What happens when one overworked and underappreciated Dad has too much football? Stay tuned to find out.
– The Backstory –
The other week, I was driving with my buddy listening to the radio when we heard quite possibly the most stupid ad come on the air which proceeded to strangle our imagination.
It was an ad designed for a bar that caters towards dumb guys… like if this bar was a person, it would be a guy with a mullet, shot gunning a beer, riding a lawn mower with flames coming out the back, into a giant pool filled with chicken wings, sun screen and girls in bikinis. Anyways, (visuals aside) the ad ended with this little nugget of Gold: “We have ALL the football you can handle.”
“We have ALL the football you can handle”
So I’ve been wondering.. what happens when you have too much football?
Well let’s find out.
Somewhere there’s a guy in blue sweatpants, wearing a hole lined shirt that’s strapped into a chair. Behind him is the black abyss, in front of him is a big screen TV with the game on. His head is cocked slightly to the side with his chin reaching out to his chest trying to hide from the light. His face is flurried and haggard & he stinks of beer and burgers. As the game continues to play on, his body gyrates against restraints and his fingers dance wickedly from his hands, tickling the air. Slowly the TV volume creeps up one decibel at a time, a whisper turns into a roar. The volume is now deafening, and the man is crying. “I can’t take it anymore! There’s too much football!” but sadly nobody hears his cries. The game plays on, until suddenly the man explodes. Afterword’s a family of footballs have a party in the blood spattered ground where the blue sweatpants man once sat.
Hut Hut Spike
Somewhere there’s a guy lying in the road wearing a wife beater, that has a half-oval orange and red stain from the chicken wings he’s been eating, he’s a clumsy fellow, but he never hungers. His hairy belly is sticking out softly rising & falling like a sunset and his shoes are torn from running. This sorry motherfucker has been running from a giant TV Screen with John Elway throwing dimes. His nails are stubs from scratching himself, and he’s shaking & murmuring hut-hut-hike with beer foam pouring from his mouth. A kind-hearted lady goes to help and turns the man over. As the man temporarily snaps out of it, he sees the outline of an angel, but his mirage is shattered once he realizes she’s wearing a football jersey. “They’re still after me” he thinks to himself. He’s tries to scream but he’s short of air and throws her off of him as he starts to run. Meanwhile, Earl Bighorn, the truck driving football, is driving his rig. He’s 12-hours into a 18 hour trip all cracked out on Mountain Dew and Slim Jims. The football guy is running wildly through traffic when he meet’s the front of Earl’s rig. Earl, not paying attention concluded the thump was a pothole and drives off into the sunset with the thought “When are they gonna fill these damn things.. lazy bastards”
We are in a library with rows of books miles high and miles long. There’s an overweight fellow, wearing an Aaron Rodgers Jersey trembling. Beads of sweat nervously drip down his brow and he’s looking over his shoulder. From his rear, a cloaked football gradually inches closer and closer. Noticing the trap, the overweight man knocks a book over as he runs down the endless hallway trying to escape his tormentor. The cloaked football picks up his speed, he’s right behind him, he can smell the quesadilla-stench on the man’s skin. The man turns to yell, “Stay away from me! There’s too much football, I can’t take it anymore!” when he crashes into a 10 foot tall, 5 foot wide can a beer and thunderously thuds to the floor. The Beer can says “Too much Football? Too much Football?!” and proceeds to open his top and pours his beer all over the man. The man squirms on the floor of the library, screaming and is taken by the football and beer never to be seen again.
Please Like, Comment, Share and Tell me what you think. What is the most stupid ad or slogan you have ever heard. Do you know someone who watches too much football?
12 thoughts on “All The Football You Can Handle”
Any football is too much football. Why does it take 4 hours to play 60 minutes?
One of the great mysteries of life!
Football in the US and UK are two different things, but I can tell you that here across the pond too much football is possible. Especially too much BAD football. But speaking as a Liverpool supporter, I say that from a high and mighty position.
Hahah I hear you on that! I wish soccer or (UK Football) would catch on here in the states!
Like me, this is what you came for.
There are a lot of ads that make no sense at all, and others that are totally tone deaf. Do you remember the KENTUCKY Fried Chicken commercial of a few years ago that played Sweet Home ALABAMA in the background?
Another dumb commercial that stuck in my mind was from Mercedes. There’s a blizzard outside and the kids are looking out the window, jumping up and down with glee, until their dad spoils their fun by yelling up to them, “Kids, let’s go.” Where the fuck are you going? School was closed after the first flake was detected on radar. They don’t give a shit about your computer-controlled all-wheel drive.
Oh boy. This gives me flashbacks to George Saunders’ “In Persuasion Nation” short satire 😉
Hahah thank you