person holding a pizza

The Five Types Of People You Meet At An Office Pizza Party

Everything bad happens in an office…

Getting ready for some cheesy satisfaction straight from corporate?

Here’s who you need to look out for.

The Managers— Behold, the office monarchs, perched on their thrones, pretending to enjoy pizza like it’s a prized porterhouse steak. You can spot them in the back, shoes up on the table, picking the pepperoni out of their teeth with rolled-up 20-dollar bills. These toothpicks are cheaper than the overtime they should have been paying you. Walk by this table, and you’ll be bombarded with the A’s. “Action items, Agile thinking, and agendas, oh my!” You’ll hear so many A’s that you’ll find yourself setting an appointment to get your ass offsite, away from the managerial madness.

The Slice Hoarder — They’re cheap with an extra; I’ll take home the leftovers. These coworkers throw caution to the wind and break the unspoken 2-slice rule with a triumphant, 4-slice “fuck you.” During the polite battle of “Oh, you can have the last slice; I’m stuffed!” these devil-may-care mavens squash the debate and walk out with the whole damn box. To them, the golden crust is more than dough… It’s gold.

The Gullible— Oh, the naive souls who believe the pizza party is management’s heartfelt display of affection. “Yay, pizza is here! They truly care about us!” Their innocence is endearing, but little do they know it’s merely a distraction from the pain. As they bask in fleeting joy, their inboxes take more bombardment than a gas station bathroom on Highway 76. Sure, they are worked to the bone. But come on… it’s free pizza!

The Pizza Connoisseur — Foodies at work? Yuck! These pizza connoisseurs won’t settle for a simple pepperoni slice and a diet coke. No, they must enlighten you about all the hidden pizza gems in the city, whether you asked for it or not. These self-proclaimed experts of the art of pizza consumption turn every bite into a Shakespearean sonnet, a philosophical journey through the realms of flavor, and unfortunately, you’re on for the ride. Their taste buds taste ego in every bite and live to make mountains out of molehills.

The Pizza Paparazzi— Say cheese. These social media socialites know that behind every bite is an opportunity for a biz photo op, because clearly, LinkedIn wants to know what Darby Rubber is having for lunch. Right when you take a bite, and a piece of cheese is trapped on the side of your cheeks, they’ll be there to capture a moment you’d rather forget. Later that day, you’ll go on LinkedIn to check the damage only to discover they turned this lunch into an inspirational quote that’s more cheesy than the toppings.

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14 thoughts on “The Five Types Of People You Meet At An Office Pizza Party

  1. I’ve met those people. I knew of one boss, cheap b**stard wasn’t mine, who took the pizza or whatever else others brought in, home with him. Like he wasn’t making enough money to feed his wife and child….

      1. You missed one (sort of); the homeworker who can’t attend and gets no equivalent, no one notices their absence or acknowledges their contribution to whatever is being celebrated. This is my pet peeve at the moment: the amount of money spent enticing people to go to the office when that’s where their contract says they should be to do their job and how an equivalent is not spent on homeworkers who put in more hours and get less recognition and benefits. My back of an envelope sums come up with about £200 per year where I am, not a vast sum but that’s 4 nice lunches out or 24 lunch/breakfast buffets. It’s just not fair. And saying it’s my choice to work from home doesn’t mean that our contributions are therefore null and void.

  2. I was always the guy who watched the half life of the last slice, as people would divide it, so they wouldn’t look hoggish. If I knew everyone had their share, I’d boldly stroll over and grab that sucker. Say what you will. 😉

  3. I work at a restaurant. One of the busiest days of the year is the Wednesday night before Thanksgiving. And we order a ton of pizzas from another local restaurant to feed the staff. We are so sick of our own food, that a neighboring pizza place tastes like gold. Also in my house, there’s an only pepperoni, mushrooms, and sometimes bacon. But when work orders pizza, they get crazy toppings and I get to eat adult pizza. I’m going on and on way too much about pizza. But also I do work with a bunch of slobs that will try to eat as much of it as they can instead of making sure everybody gets some.

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