I don’t know who you are, and I don’t care if you have a friend in the business. If you’re looking for understanding, I can tell you that I don’t have any empathy. But what I do have is a very particular set of skills acquired over a very long & brutal hiring process that allows me to offer attractive, sultry even, rates for your home and auto insurance that makes me a wet dream for new homeowners like you.
I was trained by the agents of I.N.C.E.L. — The Insurance Nuisance College of Extraordinary Losers. Annoying assholes such as the Robocall Robot, Patrick the Ponzi Scheme Guy and the Friendly Pollster have united to lead this maverick organization to weed out the impenetrable from the impressionable. What’s left from the filtration process are the most promising dreamless idiots. We are then meticulously sculpted from baby butterflies into insurance selling murder hornets.
My journey has come full circle. I started off buying the insurance, and now I sell the insurance. The soldier has become the General, and you are dead in my crosshairs. Wherever you go, I will be there, pen in hand, asking you to buy insurance.
When you go to the strip club, hands full of cash, face full of beer, head full of dreams, I will be there too, on the stripper pole asking you to put the signed papers into my G-string. That night I will take your money twice.
When you are at the bowling alley, dying to roll away your stress, I will be the one who strikes. I will lie in wait resting in the bowling ball, waiting to shake your hand when you least expect it.
This Thanksgiving, you’ll be surrounded by loved ones. In the turkey, I will be there too, waiting to be cut free like candy from a piñata, eager to ask your family and friends to sign over as well.
I’m a virus and only getting stronger, each objection mutating my D.N.A. There is no escaping this. You will sign with me. You are the prey; I am the predator.
If you choose not to sign with me, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will relentlessly annoy you until you submit to me. You will not find peace. I sold my personality, wants, and dreams to my corporate handlers. They’re hungry to help you save a bunch of money by bundling your home and auto insurance.
Please help me, help me.
– Your Worst Nightmare
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