Types of Football Fans

Hindsight 20/20

This bastard has perfect vision on… off the field.

Sometimes called X-ray, this guy has a partnership with Captain Obvious and an explanation for the brutally apparent.

“Brady shouldn’t have thrown that pick.”

“The offense should score more points.”

“The defense needs to get off the field.”

To which we say…

“No shit.”

The funny wrinkle is… he never tells you what the quarterback will do before the play.

Because that would require predicting the future.

But give him three seconds after the interception and suddenly he’s the Magic 8 Ball embodied.

“Should Brady have thrown that?”

Outlook good.

The Couch QB

Remote in one hand. Playbook in the other. Screaming kids pacified with tablets.

This clown will tell you what should have happened… immediately after it happened.

A trick he learned from Hindsight 20/20.

He always has a game on.

He always has a stain on his shirt.

And he always goes out of his way… as much as a guy sitting on a couch could… to remind you he knows more than you.

But the second he drops the remote and the channel changes…

All hell breaks loose.

“WHO CHANGED IT?”

And suddenly, the family leaves the room.

The Overly Emotional Fan

The camera loves this guy.

Better yet, the cameras love this guy.

There he is, either sharing a rail, shouting at the television, or pouting like his dog just died…

But never all three.

But when the camera finds him…

Something changes.

He gets that look.

Yes…

That look.

The look of a man who has just been invited to his fifteen seconds of fame.

He starts yelling louder.

He starts slobbering at the mouth.

And he turns into the best actor since Hollywood’s Golden Age.

What’s impressive is the overly emotional fan wears his emotions on his sleeve without wearing sleeves…

And to break the laws of physics…

Well…

I salute you.

The Drunk

They started early.

Too early.

By noon, they’re already into the second six-pack.

By kickoff, they’re hardly standing.

By halftime, they’re arguing with a television.

By the third quarter, someone has taken their keys.

And by the fourth, they’re kicked out.

Now they spend the next four hours in the tank, sobering up and cursing out the quarterback.

The next morning, they’ll say they barely drank.

“Honestly, I only had a few.”

Which to be fair… is all he remembers.

The Referee Hater

This guy doesn’t watch football.

He watches when the referee blows a call.

And his doctor watches his blood pressure.

Every penalty is proof of a conspiracy only he believes.

Big Football is out to screw his team.

Holding?

Bullshit.

Pass interference?

Bullshit.

Illegal formation?

Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit.

Because apparently, his team is infallible…

But only he can see it.

The Superfan

You don’t hear much from this guy when the team sucks.

He’s busy.

He doesn’t really follow football anymore.

He’s knows the value of four hours.

But when the team starts winning…

Suddenly he’s wearing a jersey.

Suddenly he starts bringing it up in small talk.

And suddenly he starts saying…

“We’re going to the playoffs.”

But when they lose…

You’ll hear:

“I’m not really into it.”

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