A Comedian’s Guide To CrossFit

Hi, My name is James and I’m super fucking into CrossFit. And when I say that I’m IN to CrossFit, I mean I’m INTO CrossFit. I’ve gotten my dick stuck inside a barbell… twice! Or maybe the barbell was just trying to pleasure me… I can’t be too sure, those barbells are the strong, steely and silent type, the bend but don’t break people.

But I DIGRESS. You’re reading this post because you want to change from a SHRIMP into a PIMP. Well listen up spaghetti arms, I’ll share with you the tips that changed me from WEAK into a FREAK. Read along.

STEP 1- Abandon Your Personality

Hey Shakespeare, why don’t you leave those fruity little poems, and makeup at the playhouse and prepare to do something memorable with your life… like CrossFit. CrossFit isn’t about standing out, oh no. CrossFit is about fitting IN. With CrossFit our goal is take that bright personality of yours and turn it into another office gray beige one. We’re going to make you into someone so boring, that people take the stairs to avoid another elevator ride with you. Jokes on them, because taking the stairs is the gateway drug to the high that is CrossFit. We want YOU to me so unmemorable that you will be accepted into any suburb with ease. So you with the bubbly, unique personality, the warm smile and a cold day… get ready to cover that with the fog of testosterone because here, you are a mindless drone; a gear forever churning in the fit machine.

Step 2- Only Talk about CrossFit

Listen up. There is no longer, “Hey, Suzie how was your day?” There’s only: “Hey Suzie, I do CrossFit, it’s crazy.” “ Do you do CrossFit?” “Do you wanna CrossFit?” “Did you know I CrossFit?” “Want to Hear about my workout?… I do, can I tell you?” “Do you want to join my gym?” Narrow your conversations people, be a straight-rigid line in this repulsive, disgusting, McDonalds squiggly-circle world. Even though you are subjecting yourself to a completely voluntary activity, talk about it like you didn’t have a choice. Hell, forgo free will, be a salve to the system, limit your conversations, so you can be looking cool, impressing your coworkers as you talk about beating the shit out of those bastard, bully weights while those lazy lads slept until 6AM. With impressed eyes, your coworkers will start thinking. “Hey, I want to be like you.” “John’s really got it going on.”

Step 3- CrossFit

Say it with me Cross-Fit. Cross-Fit. CrossFit! It’s time to take your lumpy ass off the chair, and put that lumpy ass in the gym. All we do, all 7 of us, is sit in a circle, lock intense eyes and scream at each other. The leader screams first, and us followers scream back. We’re practicing our alpha state. Then the leader stands up and starts waving his arms, as if he was hoisting up the air all crazily and we the people follow him. This dance of posturing and positioning gradually devolves until we are in our ape like state, making noises and throw poop on each other. We really love smelling each others poop. In fact, we have a ceremony where someone shoves their head up the gym leaders ass, because really all CrossFit is, is shoving your head up CrossFit’s ass… his rectum is as good representation of CrossFit as any. After a vigorous 45 minute session of this, we hit the showers and enjoy a foamy soapy surprise, intentionally trying to get suds in our eyes.

Step 4- Compare everything to CrossFit

Yeah BOB I’m sure the LSAT was hard and all but have you even done a burpee? Whatever Jamie, having twins are cool and all but, have you ever done two workouts in one day? Hey Jim, I know your Grandma died and all but, you know what else died? My excuses because I do CrossFit. Sure, whatever Napoleon, were glad you got “married” but have you ever been MARRIED to these gainz? Ok Bill, that’s cool you got a new job, but I got a new PR. You get the picture, NEVER be one-upped.

Step 5- Post on Social Media

Each day I wake up, run to my stationary Facebook account and tell the world how much I love CrossFit. I’ll get maybe 3 likes, but hey, small, falling drops eventually form into a raging river. My gym master says I’ll get promoted from a pledge 1 to a pledge 2 after a few hundred posts, so that glimpse of acceptance at the end of the tunnel is all I need. Every time you post, it needs to be a recap of your workout or a picture of you kicking ass in the gym. People get wet with jealousy, and drown with desireto be just like you. Always, always, always humblebrag about your 5AM workouts. That’s how you’re going to find the man / woman of your dreams. Trust me, I did. She’s set to be delivered here next Monday. Cheers.

See guys, being a CrossFitter is easy, it’s on YOU to be the change you want to see.

Please like, comment, share and tell me what you think. This is satire and not meant to be taking seriously, rather this was written for fun. I’ve done CrossFit and actually liked it. Do you know any intense crossfitters? Would You join crossfit?

18 thoughts on “A Comedian’s Guide To CrossFit

  1. I’m exhausted from reading this testimony to the testosterone fueled Cross Fit ape. Please pass me a brewski while I recover (and I don’t even LIKE beer.)

  2. I literally did Crossfit for like 4 months and turned into this same Crossfit person you described but quickly turned into the Mom that talks about their child when I got knocked up. But now, I’m that Keto annoying person! Good post and hilarious!

      1. Bro, I can’t believe you don’t even know, bro!

        hahaha. Thanks for the laugh. There are so many versions of “that fuckin guy” lol, I know because I almost became that guy for BJJ!

        Speaking of, have you heard of BJJ, bro?!

      2. No problem at all it’s been my pleasure – I’ve heard of it, I’ve done 1 rolling session and I really like it – I’m thinking about joining a BJJ gym this spring – I actually think it’s really cool and useful, plus I like the sparing aspect of it

  3. Damn, I was so proud for finally dragging myself to the gym… Maybe I should’nt admit to it publicly. No cross fit though. But phhhsssshh, please don’t tell

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