Dear General Shinzo,
As the city dog catcher, (A title I don’t take lightly), I’ve seen it all. Dozens of deadly Dobermans, Pitbulls that were pulverizers, and hordes of Hellish Huskies that’ll make you think twice next time some punk kid asks you to donate to an animal charity.
I don’t know much about this impending apocalypse, but I do know this. I’m in the business of catching, and I’m the best there is. So when I hear rumors that one overgrown gorilla and one genetically mutated lizard want to play rock em’ sock em’ robots on my side of town, well, it’s time to put down the pork rinds, cause’ old Jack Hardy is up for the challenge.
I plead with you, leave our nation’s military back in the barracks. This is an issue we can handle in-house.
Yeah, sure, your armies have tanks. Yes, they have guns. Hell, they even have helicopters, but what they don’t have is experience. So grab some wood Bub, because it’s experience, not those fancy toys you political puppets like to play with, is what will get the job done.
Let me ask you something. Have you ever witnessed the tremendous, raw power of a net in the hands of a capable, calloused man?
I’m not talking about some rinky-dink plaything that catches butterflies; I’m talking about a NET, the tool that best demonstrates the wily innovation of man.
Who knew that one long, lightweight aluminum handle firmly bracing a highway intersection of weaved rope destruction, is the kryptonite to subdue the beasts of the night? City Dog Catchers, that’s who knew.
I want to remind you that this technology regularly tames the monsters of land and sea, and it’s with this instrument that I’ll bring the King Kong and Godzilla threat to their subway-car-sized knees.
If you’re wondering how I’ll lure these beasts into my net, I have two words for you: Milk Bones.
Honestly, have you ever tasted the ecstasy that $3.99 milk bones possess? It’s powerful stuff. I’ve seen a milk bone take a dog with a barbed wire collar and turn him into a teat-sucking puppy in an instant.
I reckon I’ll lay about three thousand of these suckers out to lure these monsters to my lair, then KA-BAM! Say hello to my net; you two are going to become fast friends.
Yep, not to brag, but I’ve used these tools of the trade to net over 2,600 and a half dogs during my storied 30-year career; A city record that will stand the test of time, mind you. If you think I’m losing sleep over the threat of two colossal monsters turning my city into a WWE ring, then I’m sorry to disappoint: I’ve seen worse.
Now, look, you got me ramblin’. Anyways, I say all of that to say this:
You listen here, King Dong, I’m married to sweet Varla, the banshee of Punxsutawney, PA. If you think I’m scared of you, then you don’t know what it’s like to be married to a real monster.
And you, Mr. Godzilla, I’ll have you know that I wear a snakeskin belt to compliment my alligator shoes, and my closet is looking like it needs a Godzilla-skin-jacket. I can’t wait to take you down and have your head mounted next to the deer I hit with my 87′ pick up.
Listen, It’s a dog eat dog world, and I’m wearing milk bone underwear. You catch my drift?
Instead of wasting innocent lives and innocent tax dollars, I beg of you to give the kids a break and let this old man fulfill his destiny as the city dog catcher — the man who catches all the city’s problems.
– Jack Hardy
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