The Post Office
“Psst… can I… can I…” A woman turns her head to make sure no one is watching.
She slowly returns. “Can I mail this package?”
She whispers it like she’s mailing a rare Egyptian artifact, and not the Tupperware container her aunt accidentally forgot to take home last Wednesday.
The postal worker nods.
“No problem.”
He immediately starts clacking away at his keys, the loudest thing in the room, but then they slow.
His fingers stop.
“Wait… wait…” He leans closer. “There’s… there’s no address.”
The lady frowns.
“Yeah… I was going to tell you that part.”
He slowly shakes his head.
“You can’t do that. You need to write it down.”
The lady puts her hands on her hips.
“But isn’t me writing it down basically the same thing as telling you?”
The postal worker gives her a toothless, insincere smile and motions toward the pen chained to the back counter.
“Come on back when you’re ready.”
The vein in her forehead twitches as everyone else in line instinctively checks to make sure their own address is written down.
And then it hits you…
You know why it’s quiet.
Because if yelling were tolerated…
this place would be going postal.
The Eye Doctor
It starts normal enough.
The eye doctor asks how you’ve been, like you’re old friends, and you nod and pretend you have a relationship with him.
You don’t.
Then the lights go off.
The tiny flashlight comes on.
And the whispering begins.
“Look to the right,” he says.
A little softer now:
“Now left.”
Softer still—
“Now up.”
“Okay.”
Now you’re both suddenly speaking like you’re hiding from a ghost.
His face is four inches from yours.
You can smell the coffee he had this morning.
And still, no one explains why we’re whispering.
But the second that light comes back on…
It never happened.
The Elevator
Minutes ago, you were screaming at your roommate because they left the oven on.
But the second you hear that elevator door ding…
the world goes still.
You file in.
“Are you going up or down?” a polite stranger asks.
Which is a dumb question because it picked you up on the top floor.
“Down,” you say just above a whisper.
She quietly backs into the corner.
Immediately, all heads hang low, like the lot of you is being knighted.
Nobody talks.
Nobody makes eye contact.
And suddenly everyone becomes deeply interested in tile pattern.
The only sound is the buzzing of the fluorescent light.
“Ding.”
One person gets off.
Nobody says goodbye.
The doors close.
Still silence.
Then you step off…
and somehow your regular voice comes back.
The Museum
There you are, standing in front of the natural wonders of the old world.
Things the ancients would have seen, stopped, stared at, and yelled,
“Fuck!”
Greek sculptures.
Egyptian tombs.
Knights in full armor.
And some weird German painting of Hamlet from 1623.
These are the kinds of things that should make people gasp.
Yet…
your lips and ass are puckered.
You turn to your right.
A guy with three rings in his face slowly crosses his arms.
A woman tilts her head.
An older man nods thoughtfully at a painting for a solid thirty seconds.
You think…
Maybe I should try that too.
So you lean in.
Tilt your head.
Cross your arms.
Now you don’t just look confused…
You look like you know what you’re talking about.
Later that night, you’ll see the same people you ran into at the museum sitting in a nearby bar talking about how exciting it all was…
…in monotone voices.
Please, like, comment, share and tell me what you think! What did I miss?
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Church, a car pool, places people are quiet.
Excellent choices
Thanks, Anthony. And sometimes in silence, things are revealed. It is a strategy used by those in law.
Love it!
I’ve always wondered why everyone at the grocery store acts as though we are pious visitors to a place of worship. Thou shall not profane the halls of produce!
At the dentist,
At the post office,
At the eyeglass store,
At etc.,
I always practice my non-existent stand up routine.
“Whhhhaaaaaat is the deal with mail?” 🙂
No, I do.
Solid choices
😆😂🤣 All of these are spot on! The DMV is another. People act as though they’re afraid to speak in there. Lol!
Yeah cause if they do they get sent to the back of the line hahah
😆😂🤣
This is so well written. Loved reading each piece!!
By the way, I write poems and scribble about life’s quiet truths. Do check out my blog and subscribe if you like it.
Keep writing!
Does it make me anti-social to say that I love these quiet places. Ha, ha. It could be that I find myself in a lot of places where it can be a free-for-all – people having no reservations about speaking loudly. Ugh. Ha, ha.
Oh believe me, we have people coming over and It’s taking everything I have to try to be excited hahah
Antique Stores are another. It’s not the museum, you’re supposed to laugh at the weird stuff people buy, right?
Right?!
Like Brian, I like the quiet places. I’ve gotta say as a retired Postal worker, you nailed it.
Hahaha I’m sure you got 10000s of dumb questions working there. I always liked the cars
I enjoy your acerbic wit here. The selections in favor of or against quiet are relevant regarding the patterned ways we behave. I got to thinking about church and then about libraries, where silence is enforced except for guided noise at church and acceptable checking-out noise at the library. Thought-provoking work, thanks.
I do my best to make some noise wherever I am. It gets me into trouble.
Forsure! Btw – I’m enjoying your book!
Thanks Anthony!
Haha i love it ! I was thinking about visiting my gynaecoligsit and how much he’s been talking to avoid the void and awkward silence
Those are spot on loved it! So fun to read! Other places I can think of… transportations, I guess – uber, airplane, metro. Pharmacy.. hotels?? Lol
Uber is so true – really all of those are true – thank you so much h for reading’
!
This is hilarious because it’s so true. You took those ordinary, everyday moments that everyone has experienced and turned them into comedy by pointing out all the unspoken “rules” we somehow follow. The elevator and museum sections especially had me smiling—it’s amazing how we all quietly become different people in those places without ever questioning why!
So happy you enjoyed! The truth is – the post office happened to me and they kicked it off!
Very interesting 👌
Thank you so much!
You are a genius at that, you made my day!
Thank you so much!!
Lovely writing, and fun. Only the library actually has a good reason…so people can read
thank you so so much!
ahahaha so true!
thank you!!!
I laughed the whole way through, Anthony! 😄 ‘She whispers it like she’s mailing a rare Egyptian artifact, and not the Tupperware her aunt forgot’ I’m DONE! 🤣 And the elevator: from screaming at your roommate to being silently knighted in three seconds flat. Spot on. My addition? The library’s cousin the waiting room, where even a cough feels illegal! 😂
Hahahah so true about the waiting room- it’s SILENT! Thank you for reading
Very creative 😇
Thank you so much!
I laughed the whole way through this post too while I was reading it out to my daughter. You truly hit the nail on the head. LMBO.
Aww you made my day! Thank you so much!
Good one!!
I’m speechless
Hahaha nice!
Great work! I really enjoyed this piece. I just released some new work at https://weurd.com, and I’d love to get some feedback. Thank you so much, and keep up the good work!!
Thank youn I’ll check it out!