The Smooth Man’s Guide to Picking Up Chicks

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Step 1. Stretch

Hey Casanova, I know you’re eager to grab a martini and start picking up chicks; but first, you must slow down, channel your inner Gumby, and stretch. Don’t be a stiff. Loosen up both mentally and physically, so you can pick up chicks all night long. Tight, unstretched muscles tear quicker than coupons at a retirement home. Spitting game is all about being loose and in the moment.

Step 2. Visualize

James Bond, Brad Pitt, elevators, airplanes, and the tusks of elephants in stereotypical jungle movies have one thing in common. They pick up chicks — a whole shit load of them. How do they do it? Visualization. Take a moment and visualize the girl. See the color of her hair. Embrace the warmth of her smile. Then watch yourself picking her up and feel the badassery rage in your veins.

Step 3. Master the Grip

The lover’s grasp. The first date handhold. The Titanic. The fireman carry. The Lion King. The Tarzan, and the crème de la crème…The Atlas. Many styles. Many flavors. Many implications. Choose one.

Step 4. Pick Her Up

Houston, prepare for liftoff. Be smooth and shoot your shot. Remember, don’t rush in like a firefighter to a bonfire but slow down and be loose. Bend down and lift from your well-stretched legs. CRASH. Hey! You dropped her! Why are you grabbing your back? Did you forget to stretch? Damnit! Let me pour you a big fat glass of I-told-you-so. I’ll serve it with ice.

Step 4. Go Back to Step One

I tried to warn you. I spelled it out. Stretch. Seven letters. Do you see what you get? That sensation of a drunk coal miner swinging a pickaxe into your lower back is a reminder to never skip step one. You acted like a stiff!

Step 5. Don’t Curse the World

That pain hasn’t gone away, has it? Yep, you pulled your back out. Stop reading and call 911. I’m sure those dispatchers need a laugh. Don’t be a selfish asshole and curse the world. Be a man, and curse yourself!

Step 6. Medicate

Take Advil.

Step 7. Pick Her up

Let’s try this again. FIRST STRETCH. Then take a deep breath and visualize a forklift. Notice the scraped sides and smell the fat operator named Gary. Got it in your head? Good! I want you to be that forklift. Get low and rise. Inch by inch, you’re kicking Isaac Newton’s gravity square in the nuts and picking up a chick.

Step 8. Find a Mirror

Go face the man in the mirror. Who’s that man? The man who picks up chicks. That’s who the fuck he is.

Step 9. Place Her Down

Don’t get carried away all-star; the only thing you picked up this past year was the remote control! Put her down gently and go grab a beer. Congratulations, you earned it. You’re certified to pick up chicks.

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