I Don’t Give a Rat’s Ass
Damn, I really wanted a rat’s ass.
I mean, my collection!
It would just… be… perfect.
I don’t know who coined this phrase or who’s sitting on a pile of rat asses, tossing them out like candy at a parade, but I’ll humbly refuse the offer.
In fact, I struggle to think of a single situation where I would want a rat’s ass, let alone need one.
I mean, maybe if I were a witch. But even then, I can’t imagine the spell getting much better.
“Add one rat’s ass…”
No. It’s not exactly a dragon’s heart.
So YOU KNOW WHAT? You keep your rat’s ass, tough guy.
I don’t give one either.
Can You Imagine…
…followed by something utterly banal.
Yes, Helen, I CAN imagine what it’s like to be stuck at the post office.
Uh-huh, Martha, I think I CAN comprehend the frustration of the elevator not working.
You know what, Bob? I CAN imagine the embarrassment of giving an entire presentation before discovering your zipper was down.
My imagination isn’t exactly hanging on by a thread.
Any time someone tells a perfectly ordinary story and then asks, “Can you imagine?” it feels less like a question and more like an insult.
I can imagine dragons.
Time travel.
And a bigfoot running for Congress.
…I think I can handle your delayed flight.
You Stick Out Like a Sore Thumb
I have been alive for over three decades and have yet to see a sore thumb.
I could thumb wrestle legions of people with sore thumbs and have absolutely no idea any of them were sore.
What does sore even look like?
Like a 50-year-old the day after cutting the grass?
Remove the word sore altogether.
“You stick out like a thumb.”
Honestly… is that any better?
“Hey Jim.”
“Yeah?”
“You stick out like a thumb.”
“What did you call me?”
Smack.
I’m not the smartest guy in the room, but thumbs are small. They don’t exactly command attention.
Have you ever been introduced to someone and thought,
“Everything about this person seems normal… but THAT THUMB.”
No.
Because that’s insane.
Think Outside the Box
What…
We’re in a box?
WHAT?
WHAT?
Who put us in there?
Were we placed inside the box?
Or did someone lower the box over us like one of the Truman show.
Shit.
Low-Hanging Fruit
Finally…
In the jungles of downtown New York City…
…we reach for the low-hanging fruit.
It’s just inches off the ground.
Never mind that everyone walked past the fruit stand because there’s a McDonald’s across the street.
How long has it been since Western society depended on gathering fruit?
Thousands of years?
At this point the saying should be,
“Take the drive-thru.”
Or,
“Grab the thing on the end cap at Costco.”
That’s the modern version of low-hanging fruit.
Please like, comment, share, and tell me what you think.
What expressions am I missing?
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These are fantastic. Cracking up over here.
Thank you so much!!
So clever! I could add one more: “For Pete’s Sake!”. I always wonder, who the heck is Pete?
Thank you so much!!
Yeah – who the heck is Pete and how does he have so much authority
This was a fun read.
Thank you so much!!
Oh c’mon now. A win is win. Everything happens for a reason. What’s your problem with meaningless phrases. “It is what it is.” Ha, ha. My favorite similar saying is “When pigs fly.” Um, when did pigs start to fly. Who decided that that would be a good thing? Ha, ha. A coworker and I started counting phrases like this in a day-long seminar that we both had to attend a few months ago. We stopped counting about a hour into it when the number hit 50. Ugh.
That is such a genius idea! I’m stealing that from you
I nearly fell off my chair. So funny, Tony.
Thank you so much!!
“Up Shit Creek without a paddle.” 😆😂🤣
Bad place to be. Also without TP
😂🤣😩
Hilarious but very true. One I swear by that is truly baffling? ‘You never know til ya know’ and another that apparently drives ppl bonkers? ‘It is what it is.’ However experts say that this one makes you dangerous (feral) 😱😱😱😱😱😱😁😁😁😆😆😆😆😆😆
Hahah that one is so stupid
Bob and the presentation 😂🤣 Great post, what a bunch of hackneyed cliches that we mindlessly drop…
Hahah so damn true
“You need to give us 110%.” So now they are taxing effort?
The American way
The rat’s ass point is completely valid and made me laugh out loud! 😆
You’re just very classy about it which is better
The “sore thumb” got me. I have lupus, every part of me is sore at times, and particularly the arthritis in the small joints of my hands, and thumbs. My thumbs don’t stick out significantly on days they are sore, any more than they do on good days. No-one can look at my thumbs and know that I’m having a bad day. The butterfly rash on my face tends to be a big red sign, but my thumbs aren’t sticking out and telling anyone anything.
Thank you so much my friend! I’m sorry your dealing with that but I’m so glad I could make you laugh
Somehow I turned #1 into “I don’t give a rat’s patootie.” I must have been trying to find a nicer word than “ass.”
I hate “It is what it is.” To me it’s a weird way to tell someone to quit being a crybaby and put their grown-up bloomers on. Or, another way to say the dreaded: “WHATEVER!”
I really enjoyed your blog today. I needed the giggles. Thank you for adding levity to my day.
Love the patootie twist! Thank you for reading
😆
What a way to start my day. I laughed so much. Thank you
As fate would have it, you made the start of my day better too!
Oh this is really nice to hear Anthony
Love this haha. Americans say “I could care less” which confuses me because they actually mean “I couldn’t care less.” In the same way my mum (I’m from Ireland) says “I doubt….” followed by something that she firmly believes to be true.
Hahah people are so funny right!!
For some reason I have always associated ‘low hanging fruit’ to a past their prime gent’s family jewels. Which, describes me aptly if not specifically my own dangling participles. In light of that, reaching out for “low hanging fruit” may be a felony and to be avoided.
“Literally” used as an intensifier irks me more than “can you imagine?” because I can and do imagine the “literal” situation of, say, a person with her head up her ass like the one telling me someone “literally has his head up his ass”.
Literally has his head up his ass