Friendly Fire.
What a crock of shit.
There is nothing friendly about it.
The bullet didn’t arrive with a casserole when it knocked on the door and went into your ankle.
You did not say, “Can’t wait to see you next week!” with a dripping smile when it left.
“Friendly fire” is the Department of Defense trying to make the worst possible Tuesday at work sound like a misunderstanding at a barbecue.
Social distancing.
Or, as we once called it, distancing.
Remember when we tried to make avoiding people sound collaborative?
“Social distancing” sounds like an activity hosted by the library.
Like there should be juice boxes afterward.
There is nothing social about distance.
Distance is usually the reason people want social interaction in the first place.
It’s loneliness wearing a nametag.
Express lane.
Get ready to wait in line… in the express lane.
The fast lane of grocery shopping, if standing behind six people is considered speed.
One question. One mis-scan of produce. One price check.
And suddenly everyone in line becomes part of a support group that formed against its will.
Then the express lane morphs into… a lane.
That’s all it ever was.
A regular lane with better marketing.
“We agree to disagree.”
No we don’t.
We disagree.
That’s the entire transaction.
“Agreeing to disagree” is what people say when they want credit for civility while skipping the part where they actually had to be civil.
Nobody solved anything.
Nobody changed their mind.
But both people leave the conversation feeling strangely professional.
It is the empty win of arguments.
The disagreement is doing just fine.
It doesn’t need a treaty-signing ceremony.
“Words cannot express what you mean to me.”
A phrase we somehow use to convey the exact feeling that words supposedly cannot express.
You’re so moved you “can’t find the words”…
Yet somehow managed to explain that perfectly.
I love it! I was somewhat expecting something about the police improving their public relations with tazers that tickle and fur-lined handcuffs. You and George Carlin would have been good friends.
That is the highest compliment I could have had.
Thank you George Carlin is a personal favorite of mine!
The South over delivers in this category. Thank you those were enjoyable and you definitely can’t shake a stick at any of them. But agreeing to disagree is more polite albeit less colorful than telling someone to go jump up a tree stump sideways.
I loved social distancing! I’m an introvert, I’m all in favour of distancing, anti-social as it might be, except for a very few specific people. People being forced to keep their germs away from my immune-compromised hide was just a part of it.
It was a good time for us introvert folk. My life didn’t change
Mine didn’t much, either.
All great stuff, and you make the point so well. One that’s a mystery to me is the USA version of the British ‘I couldn’t care less’; = I care so little about this that I have no care left to give, = I’m not interested; boring! In the USA, for some weird reason, they say ‘I could care less’, meaning that they do still care to some extent, therefore have some care and interest which they are able to give. All due respect, but what? 🙂
So true – I guess most people never stopped to think about it!
I guess they just couldn’t care less! 😂
Great!
Here’s one: “He/she (deceased person) is in a better place.” How the h does anyone know this is true?
Hahah yea… one of those things people just say
You missed the most obvious one of all, Tony: “Have a nice day.” No-one ever says this when they really give a damn what sort of day the person to whom it’s addressed will have. Judith Colquhoun.
Hahahah yeah
Yes, I’ve been hearing “agree to disagree” a lot lately. It just leaves me discouraged.
That’s fair
Decipher this one, I heard one time: ‘I ain’t been long eat.” LOL
Wow!
After being faced with the truth, I’ll never get in the express lane again. Ever. Loved it!
Hahah wise choice!
I 100% agree with all of this – I have similar pet peeves and annoyances with stuff like this. 😎
They’re so fun to let out! You should write a piece!
I write pieces every now and then I call “Old Man Rants” where I get them off my chest 😁 https://fiveoclockshadow.life/category/old-man-rant/
Interesting musings. I especially appreciate the one about “agree to disagree”. So annoying.
Thank you so much!
And yeah it drives me crazy – just disagree!
🤣 i use the last one a looot!
So happy you enjoyed!
A ticket to a giggle on a gloomy day! Thank you for your wit. I agree with a comment above – George Carlin would applaud you.
Highest compliment you could give me – a personal hero of mine
Thank you!!
I. Love it! So funny to read.
So happy you enjoyed!!
Very funny, love it:)
So happy you enjoyed, appreciate you reading!