Local Steroid User Reassures You, “He’s not on Steroids”

Miami, Florida

Sitting untrustingly calm as a cucumber, a local steroid user brushed off heated criticism of steroid use with a half-hearted “It’s all natural, no steroid use here.” followed by a smug grin and a cheap wink.

It was like any other Monday afternoon at the gym, Douche bags from three square miles flocked to the iron arena like virgins to the renaissance fair when local steroid user Bob Tompkins raged out on the bench press after another, bigger douche bag challenged him.

Tompkins was all routine warming up his bench grunts, shouting at the top of his lungs, when A gorilla man hybrid, Brett Thomas, answered the call.

With tits hanging out of an extra small tang top worn by an extra large man Thomas lumbered over to the bench press a confident man ready to upset the pecking order.

“I can bench more than you pussy.” Whispered Thomas to a peacocking Tompkins.

Answering the challenge with veins bursting out of his neck like pipes sticking out of a post earthquake apocalypse, Tompkin’s mind worked up the courage to respond “Oh yeah?” and quickly stacked plates.

Rising to the challenge, Tompkin’s muscles ran like a well-oiled machine and moved an insane amount of weight with shouts and jeers working himself into a steroid influenced rage, leaving a tear in the collective gym conscience.

When the dust settled, Tompkins stood up cloaked in self appreciation and set down the weight a bigger man with adrenaline dripping like a shower.

Quivering, Thomas reluctantly sat on the bench knowing he could not compete. After struggling to replicate the weight, Thomas bowed out of the challenge, a dickless man.

As he walked away back to the shadows, Thomas asked? “How’d you get so big?! You have to be on steroids!”

Prepared for the criticism, Tompkins rattled off a well-rehearsed “It’s all natural, no steroid use here” with a smug grin and a wink before returning to his home to spend his evening scrolling away on Tinder being the consummate hopeless romantic.

Reporting to you live from everyday America.


This is Satire, and you knew that. Please like, comment, share and tell me what you think. Do you know someone who is on steroids and denies it? Do you have any funny gym stories? Do you like these random satire articles? Let the person typing this sentence know, by typing your very own sentence below!

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