The 6 Types Of Fascinating People you’ll Meet at America’s Cultural Crossroads: The Gas Station

The real melting pot of America isn’t fancy.

No, America’s true melting pot is the gas station, and make no mistake, all roads lead here.

The gas station is the only place where upside down is right-side up. The billionaire waits behind the butler. The janitor gets served before the CEO, and there they wait idly, mixing in a line called life.

Unfortunately, after you’ve been to the gas station enough times (you have), you’ll notice these 6 mythical figures who put the “I” in inconvenient.

Read below to learn about the 6 types of annoying people you meet at any gas station.

The Guy Smoking a Cigarette

Just when you thought all the stupid people in the world were home watching daytime tv, one of these morons escaped and came into your gas station. Smoking a cigarette while pumping gas, of course.

I don’t know if he is the spawn of Evel Knievel himself, but this guy loves putting himself in risky situations. Unfortunately, he likes to share the risk with you.

“How can I get closer to what could go wrong?” Is what this idiot thinks as he ashes his cigarette 3 feet from a metric fuck-ton of gasoline, daring disaster to strike.

The guy smoking a cigarette suffers from an overabundance of confidence or a complete lack of common sense. Either way, this animal’s dance with death is a disco I want to Irish goodbye.

The Person Who Bangs on The Bathroom Door Who Apparently Has To Go Worse Than You

The gas station bathroom is the tropical oasis peaking out in the desert when we have to go. We scurry in, dodging eye contact, pants nearly unbuttoned, praying for a stall to be open, and when we find one, it’s a gift from a higher power.

However, someone will inevitably bang on the door as soon as you go, asking you to hurry up, reminding you that this isn’t heaven. This is a public bathroom.

The Person Who Buys 50 Lotto Tickets

In every gas station, there is a person who spends their hard-earned money on a gamble… gas station lottos.

Like a semi-truck overturned on a busy highway, they too back up the flow. Waiting in line, you’re annoyed, but you want to root for the underdog; that’s human nature. After all, the favorite to win is usually a douchebag, and we want our local idiot to win.

The person buying 50 lotto tickets at your gas station has a dream you can almost taste mainly because you can feel their BO on your tongue, but you get over it… you have to.

Are they going to win? Probably not, but dammit, I’m rooting for you.

The Person Who is in Every Aisle You Are

You try to shake them, but you can’t. You duck, dodge, shift aisles, but when you turn your head, they’re there, in your way, doing who the fuck knows what? What’s a girl to do?

There is one annoying guy at every gas station who lives to be in the same aisle as you. He’s not even shopping; he simply has his hands outstretched, grabbing at expired pork grinds that you know he’s not going to buy.

Some people say he’s an angel. Others say he’s a demon. I say he’s annoying… and his fly is probably down. Either way you frame it, there will be this motherfucker on the other side of you, forcing you to “excuse me” from point A to point B.

The Loud Talker

Right when you finally find your moment of peace taking a break from your Hellish commute, that’s when these people appear like flies to a carcass.

The loud talker, as you might have guessed, talks loud. Real loud. So loud that you wonder if they ever considered anyone else that’s waiting in line behind the 50 lotto buyer?

This person talks so loud that you can hear their banal conversation even if you’re elbow deep into the chilly beer cave, failing to freeze out the annoyance.

What does he talk about and who he’s talking to are unknown mysteries, but one thing is for sure, you want him to shut the fuck up. He won’t though.

Instead, he will drive to peaceful areas to drown the silence with his asinine public opinions.

The Slow Cashier

If molasses were a man, he would be this cashier. The slow cashier is less of a human but more of a spirit that travels from one gas station to another like an old Bob Dylan song.

He’s foreign yet familiar, a face you can trust. The slow cashier doesn’t know how to be in a rush… it’s not natural. Instead, he’s stoned slow and flaunting the powerful bathroom keys in your face.

This is his world, and your annoyed ass doesn’t intimidate him.

After enough delays, eventually, you start to slow your roll and learn to appreciate him. Sleepy-eyed, he’ll mutter, “thank you for shopping,” and you’ll leave, knowing damn well he didn’t mean it.

27 thoughts on “The 6 Types Of Fascinating People you’ll Meet at America’s Cultural Crossroads: The Gas Station

  1. You forgot the woman with her menagerie of kids and/or pets which she leaves at the gas pump while she runs in for a few essentials like beer, pizza or chips, smokes and lottery tickets
    She has to go back to the car for her wallet and county provided debit card, break up a fight within the menagerie, and call her mama and or her man to argue why she is late getting home

  2. I have no idea about the Americans cos I don’t live there and you are spot on. I see these people all the time on the typical American movies. lol. This was very entertaining, thank you!

      1. I certainly will, thank you. I’ve been obsessed with the American diners too. watched far too many American tv shows.

  3. You forgot the lonely bloke who just wants to talk and won’t take a turned back for an answer. He just keeps talking and talking as if you wanted to hear about his mother’s sister’s cousin’s gallbladder surgery or his love of candy bars that make him remember his school days, which are decades gone. Or it is the sweet old lady who desperately needs conversation to exist and doesn’t care that her incessant talking is causing convulsions under your skin. Oh, the talkers. They are the bane of an introvert’s existence and they lurk in aisles at gas stations and throughout America’s retail establishments.

  4. Even at the remotest of gas stations, (actually, ESPECIALLY at the remotest of gas stations), just as you replace the pump into the stand and turn to replace the filler cap you’ll hear the slow crunch of gravel and dust as the local Sheriff’s car inches onto the forecourt and positions itself to where he will have the perfect viewpoint no matter what you do in the shop.
    It’s never the Deputy, always the big man himself.
    You FEEL his eyes upon you as you cross the forecourt, go through the door and head to the coffee machine. Is he making judgement upon your choice of chips and/or donut?
    When you open your wallet to pay is he using binoculars to try to catch a glimse of your driving licence to see if the photo matches?
    Don’t even THINK of glancing sideways to look at his car as the cashier hands you your receipt or as you head to the bathroom, and you’d better not take too long in there!
    As you return to your car is he thinking to himself “Gotcha now boah!”?
    Decision time. Ease away gently with “Sittin’ on the dock of the bay” drifting out of the window, or lay down some rubber and see if that bad boy still has it in him?
    Whichever way, you’d best not have a dicky tail light …

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