Fast Food Odds: What Sandwich will you get this time?

When you order enough fast food, one truth will dawn on you: What you ordered isn’t always what you get.

 The Sat-On Sandwich

You ordered a sandwich, but you received a dusty seat cushion – farts included. The sat-on sandwich is the fast-food sandwich that looks like a freshly squeezed stress ball that struggles to regain its form. Basically, the sandwich seems like the chef sat on it, and to tell you the truth, I think he did! It’s the opposite of the advertised picture, and it makes you wonder: “what in the Hell are those animals doing back there?” You’d like to complain, but… you’re hungry and have no self-respect. So bitterly, you’ll take a bite, taste the disrespect and sit in rush hour traffic cursing the fast-food establishment who, like another shady salesperson, sold you a junker. To the “chefs” who make this masterpiece, can I ask, “what did I do to you?Chances of getting this sandwich 33%

The Sandwich With Too Much Ketchup

Is too much of a good thing a bad thing? If you had the sandwich with too much ketchup, then the answer is an unequivocal YES. The sandwich, with too much ketchup, looks like a sandwich that needs the ER. Ketchup is bleeding out everywhere, people are yelling, you’re crying, and the murder knife is lodged in the burger. Basically, it’s a whole episode of drama with no commercial break in sight. Fittingly, this burger will come in the bag without napkins to really put you in a bind when you spill ketchup on your brand-new fuckin shirt ruining the damn thing. Big fast food strikes again. Chances of Getting this sandwich 17%

The Perfect Sandwich

The Holy Grail of fast food sandwiches is the perfect sandwich or the sandwich that looks like the one in the commercial. You always find this sandwich in your bag right when you’re ready to call it quits on fast food and start eating healthy. Temptation always finds a way, I suppose. I speculate managers have a sixth sense on this matter and use their powers to intervene when you’re at your breaking point, stopping the cook from serving up another sat-on sandwich. They shuffle into the back and whip up a Hail Mary with a hook in it. Like a doe-eyed dope, you open the box, see the oasis in the desert and dig right in. Hook. Line. And Sinker. Just. Like. They. Wanted. If you happen to land the perfect sandwich, enjoy the moment because, believe me, it won’t last—chances of getting this sandwich 1%.

The Average Sandwich

It’s got a wife, a job, 2.5 kids, and a killer 401K. Who am I talking about? The average sandwich, that’s who. This sandwich is like your wife’s best friend’s husband in sandwich form. He’s not really your friend, but he’s the new normal, so for better or for worse, you’re stuck together in social functions. The average sandwich’s flavor profile is thoroughly grounded. It doesn’t get too high, it doesn’t get too low. It just does its job, comes home, watches TV, and loses the remote before blaming his kids for losing the remote like fate intended. This is the sandwich that fast food is built on, not the one you deserve. Chances of getting this sandwich – 39%

The Wrong Sandwich

Imagine the excitement of picking your ass, waiting for your order only to find that what you ordered isn’t in the box. This game of chance big fast-food plays can either put you in a Christmas morning cheer or Hell hath know no fury anger. So roll the dice and see what you get. The wrong sandwich is the wrong sandwich. This mix-up defies expectations sometimes for the better, other times for the worse. But that’s life, sometimes what you don’t get is the best thing for you. Have an open mind, and don’t be so attached to your order. Who knows, maybe you’ll hit the fast-food lottery and get the bad with three sandwiches when you ordered one. Chances of getting this sandwich 7%

The Trojan Horse

There’s a wise tale in every town about the fast-food restaurant that fucks with your food. Why do these stories exist? Because sometimes they’re real. The Trojan horse of sandwiches is the sandwich that looks normal on the outside but is anything but on the inside. Although it just tastes like chicken, what you’re really tasting, spit, hair, ear wax, semen, regret, etc. You’ll know you had this sandwich when the cook is uncharacteristically laughing, and you find yourself glued to the toilet for the next 36 hours. The trojan horse is the landmine of the fast-food world that really makes you appreciate the average sandwich. If you had one, you’re likely spend the rest of your attention span seeking revenge before the next shiny object robs you of your focus. Chances of getting this sandwich 2%

Please like, comment, share, and tell me what you think. What sandwich am I missing? Be sure to share this with your friends who order fast food. 

41 thoughts on “Fast Food Odds: What Sandwich will you get this time?

  1. I used to be a proper vegetarian, which I am not anymore, but I really don’t like bacon … Just shushi here and there or a salami pizza … Life can be confusing …

  2. I would challenge anyone to try ordering a sandwich with no dressing. “Just mustard?” “No dressing of any kind.” “I’ll go light on the ketchup.” “No dressing of any kind. Dry.” “Well, we only have Kraft Dressing, not mayonnaise.” NO DRESSING.” Once I actually got all three. Life is exhausting. I recommend cucumber sandwiches, Hellman’s mayo, made in your own kitchen. As for fries, you can’t beat Rally’s, just don’t try to get a burger with no dressing.

  3. “Monsieur Franqulin, inventor of electricity. This illustrious savant, after having made several voyages around the world, died on the Sandwich Islands and was devoured by savages, of whom not a single fragment was ever recovered.”
    — Ambrose Bierce

    He apparently was very tasty, But I don’t believe the savages had any ketchup though!

  4. LOL! The wrong sandwich incident happened to me a few days ago.

    I’d just returned home, sat at my desk, queued up Breaking Bad on Netflix ready to enjoy my fish sandwich…only to discover it was indeed a cheeseburger. Tragic.

    Thanks for the laugh 🙂

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