The Leader
They call the shots. They make the plans. They wipe the ass that gets kissed.
The Leader sits on top of the social planning ladder, keeping everyone elses plans on the bottom rung.
They don’t ask where everyone wants to eat. They announce where everyone is eating, and six people immediately reply, “Sounds good.”
Armed with the validation everyone secretly wants, they decide who does what and when.
Such is the burden of a leader.
The last time the group didn’t go with their plan was the day before the chat was created.
Without them, everyone would slowly drift into silence and be forced to develop a personality.
The Supporters
“What do you want to do tonight?”
“I don’t know.”
“I’m down for whatever.”
“Let’s see what Bob wants to do.”
For 17 hours a day, they stand motionless in a closet, plugged into the wall like cordless vacuums. Then someone texts, “Drinks?” and suddenly they’re fully charged.
They keep the Leader in power, endorsing every half-baked idea with open arms.
“Bowling?”
“I’m in.”
“Karaoke?”
“Sounds fun.”
“A six-hour pottery class?”
“Could be cool.”
They go out, they drink, nothing remarkable happens, and they go home. The next day, with a smile on their face, they plug themselves back into the wall and tell themselves it was the best day ever.
The Resurrector
The train has finally lost steam.
What was once a messaging frenzy has eased to a stop, and no one has sent a text for exactly 47 minutes.
Until…
The Resurrector shakes awake, knocks a stray pizza slice off their face, and replies to a joke everyone forgot they made.
Somehow, it works.
Like spring after winter, the world comes alive again.
It’s the circle of life.
The Old-Bit Guy
The bits were funny…
Once.
Maybe twice.
But never 23 times.
They’re still referencing Olive Garden… because the group ate their 12 years ago.
They’re still quoting, “YEAHHH BABYYYY” from Austin Powers.
They’re still ratteling off a Family Guy joke.
And if the Leader didn’t occasionally throw them a pity like, maybe they’d stop.
Maybe.
But that has not—and will not—happen.
The Liker
They let their reactions do the talking.
Dan liked this message.
Dan loved this message.
Dan laughed at this message.
Somewhere inside Dan’s phone is a fully functioning keyboard he has simply chosen never to use.
You don’t know whether he’s a genius or an idiot.
The Multi-Texter
They don’t write paragraphs.
They write.
Like this.
So your phone doesn’t buzz once; it buzzes like a machine gun overlooking Normandy Beach.
You pull your phone out thinking there’s a massive national emergency, but it’s just Dave sending seven consecutive texts to tell you he’s mad that LeBron went to the 76ers.
You give it a thumbs up.
The Person Who Wishes They Weren’t in a Group Chat
You forget they’re there until one day their name flashes with a single, insincere “lol.”
Then, radio silence for months.
They don’t hate the others, exactly; they just don’t want to live this way …on the whims of eight other people and their childlike impulses.
At their core, they believe communication should be earned, not forced, and every time their phone buzzes, you can hear their soul silently sigh.
You can often find them venting one-on-one, whispering about how fucking annoying this chat is and their plans to get out.
The Other Leader
He’s got ideas — a whole boatload of them — but none of them float.
Not in this chat, at least.
He’s the leader in the other group chat, but here he’s the contrarian commander — challenging the main leader in small, subtle ways like questioning plans, suggesting alternatives, or just typing an accusing “eh.”
He’s not a hero. He’s not a villain. He’s just a man with opinions and the thumbs to type them.
It’s a crusade he fights alone, one doomed to fail.
The Vanisher
One day they’re in every conversation. The next they’re gone. Poof.
Blowing in the wind.
No warning. No explanation. Just blipped from the bandwidth.
Then, six months later, they reappear with: “Wait, what’s this about?”
Only to leave again once the supporters say they’re down to go to the bar they went to for 47 weekends in a row.
The Silent Majority
Group chats are just like politics.
20% do the talking and 80% wish they would just the hell up.
Every group chat is filled with more ghosts than participants.
They never text.
They never react.
They never contribute.
Yet somehow, three weeks later, they’ll occasionally drop an “Ok” or “Yeah” before slipping back into the shadows.
Please, like, comment, share and tell me what you think! Who did I miss?
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I’m the type that turns down every invitation to join a group chat – The Antisocial One. I have encountered – and still do – some of the others. I get the multi-likes when someone I don’t know likes 15 of my blog post in 30 seconds, so I know they haven’t read them. I have a Multi-Texter on my Instagram messages who’s an otherwise pleasant person. I’m also more of a Liker on Instagram because it’s such a hassle typing out comments on my phone, and I’m a Silent Minority on a Facebook group where I got p*ssed at one of the admins who was less than helpful, so I lurk to see what’s happening but don’t take part myself. What did we ever do for fun before social media? 🙂
Hahah I want to be more like you – I had a huge one that just ended – a family reunion one that I love everyone in there but 200 messages later I wrote an article
Yeah – I’d have disappeared well before 200 messages, at about 6. 😂 Never mind an article, you could write a book! 🤣
I’m definitely the person who wishes they weren’t in the group chat but somehow remains. I keep wanting to leave for good but have massive FOMO. So what are you? Which one? Ha ha.
I am the person who doesn’t want to be in the chat for 99 percent of them and the leader in a small group chat about playing video games with my friends hahah
But as “the leader” I usually go – “I’m hopping on Xbox if interested”
I am the one who would address one person and by the end everyone would be thinking, “Hmm, that is interesting….have to check that out!”
That’s a coy way to play it! I like
Thanks, I don’t think it is intentional. It usually happens I tell to one and suddenly it is picked up as a matter of something to think about.
Unfortunately. I’m the multi-texter 😅. Once I have my thought I have to get it out! Then when the second part of it comes I have to send that too. And then the last part, of course!
I’m the one who wishes I weren’t in a group chat, especially when the Multi-texter strikes again.
You’re in good company -I’m the same way
What? We are over Austin Powers now? I didn’t get the memo! Oh, and Olive Garden, yep. I know. It used to be the place, but now, it’s like that mummified piece of pizza in back of the fridge. No go. No man’s land. Verboten.
And let’s not even go down Wayne’s World street. I probably still mutter some lines. 🙂
Oh don’t get me wrong – I love AP – the real answer is something that would indicate someone who knows me so I had to change it
The busy one like you. But I try. An effort. To the mass.
Good place to he
I am more “the Poker”. The guy who seeks out the stupidest dumbass in the group and just pokes him/her into saying more stupid stuff.
Hahah I love it
The way you nailed ‘The Old-Bit Guy’ is poetry. We all know that person—still quoting Austin Powers, still referencing that Olive Garden trip from 2014, still waiting for the pity like that never comes but absolutely will. And the Supporters who go out, drink, nothing remarkable happens, and go home smiling because they plugged themselves back in? That’s too real. You didn’t miss a single archetype. This should be required reading in every group chat. Everyone needs to identify their type and sit with what you’ve written.
I’m in just a couple of group chats, a work, a home, and a couple of friends but only one of those involves more than three people so I’ve been pretty lucky. Plus too many folks would probably make we sweaty and then my thumb would slip and I would accidentally hit send before the only cool thought I had in the whole thread was finished and then I would have to send an “oops, freaking accidental send” or “sorry, clumsy sweaty thumb” with an “aarrgghh” or an annoyed emoji or something like that and then finish up my cool thought but it would be totally lost by now by everyone else chiming in having moved on while I was continuing.
I was though The Accidental Guy once when someone mistakenly included my # thinking I was friend who just happened to be a woman. That part was hilarious, eventually figured out and then I told them my name, last name included, and it ended up being fun and went on and on and, if they had lived in my area, I swear I would have surprised them all and gone to that wedding dammit!!
Well you’re not human if you haven’t sent a sweaty thumb text! And texting the wrong number ahhh done that too many times myself
Your book arrived yesterday! 👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾
I’m so happy it did! Ahhh really hope you enjoy, thank you so much Tre!!
You’re most welcome! Thank you!
No thank you!!
I’m the type that brings the chatbots into the mix!! I think ppl like us are the Shit Disturbers??
Hahah sounds about right!