You were blind to the signs.
The dark lights. The gelled mustaches. And the bartenders wearing perpetually annoyed looks like it was their favorite accessory.
You told yourself it would be ok.
When the menu didn’t say lunch but instead said, “small plates.”
When the beer list didn’t have any household names but instead obscure references to the 18th century.
When all the people there had tattoos of trees on their arms but never looked like they stepped in a forest.
And when you looked around, you didn’t find it odd that all the waiters wore flannel shirts despite hands saying they ever swung an axe.
But when you cracked that menu open and saw a cheeseburger priced at 23 dollars, you knew one thing… you were f*cked.
You crane your head side to side to see if anyone else was outraged. But instead, they we’re all too happy to apart of the scam.
To your left, a girl with a perfectly styled bob cut was making out with her burger, nose ring and all. Cheese spilled onto her faded oversized graphic tee and onto her converses. She didn’t care. She couldn’t care.
In the corner, another hipster was unironically reading a book called “book” sipping on a cocktail with so many horderves it could practically be a salad.
And behind you, a lumbersexual, and his perfectly ripped jeans, sipped an IPA… all 18 dollars of it.
You feel a starved, sick feeling wash over you and feel compelled to give your wallet CPR. You must leave to save its life.
But as you eye the exit, something stops you. There he was, that snooty-ass waiter walking towards you with a head full of steam.
“Hey Chief- what’ll be?” He says in a too-comfortable tone.
Trapped. You feel trapped. You want to leave but years of social conditioning keeps your ass seated at the table. Moments pass like miles.
The waiter pulls his note pad slightly lower so you see his face. It’s sour as a pickle. It twists and contorts so the lines of his face create deep valleys.
“Uhh….uhhh… I’ll have a water!”
The waiter rolls his eyes and leaves. You sigh and start eyeing the exit. There it is. Behind the door that says “door”.
You plan to Irish goodbye, but as you throw on your coat and march towards the exit you hear a frantic, “Hey Chief!”
You turn and see the waiter.
“You forgot to pay!” he screeches.
You let out a sigh, “oh my mistake! It’s just a water… you don’t charge for that do you?”
A sinister smile grows on the waiter’s face. He raises one eyebrow that was simultaneously like The Rock and nothing like The Rock. It was almost impressive.
And then he reaches behind his back and pulls out a bottle. It’s glass and it’s labeled “bottle.”
The waiter speaks up, “That’ll be $3.50.”
He uncorks it sealing your fate.
“Cash or credit?”
F*ck!
Please like, comment, share and tell me what you think. Have you ever ate at a place like this before?
<3 🙂
Slash through financial limitations with the razor-sharp skills of the Ninja Strategy! – http://strategyninja.co.uk/
You have to be super careful now when you go out to eat. Not only will you need to give your wallet CPR 😂; someone may need to do CPR on you.
Hahaha true!!
⛑️🤯 We went to Captain D’s the other day. Nothing fancy. 3 people $60.00!
So relatable! This was us yesterday at a hipster Cafe on the peninsula, trapped into spending $100 on brunch, including $10 holiday surcharge!🤯 my daughter spent $22 on a Acai bowl that contained purple slop, a blob of peanut butter and granola, forcing me to order the cheapest thing on the menu.
That’s outrageous! I can’t stand menus like that – it makes me want to eat in!
Love this, great writing👏👏
Thank you so much!
You’re welcome 😊
$3.50 for some water?! Lol. They would have heard me loud and clear. 😂😆🤣 I knew this was going to be funny from the title alone, and it did not disappoint!
That’s why I learned how to make my own sandwiches at home. 😅
Smart!
Hilarious!!😂😂😂
Thank you!!
Oh wow I hate places like this! You captured this perfectly x
Hahah thank you!
Very funny and well written, thanks! I’ve not graced one of these places with my presence yet, so many thanks for the warning! I have to polish up my Irish exiting skills.
Hey you know when it comes to the Irish exit, practice makes perfect 😉
Dunno elsewhere, but this is a sickly growing trend in ‘Murica. It’s called by many the Taylor Swift Syndrome.
Oh. By the way. Well done. Entertaining humor with a side of jaundice.
Yikes! I like the term “Irish goodbye!” Traveled last year to attend a nephews wedding in a swanky resort town and found that we had to look at the menus online before going out to avoid these kind of places. It was hard to even find a place that actually had food that we recognized. Where I live, Whataburger is #1! 🙂
Total panic, I’m afraid, when we realised w much everything was. We had to stand up and brave it out, walk out!
Gwen.
Absolutely love this
Thank you!
Yes. Always miserable when I’m overcharged for food.
Omg this was hilarious, every word so relatable. Loved it.
Hilarious, as always! I have a short attention span for blogs and yours holds it all the way.
Pretentious places with ‘sour’ service are never appreciated, but if I go to a place like this and the food is stunning, I will pay the price! I will pay 23 for that burger and be in cheese heaven, if I can’t get it for 10 down the road. And I never (I repeat never) pay for still water. I make it clear I want it from their tap. 🚰
That’s the distinction! Make it clear and not get ripped off – thank you for reading
😆 I will have to warn myself not to get into an expensive place until I feel ready
That’s the way to be!
🤩
I remember going to a place one time called 3 dollar cafe. I remarked to my date that I was incensed that absolutely nothing on the menu cost 3 dollars.
also nowadays if I want a burger I’ll pick it up at applebees, Cost is about the same as mcdonalds and far superior quality.
That’s a good point!
LMAO! This is hilarious and so true! But for me, it’s food orders (like door dash on the West), especially when I’m down or depressed, I tend to spend so much on food 😭 but only realize it days after. Promise I never thought I would spend so much, every time. Haha.
DoorDash adds up quick!
True!
Too funny, loved reading this! I have this fear every time I am in Shoreditch
Hahah thank you!
LOL I relate! Only problem was there were several typos that interrupted my enjoyment of the story. But, I love your posts.
I appreciate you reading and pointing that out!
“You feel a starved, sick feeling wash over you and feel compelled to give your wallet CPR. You must leave to save its life.”
Yet another group of sentences that I would be stealing from your post this time for adding some flair to my conversations on “how living has become deathly expensive”.
It’s rather perplexing how relatable many of us find this, yet here we are- unwillingly a part of this.
Hahah well thank you, yea it’s crazy! The prices of everything
Ah, the classic tale of falling into a hipster trap. The struggle of deciphering menus and facing the shock of overpriced water. Your storytelling had me hooked! Just remember, sometimes the best escape is through the door labeled “door.” 💸🚪
Hahah damn right! Thank you so much for reading!
👍👍👍👍
So it’s not just me. Thanks for the laughs. $3.50 for bottle of water is a bargain most places unfortunately. I’ll never forget the face and reaction of this poor guy at Citi Field a few years ago when the vendor told him the bottle of water was $9.00. I’m sure he had already braced himself for $5, $6 or even $7, but $9.00?!!!! At a hot ballpark or other outdoor venue it’s criminal and they need to pass some kind of law to prevent that degree of price gouging.
Damn right it’s criminal those prices they are charging – its insane’ thank you for reading
😂😂
That’s quite a story. You have a talent for writing humorous and engaging narratives I enjoyed reading it. 👌
Thank you so much -this made my day!
“….hands saying they ever swung an axe”
Sincerely asking did you mean “never swung” ?
It works either way… just one is more how people actually say it…
I like the “walk through” way you take us into the experience
Enjoyed this!
“Moments pass like miles.” Great line.
Whatever happened to an honest bacon sandwich?
beats me but ta BLT is the GOAT
Wow, what a rollercoaster of emotions! 😲🎢 Your storytelling is vivid and engaging. 😄👏 It’s like I was there with you, feeling the shock of the $23 cheeseburger 🍔💸 and the tension with the waiter. 😓💦 The hipster atmosphere was palpable! 📚🍸🌲💉 And that ending… oh, the suspense! 😱🚪💨🙈 Can’t wait to hear what happens next! 🍿👀🔮🌟
Wow this comment made my night! Thank you for reading and commenting