I Don’t Give a Rat’s Ass

Damn, I really wanted a rat’s ass.

I mean, my collection!

It would just… be… perfect.

I don’t know who coined this phrase or who’s sitting on a pile of rat asses, tossing them out like candy at a parade, but I’ll humbly refuse the offer.

In fact, I struggle to think of a single situation where I would want a rat’s ass, let alone need one.

I mean, maybe if I were a witch. But even then, I can’t imagine the spell getting much better.

“Add one rat’s ass…”

No. It’s not exactly a dragon’s heart.

So YOU KNOW WHAT? You keep your rat’s ass, tough guy.

I don’t give one either.

 

Can You Imagine…

…followed by something utterly banal.

Yes, Helen, I CAN imagine what it’s like to be stuck at the post office.

Uh-huh, Martha, I think I CAN comprehend the frustration of the elevator not working.

You know what, Bob? I CAN imagine the embarrassment of giving an entire presentation before discovering your zipper was down.

My imagination isn’t exactly hanging on by a thread.

Any time someone tells a perfectly ordinary story and then asks, “Can you imagine?” it feels less like a question and more like an insult.

I can imagine dragons.

Time travel.

And a bigfoot running for Congress.

…I think I can handle your delayed flight.

 

You Stick Out Like a Sore Thumb

I have been alive for over three decades and have yet to see a sore thumb.

I could thumb wrestle legions of people with sore thumbs and have absolutely no idea any of them were sore.

What does sore even look like?

Like a 50-year-old the day after cutting the grass?

Remove the word sore altogether.

“You stick out like a thumb.”

Honestly… is that any better?

“Hey Jim.”

“Yeah?”

“You stick out like a thumb.”

“What did you call me?”

Smack.

I’m not the smartest guy in the room, but thumbs are small. They don’t exactly command attention.

Have you ever been introduced to someone and thought,

“Everything about this person seems normal… but THAT THUMB.”

No.

Because that’s insane.

 

Think Outside the Box

What…

We’re in a box?

WHAT?

WHAT?

Who put us in there?

Were we placed inside the box?

Or did someone lower the box over us like one of the Truman show.

Shit.

 

 

Low-Hanging Fruit

Finally…

In the jungles of downtown New York City…

…we reach for the low-hanging fruit.

It’s just inches off the ground.

Never mind that everyone walked past the fruit stand because there’s a McDonald’s across the street.

How long has it been since Western society depended on gathering fruit?

Thousands of years?

At this point the saying should be,

“Take the drive-thru.”

Or,

“Grab the thing on the end cap at Costco.”

That’s the modern version of low-hanging fruit.

Please like, comment, share, and tell me what you think.

What expressions am I missing?

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR YOUR SUPPORT! My new book, Letters From Jasper, is out. If you’re looking for a funny and sad read that will make you laugh and cry – please check it out:  Amazon.com: Letters From Jasper eBook : Winn, Anthony: Kindle Store

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