Super Bowl Snack: Buffalo Chicken Dip
People bring buffalo chicken dip when they want to impress you with the illusion of something complicated, but instead, it’s easy. Crockpot easy.
It’s the dish that says, take those JV carrots and cookies and move them the fuck over; the buffalo chicken dip is in the house.
Unfortunately, Buffalo chicken dip is also the dish that’s slowly becoming your friend Tiffany’s personality. She used to be regular-old, “I-hate-my-job” Tiffany, but now she’s Tiffany, the buffalo chicken lady.
“Hi Tiffany, long time no see; how are you?”
“Yes. I brought buffalo chicken dip.”
“Umm, how are you?”
“You know I make the world’s best buffalo chicken dip.”
“Best is a pretty singular word.”
“I know what I said.”
“I need a drink.”
Long story short: Sure, it’s good, and yeah, it’s on my plate, but Tiffany is letting this personality thing go too far.
Official ranking 9 out of 10. But if Tiffany made it… 7.
Super Bowl Snack: The Gas Station Italian Sub
The Gas Station Italian sub is the lunchtime favorite of people like me who get their teeth kicked in with manual labor and forget to pack lunch.
After 5 hours of dealing with some Winston-breath dick named Jerry screaming at you to hurry up, you need something cheap, fast, and isn’t a hooker to help you slow down. The Superbowl party requires the same treatment.
The gas station Italian sub comes to the rescue humbly. It doesn’t need a red carpet, it doesn’t need an endorsement deal, and Hell, it doesn’t need someone to ruin the game by talking about the commercials. Instead, the GSIS just needs to be washed down with a cold beer and a greasy-ass bag of chips.
Simply put: Move over Ironman, THIS is the hero you didn’t know you needed.
Official ranking 8 out of 10.
Super Bowl Snack: Chili
Confident Motherfuckers bring chili to a Super Bowl party knowing good and damn well what’s about to go down.
It takes people closer to the edge…of the bathroom. It’s a sticky dish, meaning if you bring chili once, you’ll get a reputation.
“Did you hear about the chili? Dan made chili.” “Dan loves chili.” “Dan IS Chili… That’s what the bumper sticker says.”
Don’t fret; chili is there for you. It won’t judge you for screaming murder when a blown call causes you to miss the spread. Instead, it will wait for you at the crossroads where hearty meets hardworking.
Official ranking… 8 out of 10.
Super Bowl Snack: Refried Beans
Your mom discovered refried beans in 1997 standing barefoot listening to Shania Twain and hasn’t forgotten it. Refried beans are the dish you start small and end big. Naturally addicting, a tremendous stomach coater, and apparently, sentimental to me.
Official ranking 6 out of 10.
Super Bowl Snack: The Cheeseboard
The cheeseboard is what some guy who went to Harvard brings, only to slowly be disappointed that the cheddar goes first while the camembert remains untouched. Yeah, it’s a classy move, sure it’s cultured, but it’s lacking one thing… nacho cheese.
Tsk… tsk… know your audience.
Official Ranking 4 out of 10.
Super Bowl Snack: Wings
Wings are what the NFL is all about. Deep-fried, hard-hitting, life-shortening, fun… like a field trip to New Jersey.
Everyone loves chicken wings and the thick-wallet bastard who brought them. It’s perhaps the King of all Super Bowl dishes, but what’s a kingdom without controversy? And the controversy with wings is always the sauce.
Do you go with hot to weed out the weak? Do you go with mild but have to deal with the inescapable ego of the fire swallowing big shots? Do you go with BBQ for the mid-winter tang? Or do you go with garlic parm and slowly realize, hey, that’s pretty damn good. You be the judge… I’ll eat the wings.
Official Ranking: 10 out of 10.
Super Bowl Snack: Pizza
The pizza is the power move of the party. Please let it be delivery and not DiGiorno. As sure as some Dad will blame his kid for losing the remote that’s wedged up his ass, someone will bring a pizza as a life raft to carry you home. Jump on; these are the carbs you didn’t know you needed.
Official ranking 9 out of 10.
Super Bowl Snack: Chips and Salsa
The chips and salsa are like your coworker who gets up out of bed at 9:15 and drives to work as if they’ll get there by 9. It’s what you bring to the party when you forget to plan ahead.
In the world of snack food, it’s in the inner circle, but its chair is on the outer rim, collecting rust like the Bowflex you bought in 1998. People will eat chips and salsa, but not all of it. Guaranteed.
The Official Ranking…. 4 out of 10… could be 5, depending on the salsa.
Super Bowl Snack: The Vegetable Plate
Great… someone brought carrots, woo-hoo, Bazzle. The vegetable side dish is the angle to remind you, hey, all that cholesterol probably isn’t good for you.
Begrudgingly you’ll put a blown-out celery stick on your plate to make you not feel like a complete fuck. It’s a good reminder for you… but at what cost?
Official Ranking 3 out of 10.
Thanks for reading. What’s your favorite Super Bowl Snack and why?