Kids are not allowed to do anything that isn’t Instagram-worthy.
Hahah those are awesome and accepted, both of those stereotypes drive me nuts! Thanks for stopping by