We’d like to cordially invite you to the wedding of someone you sort of know and the complete stranger they’re romantically interested in.
Come endure this celebration of love at the expense of your Saturday night. Sure, you worked hard all week, but we’ve worked on this relationship for almost 11 months and counting.
Please know, we labored hard to make this wedding as inconvenient for you as possible.
Instead of holding our wedding in a centrally located city with good plumbing, we’re asking all our family and “casual” acquaintances to travel 3 hours into the country to some hillbilly mutant’s farm with bad plumbing.
As you wait for the water to trickle out, now is an excellent time to reflect on those great courtside Lakers tickets you had, that you let slip through your stubby fingers so you can be here.
The ceremony begins at 2 PM, so you’re right in the heat of the day, and the reception starts at 6:00 PM, so you’re left with 4 hours to spend imagining what life would be like if you were a squirrel.
Don’t worry, there won’t be any refreshments to break up the time, only the crashing waves of regret.
Speaking of crashing waves, you could use this moment to imagine the day at the beach you had planned! Don’t worry, next weekend is a Holiday weekend, so you can share the beach with complete sandal-wearing tourists!
Dinner will be delayed, of course, as is your chance to see Lebron James play for the first time in person.
Please select if you’d like undercooked chicken, fish, or beef. If you’re vegetarian – I know a good doctor.
The reception will end no sooner than 11 PM so you can enjoy 3 hours back on dark, lonely rd, with the nauseating thought that someone is following you home.
A FEW NOTES…
Don’t even think about catching the game on Wifi; the aforementioned hillbilly mutant farmer is skeptical of modern luxuries.
Thinking about grabbing an Uber? How sanguine of you.
Bring the gifts we requested. Pretend you’re Santa Claus.
Also, if you have plans, we’ll simply hate you! There’s no understanding on days dedicated to love.
Thanks, and we look forward to seeing you soon.
– Someone you sort of know.