In all of the fiery pits in Hell, the deepest pit gives off the stench of axe cologne and is bubbling over with hair-gel- sharin’, T-shirt tearin’, sister’s cousin marryin’ men that specialize in giving gym advice the exact moment you’re not seeking it.
Every. Single. Damn. Time. My friends, this letter is for them; you’re welcome.
Dear Unsolicited Advice Gym Guy,
This letter is for you – most people knew that from the title; but I wanted to be clear since you had a hard time picking up on the screamingly subtle, “Leave me alone, I’m wearing headphones” vibe.
I’ll blame it on your big, dumb heart or your crusade to correct all-things-bad-form but dear unsolicited advice gym guy, you’ve made my shit list.
It’s not that you’re a bad guy, but it’s more of the fact that you’re a guy with bad timing.
So you know how I’ve never approached you for advice during the entire four year span we’ve known each other?
Well I was thinking, I’ve could have gone a lifetime without your advice.
I wanted to go a lifetime without your advice.
Believe me, I wasn’t dying to hear the secrets of the leg extension machine and how adjusting the seat position will “Blow my muscles right off the fucking bone.”
Nor did I care to learn about your crusade to fix all-things-bad-form.
I plead with you, it’s 6AM.
It’s 6 fucking AM.
Spare me. Please.
But I digress.
Here’s the truth:
I never asked you for your advice.
Nobody has ever asked you for your advice.
So why are handing it out like smuggled cookies at a fat camp?
As I sit here putting my head into the wall disturbing the sleep of my innocent neighbors; I’m pondering why today of all days you’ve decided to share your worldly insights about the proper way to push a barbell with me; and then I had a revelation.
I’ve decided that I’m going to give you advice that will change your-fucking-life.
Are your nipples hard yet?
Here it is:
When someone wants advice on proper form, they’ll ask you for it.
Now take the advice to the bank and cash it in! You Monopoly Man you.
I know you want to save the world one deep squat at a time, but
*Save the saving for the superheroes, chief!*
Your heart is in a good place but your timing is all over the place.
The head-phone wearing public.
Clearly this is a satire and not to be taken seriously. Be sure to comment, share and tell me what you think. Tell me about your best unsolicited gym advice encounter.