Dumbass Bumper Stickers

And now for your reading pleasure, I’d like to offer you a horror story.

Picture this: it’s 7:30 AM. Black exhaust fumes rise as you inch to a lava-red line of taillights shining their angry glow in front of an angrier red light as the road is choked worse than a fat guy who had one chicken-bone too many clinging on for dear, sweet life.

It’s bumper to bumper people, there’s no getting out, you’re trapped.

The mood of the traffic jam is damp, annoyed and all the while petty as 40 people wonder what idiot caused their version of Wednesday-morning-Hell.

Your coffee mug is running dry while your bladder creeps towards full as you find yourself in one Hell of pickle when you see that car.

You know that car.

The car with all the dumbass bumper stickers.

Yes, bumper stickers are the tramp stamps of cars; a moving billboard from tackiest of advertisements.

In a world that competes for attention, the bumper sticker car wins the battle of the long traffic jam.

Read on to learn some of the dumbest bumper stickers you’ll see on the road today.

My Kid is an Honor Roll Student

Helen, good for you, we the people of the traffic jam couldn’t be more honored to be driving behind you, the annoyingly proud parent of an honor roll student. Hell, maybe instead of sending an application to college, you can just send your bumper sticker and Tommy will get in. Please feel free to cut me off and send me careening to a halt. Your kid is an honor roll student – the road is yours; I am merely in your way. Before I thought you were a van, now I know you’re a van who reads books. I’m going to drive in your tailwind with the hopes of my grades improving. If there’s one thing that the people of the traffic jam don’t care about at 7:30 AM, it’s that your kid is an honor roll student. Sincerely, the dumbass C student cars.

Honk If Your Drunk

Why the fuck wont this guy stop honking?! What is he drunk?…. Oh wait. Yep. ***Takes another sip of coffee*** Ehhh, what the Hell? Their drinks must be better than the coffee I’m drinking.

One Love

Let’s be clear, there’s nothing loving about suddenly merging over into my lane sending my foot racing to the brake, my coffee into the windshield and my sandwich exploding on my pants like a popped piñata. But hey, since you cut me off and completely upset my bubble, I suppose I can pause to reflect on the merits of world peace. You know the best way to preach “one love” is on the back of your car as you blast loud music onto a crowded road, hands free from the wheel, waving all willy-nilly into the air. I like your style kid; you’re bold.

Outdated Election Stickers

Nothing says I don’t give a fuck like election stickers from 1996, 2000, 2004, 2008, 2012 & 2016 all plastered onto one single bumper. What’s even more impressive is the 20 years of longevity from the car. Perhaps I should by that model? Nonetheless, this is the last person I’m taking political advice from.

Please comment, share and tell me what you think. This is satire and not meant to be taken seriously, person who I offended. Tell me what dumbass bumper stickers that I missed.

48 thoughts on “Dumbass Bumper Stickers

  1. A two-for-one: (sports a picture of the world and a big green bowl)

    “Picture World Peace / Picture Whirled Peas”

    Kudos to whatever hippie vegan came up with this one.

  2. “Warning: In case of rapture, this car will be unmanned.” That’s probably only popular down here in the Bible belt.

  3. I’m not a fan of bumper stickers. I prefer witty vanity plates. 🙂 Even if they cut you off in traffic, as least you know they’re creative.

  4. Loved your post. Got me smiling while sitting in busy mall drinking coffee before tackling groceries.
    This one not a bumper sticker but saw it in on back of truck BLIND MAN DRIVING….got me stumped for a minute. Then penny dropped 🙂

  5. I saw one that said something about Jesus and turn signals. Those are fun. Also, any GoT stickers…it’s a tacky I can endure. 🙂

  6. Loved this! Honestly I hate the honor roll ones and also sports ones. I have a Broncos one on my shitty car I can’t get off. I always get asked if I’m a Broncos fan. I give the dead-eye stare and say, “I don’t even know what sport they play.” (I actually don’t.) But those sports ones kill me, and you see the bro or wanna-be-a-bro chick step out with their backwards Broncos cap and broncos colored jersey and pristine white shoes and I’m like, get a fucking life! Geez. Yeah. We get it; you heart the Broncos.

  7. My car is loaded with bumper stickers because I am afraid to tattoo my body. An extra plus, my kids don’t want to drive my car because they are embarrassed by my bumper stickers. Works great for me!!

  8. Alright, the election sticker one was pretty great. I’ll keep an eye out for cars that have 20 year old bumper stickers next time I’m shopping around.

  9. Guilty! Our ancient motorhome sports a turtle ‘I’m going as fast as I can’. The ones that get up my nose are the ‘Baby on Board’ hangers and ‘Keep back – give my child a chance,’ or even the pink ‘Little Princess on Board’ (Yuk!)
    Such smug signs are never removed when Mum or Dad is driving solo.
    As a grandmother I have nothing against kids (I had four of my own) but here in the UK a fireman died a couple of years ago looking for the child that was supposed to be in the blazing car. Needless to say there was no child.
    So keep up with the (few) funny stickers – ditch the crude ones please… but forget about the Baby on Board – or, at least, save it for when there is.
    (Rant over.)

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