Thank You For Shark Fishing On This Very Public, Very Populated Beach

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Dear Shark Whisperer,

When I’m gearing up for a family vacation, I usually like to assign a theme.

Some years it’s “relaxation,” other years it’s “adventure,” but this year, wanted to go off the beaten path and spread my wings. I picked the theme “trauma.

And there you were, ready to help me achieve my wish, like a genie trapped in a beer bottle, shark fishing on a beach so crowded I had to elbow a seagull just for a spot to plant my umbrella.

I must say, your total lack of common sense is downright refreshing. It’s like watching a squirrel try to bury an acorn in a concrete sidewalk or trying to water your plants with a flamethrower. You just don’t see it that often. 

So there I was dragging my cooler across the sand, sweating like a snowman in a sauna, when I spotted you. An old salt with a face like a well-worn leather boot, wrestling with three fishing rods like an octopus playing the bagpipes. And naively, I thought, “Is he deep-sea fishing or deep-sea drinking?” 

Then, as if on cue, your rod jerked forward like a cheap Jaws knockoff. 

About 20 feet offshore, my sweet little Suzie was wading in the waves when I heard a scream that could knock a house down — “Daddy! There’s a shark in the water!” “THERE’S A SHARK IN THE WATER!”

There I was, fretting about my sunburn and wondering if I had put enough change in the parking meter, when I witnessed a dorsal fin ominously cut through the water and into my heart. 

Yay, now I have a real problem!” I thought while feeling a warm sensation run down my legs.

I ran to the water, screaming, “Get out of the water, get out of the water, there’s a shark, a fucking shark!” and I saw Suzie’s swimming faster than Michael Phelps because you and your Einstein-sized brain decided to hook up and troll Mackerel, in this very public, very populated beach.

Thanks to you, my friend, my Suzie now views any body of water with the same fear most reserve for haunted houses and small talk.

Baths? Forget it. The kiddie pool? A sea of nightmares. Sprinklers? A geyser of terror. 

So, from the bottom of my heart, thank you for shark fishing on this very public, very populated beach. 

Your startling lack of discretion isn’t merely careless; it’s downright legendary.

Your friend,


Please, like, comment share and tell me what you think. Have you seen a shark?

27 thoughts on “Thank You For Shark Fishing On This Very Public, Very Populated Beach

  1. I’m at the airport as I’m reading this.
    Checking now to see if I have enough points to push for an upgrade

  2. Hilarious! My husband wants to shark fish on the beach and I’m just imagining the chaos. I hope Suzie overcomes her water fear sooner than later!

  3. Ironically I was reading something about sharks earlier this morning saying why we shouldn’t be too worried about them

    1. yeah i really think we’re fine 99% of the time – probably hire – it’s just a few bad apples that bring the curtain down. But to be fair, we swim in their world

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