Crushing

One of the worst feelings in this world is watching someone you have a crush on slowly fall in love with someone else.

You see it happening in real time.

The conversations that last a laugh too long.
The toothy smile.
The “accidental” touching.
And the way someone starts saying a person’s name too much, like they’re trying it on for a future birthday card.

It’s torture.

You sit there watching another person get exactly what you want while pretending it doesn’t bother you.

Which makes you wonder why so many people enjoy porn.

Because really, both involve sitting quietly in the corner while someone else has a better night than you.

Construction

The sign says SLOW DOWN in no uncertain words.

Then another sign informs you that speeding tickets are doubled, which feels less like public safety and more like Uncle Sam finding a way to monetize potholes.

So you slow down.

You stare out your windshield looking for cops.
Check your speed every six seconds.
And quickly become a model citizen who suddenly understands why people drive 38 in a 45.

Then you finally reach the construction and see:

One guy working in a hole with three other guys watching him work in a hole.

Because that’s efficient. 

And suddenly a man in a neon vest starts waving at you to speed up, cursing, foaming at the mouth.

Like your Honda Civic is personally delaying the entire future of American infrastructure.

What gives?

 

Housewarming Parties

Someone did it.

They spent their life savings on a structure even the Big Bad Wolf, with all the advancements in medicine, couldn’t blow down, and invited you to their housewarming party.

They spend weeks — some even months — getting ready for the occasion.

Shopping.
Cleaning.

Hiding cords.
And lighting candles that smell like “Mountain Cedar” despite living nowhere near a mountain or cedar.

Then, on the day of the party, in the course of four hours, that house is all but destroyed when you invite 25 people over and give them enough liquor to worry about driving home.

And you think of this fondly.

Your house is officially warm.

Santa

“Don’t talk to strangers.”

You hear that your entire childhood.

Don’t get in strange cars.
Don’t take candy from strangers.
Don’t trust adults you don’t know.

America spends eleven months aggressively preparing children for kidnapping.

Then December arrives and suddenly everybody relaxes.

Now strangers are magical.

Now the same child who isn’t allowed to accept gum from a stranger at Walgreens is placed onto the lap of an unknown old man whose main personality trait is watching kids while they sleep.

A sentence that, outside of December, would immediately end a custody hearing.

Nobody questions this.

If a man dressed like Santa approached your child in July, the police would be called immediately.

Not eventually.

Immediately.

 

What did I miss? Please like, comment, share and tell me what you think! My book is coming out soon – more details to come. 

 

Follow me on Substack here: Tonysbologna | Anthony Robert | Substack